Alex Rushmer

Longview, WA

I'm seventeen, a college undergraduate, a writer, and a Christian. "I don't want comfort.. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin." -Aldous Huxley

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It has potential

I read the first bit of your story and decided to review it now. I think that you've got something good started here, and I think that it has a lot of potential. I'm intrigued and want to know what the story is about. There was just so much clunky wording and typoes that it was a little difficult to read. I think that if you read through it out loud and made some adjustments, it would bring the writing itself forward leaps and bounds. There were also places where you switched randomly between past and present tense. If you choose one and stick to it except in certain situations, I think it would help. Keep it up! This story has good bones, just give it prettier skin. ;-) I hope that you do well in the contest.

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Raw but beautiful

I'm going to admit right now that I didn't make it very far into the story. This subject is very very difficult for me, and I had to stop after chapter one. However, I thought I would leave a review with my thoughts on what I read. I think it's amazing that you were able to overcome this sort of abuse and that you had the courage to project your memories into a narrative. It must have been very hard to put all this on paper, and I can't imagine how vulnerable that must feel. You are incredibly brave, and I hope that this work gets a lot of recognition for that. As for the writing itself, it was very real and very clean, and I didn't notice any grammatical issues or typos. I like your up-front writing style and your ability to state things as they are. Really well done. I hope you get good feedback from people who have more of a stomach than me. :-)

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Detailed and enjoyable

This book is definitely a must-read for anyone who likes dark stories with 3D characters, a wealth of research, and a glimmer of hope. The plot kept me hooked from the beginning to the end. It was always fascinating to see what William would do next. I love the detail that went into each assassination he performed, whether they were done up-close and personal or from a distance. The characters felt very real to me throughout the story. I loved the dynamic between Victoria and William. Their interactions from the first time he saw her to everything he does for her later on are extremely powerful and affecting. You also have a knack for creating very hateable characters, making the conflict between William and his aggressors even more intense. The writing style was entertaining. I like that you really just state outright what happens rather than beating about the bush. It adds more to William's character as well as making the narration downright funny at times. The only issue I ran into during this read through were issues with the punctuation. In a few cases, it was typos, but other times it was issues with sentence structure (run-on sentences that needed to be divided up, missing periods and commas, etc.) I could try and point out specifics with the Inkitt feedback system or on a google doc if you wanted. All in all, this was a really fun read and quite the emotional roller coaster, and I have no doubt that it will eventually be published. Great work!

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Stereotypical but enjoyable

I read to chapter 25 and enjoyed your story very much. It had a good draw, and I liked the obvious time and love that you put into it. However, I do think that it needs some work. The characters came across as rather cliched and 2D to me. You had the quiet, beautiful, forgiving female protagonist with the sacrificial attitude and the dark, brooding, angry male protagonist with lots of money. It was very predictable because of this. I could always guess what the characters were going to do and how they were going to react to each other because they only had that one layer. They didn't act in complex ways. Often times, their dialogue was unnatural because they just said exactly what they thought or kept silent. I liked Angela okay, but she seemed kind of helpless to me. I couldn't really bring myself to like Xavier. He had the beginnings of an interesting character, but - like Angela - he was 2D. I enjoyed what you wrote from her point of view, but I didn't really like the POV written in first person from his perspective. It made him seem kind of whiny and immature. If you want to do scenes from his perspective, I would try third person. I also wasn't sure what I thought about their reconciliation after the plane crash. I liked the idea of it, but I didn't find it believable that he didn't know it was his wife at first. Maybe he's never looked her directly in the face, but he's surely caught glimpses of her profile and would at least recognize her by her hair, clothes, and build. Plus, it seems like he only changes his mind about her due to her physical appearance, which kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. I liked that he went back and apologized later on when he found out why she married him, but it seemed a little late coming. As far as plot goes, I found it enjoyable but predictable. The plane crash was the only thing that really caught me off guard here. I would have liked it better if there had been more setting. I had an okay feel of the Knights house, but I wanted way more description when it came to the Island. Because you didn't evoke the setting in the reader's mind, the plane crash felt kind of cheesy. Most of the description seemed to be centered around Angela's outfits, which weren't nearly as pertinent as the actual setting, in my mind. The writing really needs cleaned up in this story. It was filled with grammatical errors and typos, and I found it hard to read. In places, I skimmed for meaning because I couldn't really get through the sentences themselves. It just really needs to be cleaned up. Please do not be discouraged by this. It's a great start, and I truly enjoyed what I read, I just think that it needs some work. I hope this helps. If you have any questions about any of this, please let me know. I would love to help you out in any way I can. Great work so far!

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Interesting look at a serial killer

Okay, I thought this was really cool. I love being put into the head of a murderer, and I feel like you really do that in this story. From the writing style to the plot to the POV, it all seems directed toward that one goal of showing us the inside of this man. I read the first nine chapters and am anxious to see how things turn out. I'm very glad that you decided to post this. The killer strikes me as smart and a little prideful, and that makes for an interesting character. I'd like to know more about him and his motives for killing. I feel like you could dive even more into his psychology without boring the reader. I want to see more into him -- his past, what he does beyond killing, his hobbies, his hopes, his dreams or nightmares, his fears. In stories like this where the reader is mostly cooped up in the head of the character, I think that you can really dive down into who they are. That just makes it all the more fun, in my opinion. I also really like how you convey the characters around him. He sees them from a birds-eye sort of view, and that kind of gives the reader a quick and concise description of who they are. It makes it feel more real. The chapter length is great. I personally love short chapters because you feel like you're actually getting somewhere.

I think that there are some things you could improve on the more technical end. The writing style was good, and I thought that your POV was very interesting, but it needs some polishing. There were places where sentences just didn't make sense or where things were clunky. Since it's following his thoughts, I think it needs a bit more flow. Also -- and this is just my opinion -- I would like more description in this. It's so good so far, but I feel like coloring the settings and the characters would give so much more. I want to know what the killer looks like and how he interacts with people on a more specific level -- dialogue, etc. More details would give this story even more of its own unique flavor. It makes me think of another story on this site -- I think it was called Perfect.

Anyway, this is a great story so far, and I'm glad that you chose to share it on here. It's going onto my list, and I'm going to try to get back on it soon. Great work so far! I hope that you do well in the contest!

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Really good beginning

I read the first bit of this story and have REALLY enjoyed it thus far. The writing is smooth and has good flow, and I love the interaction between the characters. It is unexpected, but also very natural. I really like the way that you are building Harrington's character so far, with his cocky attitude and desire for thrill. Not much is handed to us in the way of plot, but I like what I see happening so far, with the rivalry between Harrington and that other fighter and the disappearance of Anne's brother. I would like to know more, so I'll definitely be keeping this on my reading list. The one thing that confused me about this story was the gender of the main character. I actually thought that Harrington was a last name, so I wasn't sure whether he was a girl or a guy, and the name "Lovely" threw me off, because I've heard that used as a nickname. I thought he was a girl until I looked back at the blurb. Maybe that's just me, but I thought that it needed more clarification, or maybe just some more physical description. Anyway, I really like where this is going so far, and I'm excited to see what happens next. Great work! I hope that this does well in the contest!

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Great characterization

I have read the first few chapters so far, and I really like where this story is going. It had me intrigued from the very beginning with the sheer mystery of the superpowers, but there was also an element of it that touched me at a personal level. The Kyra character I'm enjoying so far, with her fun-loving and yet responsible nature, but I really like Noah. He had my sympathy from the get go. A lot of times, the bullied character doesn't really work for me because its just an exercise in self-pity, but the combination of his desire to take care of his mother and to overcome the "cowardice" that he sees in himself. The characterization in this, from the dialogue to the conveyed personalities, was very natural. I look forward to seeing where this is going. The plotline isn't super clear at this point, but I think that you give the reader enough to keep them wanting more. The writing itself was simple and evocative. I like the way that the description is kind of sprinkled throughout the story rather than just dumped on us right away. The one thing I noticed that felt a little odd was when the girl was flying around in her room. It seems like that's a pretty small space (or at least in my case) to be actually building up speed and at risk of slamming into things. It doesn't seem like there'd be enough room. Just a thought. Other than that, I thought this was great so far! Awesome work! I hope that you do well in the contest!

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Intriguing

I read the first couple chapters, and I'd like to read more, because this is a very interesting story. I really like the prose and the way you painted Kat's personality. Everything felt very smooth and vibrant in the story without you dancing around more sensitive subjects. I only marked it down because I ran into frequent grammatical errors. It was a very good beginning. Really well done!

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Incredible voice!

I just want to say that the writing in this is amazing! I read the first couple chapters and was absolutely drawn in by it, The way you use first person in this story is extremely engaging and does wonders with your character development. I immediately had a picture of the characters and plotline in mind. It is clever, humorous, and blatant at times. Normally I don't like a plot that is completely centered on revenge, but you pull it off very well and make it easy to root for your nasty yet witty main character. I am interested to see how "Dog-tags" plays out in this, and I was really loving the scene with the lamp post. I found myself giggling reading through this, and most "humor" stories don't do that for me. This is a really great story, and I hope to read more soon! This, in my humble opinion, is masterful work! Keep it up!

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Interesting

I read the first couple chapters, and I thought that it was enjoyable, but there were a few gaps. I liked the idea of the people born every fifty years with the strange blessing/curse. Your characters were engaging, and I especially like Andy and the strange tall demon so far. Your writing was simple and interesting. I didn't understand how the main character knows the rules or what enforces the rules or what the rules really are. Maybe that comes in later chapters? Also, there was a lot of places (especially in the first chapter) where you needed to do more showing and less telling. It's not a huge deal, but I think that it would really empower your writing. This is an interesting story, and the beginning really has a draw to it. Hope this helps! Good work!

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Enjoyable

This was not what I expected, but I enjoyed it a lot Malfoy was always one of the characters that I liked a lot, so I like that a lot of this happens between him and Colette. I read the first couple chapters, and I enjoyed your writing style and am excited to see where you take this story. My complaint is with the first chapter. You kind of do an information dump. It works, but I think that it would be better if you just mixed it in with the rest of the story, and this is why. I read the first chapter and got a picture of the main character. Then I read the second chapter and got a totally different picture. The two seemed to clash. I would almost say that you could cut the first chapter and start with the second one, because the characterization in the second chapter is really great.

So you are fourteen? That's awesome. I started writing around that age too, and I'm really glad that you had the courage to put your writing out there. You're very good, and this story is too. I just think that if you made a few adjustments, it could go from good to great. I hope this helps. Good luck in the contest!

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Neat story!

This really drew me from beginning to end. The characterization was great, and the plot kept me engaged. I felt like a lot of this was making fun of the typical horror story thing (her deciding the best time to go was at midnight, etc.), and I had to laugh. Your writing was simple and evocative. Reading the last paragraph, I was feeling disappointed until I got to the very end. I thought that she was going to end up being a star, and I felt like it was a cheat that a magic violin was going to get her there. Then I got to the last sentence and went YES! It was a very unexpected and chilling ending. Very well done! I would have liked to know more about what the violin did to her and what the deal was with the specter, but it made sense as it was anyway. Great work!

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A quiet and heroic story

The forgiveness that is displayed in the story is amazing. I really loved the ending. It's amazing, again, how much you manage to fit into these short stories, and I feel like each one has something important to say. You did a great job of setting the scene and building up to things so that I was never quite sure what was going to happen. I wondered what position the man who taught the girl the dark arts was in before he ended up in prison though. Some sort of teacher or official? Or was he a prisoner when he taught her? I would have liked to know more about what when down in that relationship. Other than that, it was amazing! Great work!

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Super creepy!

I loved this. The bad guy never really knows that he is the bad guy. In fact, he thinks that he is doing the right thing. This story is a perfect portrayal of that concept. I loved the character that you created through this. It kept me engaged throughout the entire story, and the writing style was simple and evocative. I really enjoyed it! I didn't really understand the ending though. I wasn't sure if he killed the wrong man or if his wife had already moved on to another one. That just needs a little clarification, I think. Well done! Good luck in the contest!

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This is great!

I really love your writing style in this story. Usually the whole narration from a journal sort of thing doesn't work for me, but you really pull it off here. I like the main character's blatant way of putting things. I think that it lends a lot to his character and to the story. You tell it like it is. I read the first chapter and hope to read more. The idea of the Event seems pretty stereotypical, but you've already put a brand new twist on it, so it keeps the story lively. I am excited to see what happens next. The only thing I didn't like about this story was the amount of swearing in it, but that's just personal preference (and I still thought that the ways you used it made the story more humorous). Really well done! I hope that you get more votes, because this is great!

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Good fantasy!

I read the first few chapters of this story and really enjoyed it. Your characters were unique and interesting. I really liked the fight scene with the necromancer and the sniper. The writing itself was very descriptive and gave me a clear picture of what was happening. I was a little confused about the time that it was set in, since there was both magic and guns, but I liked the way that you wove them together. I thought this story was very well done, and I can't wait to find out what happens next! Good work!

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Emotionally charged

I read the prologue and was almost in tears. I have an infant baby sister, so it really hit me hard. I thought it was well done, with an intriguing plot and interesting characters. However, I think that you need to go over this again because there were a lot of grammatical errors and places where you switched tenses. It distracted from what could have been a really great story. However, even with those errors there, I think this story has real potential. Keep writing!

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So creative!

You packed so much into such a short story, and I just love that! I assumed, since it was from the POV of a houseplant, that this was going to be boring, but it definitely wasn't! The scattered descriptions were very well done, and I liked the style of your writing. I thought it was interesting that the man died because he killed the very thing that was keeping him alive. And I like that the man from the rescue ship took a piece of the plant back with him. Great story!

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A quiet epic

Most of the time when someone has magic in a story it is one of the obvious things -- invisibility, flying, ice, fire, etc. But the power that Furl weaves with her loom is unique. I like that she has to use her wits and her powers to escape the dragon that has taken her captive. The writing itself was smooth and beautiful. I actually think that this story could be expanded into a longer story, and that would make it more powerful, but that is a call for the author to make. Either way, I like this story. Good work! :)

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YIKES!

I think this is the scariest story that I have read on here! It was great! I can totally see this happening with all the virtual reality technology in this society, and, having tried it before, I'm pretty creeped out. The characters were interesting, and I liked your descriptions. They were clear and evocative. I think the only thing that needs work is that every once in a while you switched tenses. Great work! Good luck in the contest!

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Great story!

I have only read the first bit, and I like this story a lot. The characters are strong, and this author has a very interesting and unique take on what the future may hold. I hope to read more as soon as I have time. I wish you good luck in the Beyond Time contest!

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Unravel

You've got a really nice start to an interesting story. I was drawn in right away and left with many questions circulating in my head. Why the tests? Why the dreams? Why does she have such extreme reactions to stress? I eagerly await the next chapter so I can find out more. We don't know much about the characters or where the plot is going to go, but the chapter has a nice hook. I will say that you could try to do more showing and less telling in this chapter. I think it would help it to be more evocative and draw in the reader even more. There were also numerous formatting and grammatical errors that distract from the story. All in all, this is a good start! It just needs a bit of work. Good job!

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AMAZING

I'm so desperate to read more of this! I'm truly a sucker for stories with little boys or girls who are more than they appear. I was sucked in from the start, and it didn't let me go all the way through. This story has a great draw to it! I like the characters that you introduced. I would have liked to have known more about what they look like and where they are, but I loved the interaction between characters and the way you are able to set up the plot so quickly. The only thing that bothered me was that the wording in many of the sentences was a bit clunky, and sometimes it slowed me down because I wasn't exactly sure what you were trying to say. But other than that, this is a fantastic start, and I can't wait for updates. Great work!

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Detailed but a little slow-moving

This story was interesting from chapter one and had some good work along the lines of world-building. Fantasy is a challenging genre (one that I personally have never been able to master), and I admire the work that you have put into this. I didn't really notice typos in it, which is kinda rare on any writing site. I wasn't super drawn into this story. Perhaps this was because it wasn't quite for me, but I will try to point out a few things that I think would have made it more engaging for me as a reader. Firstly, I think I would have stayed hooked if it moved a bit faster. Chapter one has a great scene that could have really sunk its teeth into me, but it felt a little clogged with repetitive setting and just unnecessary facts and sentences. I found this to be true in later chapters as well. I think that if you tried to tighten it a bit, it would help with the pacing and make it more engaging. Secondly, I felt emotionally distant from the characters. I couldn't feed off them because I couldn't really get a grasp of who they were. I would try to make it clearer what they are thinking and feeling by evoking their emotions rather than telling us their emotions. Please don't be discouraged by this. I think this is a great start with a lot of potential, it just needs a bit of work so that it really sinks its hooks into the reader. :-)

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Amazing start!

I wasn't sure what I'd think of this since there seems to be more and more dystopian stories arriving on the literature scene, but I REALLY like where you're going with this one. The idea of the strange but cruel government taking over the and communities of refugees is pretty typical to the genre, but so far you seem to be handling it in a way that is unique and interesting. I was immediately drawn in by your characters and the way that they connected with one another. The dialogue was EXCELLENT. I cared about each and every person I came in contact with in the story - I was so sad about the boy and his father; that rescue scene was really well done. You left us on a cliff-hanger, and I'm so curious to see what will happen next! I will say that I think you could cut down on the first part of chapter one so that it doesn't function quite so much as an info dump. The sooner you can bring your reader into the meat of the story, the better. Also, I noticed some typos and such. All in all, this is a really great start! I was totally into it and would have read more if it was there. I can't wait to see where this goes. Great work!

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The Shoeman Curse (Spoiler Alert)

I absolutely love reading stories about writers, and this one did not disappoint. I was drawn into this from the beginning to the end, and it didn't let me go for a second. Your tremendous writing style paired with a meaningful and humorous narrative was fascinating and had me laughing one minute and crying the next. Some of the scenes were so heartbreaking, but I loved the way that you handled it. I loved each and every one of the characters. I'm glad that the Shoeman Curse wasn't an actual curse like so many other stories; having it be more about family struggles and the life of a budding writer was interesting enough on its own. I have to say, I would have liked to see you do more with Shamus. I really really liked him but I still didn't really understand him by the time I got to the end of the story. I would have liked to have seen him and Dusty connect more by the end. All in all, this is a fantastic read and an emotional roller coaster, and I would recommend this to anyone. Great work! I would definitely read more of your writing!

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Fast-paced story

I really like stories that move quickly and are organized into chapters that are short and sweet, but more than that I like stories that defy my expectations. I loved the idea of the girl having nightmares and then waking up with real bruises like she was physically assaulted. The mystery of the story was great, and it was quite scary at times (the scenes toward the beginning with the strange sounds and occurrences in the apartment very tense)! I usually don't like stories that get into religious matters, but I thought you handled it in a decent fashion. I liked the characters and the way that you built them throughout the story. The ending is quite the cliff-hanger! I'm very curious as to what will happen next. I noticed some typos here and there, but other than that the writing was pretty clean and well-done. All in all, a really good start with a lot of potential. Great work! I would definitely read more of your writing.

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Mind-bending

In all honesty, when I read the first chapter I wasn't sure that this would be my type of story. It seemed very hard-core sci-fi, and prologues usually bore the life out of me. However, once I got to chapter one my mind was absolutely blown! For some reason, it didn't connect with me that people would be speaking telepathically rather than out loud, and I've NEVER seen a story attempt that before. At first I wondered why you weren't using quotation marks, but then it clicked. I absolutely love it when stories are able to bend reality in a way that is believable. I have so many questions right now...why did they never learn to speak, why does the moon affect them in that way, who are the rebels, etc. This is a great start as far as leaving the reader wanting more. The characters are very interesting to me, and I feel that I can support them already. The writing style was clear and articulate. I noticed some typos here and there, but other than that it was great! The only thing I would change would be to take out the prologue. Chapter one has much more draw, and you give a lot of the information in the following chapters, making the prologue kind of redundant. Just throw the readers straight in! All in all, this is a fascinating start, and I am eager to know what will happen next. Great work!

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Prominent Pleasure (No spoilers)

Erotica usually isn't my first choice for reading, but I was intrigued by your plot and characters. The first chapter has a good amount of draw to it. I was eager to find out what going on but it was a bit difficult to read and get into because of the writing style and frequent grammatical issues. The tense switched between past and present numerous times within the same scene, making it a little disorienting, and I think that using paragraphs in here would really benefit the story. Paragraphs create pacing and help to guide the reader along. If you fix the formatting errors and grammatical issues, I think you will really have a story with a lot of potential. It's hard work cleaning up your writing, but it's always worth it. I hope this helps. Good job, and keep writing!

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Serenity Rising

I don't usually read erotica, so I might not exactly be the target audience for this story, but I did find it enjoyable. I was intrigued by the character and wanted to find out what would happen next. The plot itself drew me in, but the narrative, telling style was a little dull to me. This may just be personal preference, but I usually find stories that show more specific personal scenes rather than an overview much more affecting. Gliding from event to event feels like telling rather than showing to me, and that left me feeling kind of disconnected from the characters and what was going on. I think that if you brought the reader closer to what was going on it would make it much more evocative and affecting. This is really hard to do sometimes but definitely worth the trouble. As far as the technical end of the writing goes, I think you did a great job cleaning it up and getting rid of typos. All in all, this story has a lot of potential, I just think it needs some work in the "show, don't tell" department. Great work! Hope this helps. :-)

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Unique but needs some fleshing out

I really like the idea of the story, with the half-orphan and the forbidden love. It was an expected premise for a romance story but I think that you handled it in a way that made it unique and special. I especially liked that this story took place in a culture very different from my own. That made it very interesting to me. It started a little slowly - it felt like it was all exposition until around chapter three - but after that I was definitely pulled in. This story was very clean, and I didn't notice any typos. However, I did notice a great deal of telling rather than showing. It felt like you spent most of each chapter just telling the reader what was happening, kind of narrating. I wanted to be SHOWN what was going on through specific scenes. This lack of showing made me feel a bit disconnected from the characters. They felt very two-dimensional to me, and I didn't feel as invested in them as I could have been. Like when Biji asks for permission to marry Ash and came back, it felt like she went straight from "Meh, I don't really wanna date" to "OMG I LOVE YOU TAKE ME BIJI". If you flesh out the characters some more and try to focus on specific scenes rather than narration, I think it will make this story all the more affecting. All in all though, it's a good story. I hope this helps. Great work!

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Unexpected

I am the sort of person that doesn't usually read vampire books because they are not really my thing, but I think this story takes a nice, unexpected twist on the genre. I was drawn in from the beginning (I especially liked the quote that you used in the first chapter). The writing was decent but needs a bit of polishing. This is a good start, and I believe it has a lot of potential. Good work!

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Enjoyable

I didn't end up reading the entire thing because I don't like erotica, but I felt that what I did read was well done. The writing style was clean and polished, and I didn't notice a lot of typos. It has a good amount of draw to it, and, given the right audience, I think a lot of people will enjoy this story. Great work!

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Dark Mountain - a fantastic beginning!

I think this is a really good start to something that has a lot of potential. When I was younger, I read tons of the Warriors books by Erin Hunter, so this is right up my alley. I liked that you used wolves in this. Wolves are very cool. Even though this is a short chapter, you give the reader a lot of information about the world the wolves' live in, and you instantly grab the reader's attention. Your setting and imagery was spot-on. I immediately had a picture of where the characters were and what they were doing. I also really liked the names in this story. I'm very curious as to where this story will go and what will happen next! This has a lot of potential. I know this is an early draft, but I must mention that I found a lot of typos and grammatical errors (this, of course, is to be expected at this point). I also thought that the ending was really rushed. The part where the she-wolf died felt very rushed and glazed-over. I wanted this to be more emotional for the other wolf. Even just giving a description of what she looks like while she's laying there would help with this. But, all in all, this is a great start! I can't wait to see what will happen next!

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Lights in the Night

This was a very enjoyable story to read! I enjoyed following its twists and turns. It had exceptional character development, and I felt like the characters really took on a life of their own on the page. I could picture them all in my mind's eye - both their physical appearance and their inner environment. This made the story especially enjoyable to me. The plot was intriguing and kept me engaged. I loved the writing style you employed. It was very clever and witty. I marked it down for some typos, but other than that it was really good. Great work!

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The S Girl (NO SPOILERS)

This was a really fun story to read! I am always looking for a good spy story to read on here, so I was very happy to find this! I will try not to spoil anything in this review. I thought that this was good as a story, but I also thought it would work very well as a screenplay. The characters in this were very interesting. I liked Saravi's angst. She always did the unexpected and kept me on my toes. I liked to see how she reacted in different situations. I also like her relationship with the new boss ( I just forgot his name ). The plot was intriguing and kept me hooked from the very beginning. This followed a lot of typical action/thriller/spy tropes, but that in itself made the story kind of fun. The issue that I found with this story was the technical end of the writing itself. There were a lot of issues with clunky language, and I sometimes wasn't sure what you were trying to communicate. There were also a lot of typos and grammatical errors that threw me off a bit. If this was corrected, it would improve the story by leaps and bounds. As it was, the errors kind of took away from the story. All in all, this is a good start! It has good bones, it just needs some better wrapping. Great work! I hope you get lots of reads on this!

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Very intriguing beginning!

I really enjoyed this! I've never watched Dexter, so I didn't really know what to expect, but I like what you have here so far. Exploring the mind of a psychopath is so interesting to me, and I love seeing the different approaches that authors take. I especially liked the voice that you employed here to show the attitude and personality of your protagonist. You seem to really fight against cliches in this story, which is really cool! It really gave the story its own unique flavor. I'm very curious as to where the plot will go and to where the protagonist's dark urges will take her. I am looking forward to exploring her disturbed psyche, and I'm also quite interested in the other characters you've introduced so far. You have a really good way of showing who a character is instantly, which is REALLY hard to do! That being said, I think I would have enjoyed more setting in this story. I was actually really confused during the chase scene at the first part of the chapter just because I wasn't sure if he was in a car or what was going on. More setting in the scenes would clarify a few things, I think. The grammar also needed a bit of work throughout the story. I liked the way you phrased things, it's just that the mechanics were a bit off. All in all, this is a great start, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes! Great work!

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Great serial killer story! (SPOILER ALERT)

It took me a while to get around to reading this, but once i did it drew me in right away. I find Jack the Ripper quite fascinating - which is part of what drew me to this story - and it didn't disappoint. It feels like a lot of research went into this, and I loved the meticulous details. Your characters were extremely interesting. I could usually guess what the twists were going to be, but I still enjoyed them. Jack was a very interesting character, and I liked your fresh take on his personality and background. John was also very interesting, a naive and kind man contrasted with the nasty J.W. Cannibal. Their interaction with one another was probably one of my favorite things about this story. Their friendship was very endearing. The dialogue was a little stilted at times, but I liked that they were so open and honest with each other. The plot itself was enjoyable, with a nice balance of predictability and surprises. I have to say, the end REALLY took me off guard. I was hoping for a happy ending, or at least a little more resolution. At least I'd like to know whether Jack lived or died. However, the ending seems appropriate to the story, so I think I can be satisfied with that. The main problem i had with this story was the writing itself. It is in desperate need of tightening. There is a lot of fluff (extra words), and many of the phrases are very clunky. I also noticed numerous typos throughout the story, and plus there was a formatting issue that made all the paragraphs run together. If you solve these problems, I think you'll really have something here. I could hardly put it down as it was. All in all, good work! This was a pleasure to read!

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Intriguing beginning

i have to say, this concept kind of has a special place in my heart because my sister and I always used to make believe that we were going to "princess school" rather than regular school and stuff like that. It's an interesting concept, and I like the start. I was intrigued, and I enjoyed the interaction between the characters. It does need some work on the technical aspect of the writing. There were a lot of grammatical issues with the writing that make it a bit confusing at times. If this was cleaned up then things would be a lot clearer and more professional looking. I would read this again if you tidied it a bit. All in all, this has a lot of potential! It just needs a bit of work. Good job!

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The story of an overcomer

This story was absolutely incredible. It tells such an important story and deals with such painful, difficult issues. I loved every single chapter and all the horror and bittersweet that it brought. It takes gall to delve into some of these subjects, and you did it with tact and frankness. The plot kept me engaged the entire time, with just enough tension to keep up the pace. Your characters were interesting and unique, and they felt very real to me, flaws and all. The only one that I didn't feel I understood was the father - I would have liked to have known why he was such a scumbag. As someone who has had to deal with them for years, I can tell you that your panic attack scenes are pretty much spot on. I also really liked that you began to restore Ashley's relationship with James and that he's showing her what a man can be. That ending was really sweet and heart-felt. The writing style was well-done. It was honest about the situation and gave the reader lots of vivid details, making it feel real. There were a lot of typos in here, but that could easily be fixed with a read-through and a red pen. All in all, this is a really great read! I love reading stories about overcomers, and I think that Ashley is a bit of a quiet hero. Great work! I hope you get more reads on this!

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This story has potential

This was an interesting read. I liked the descriptions that you put in here and the time that you took to flesh out character. I was also glad that Pam didn't run off with the other guy in the end (it seems like most stories of this genre would have had that happen for one reason or another). This story definitely has a lot of potential, but I think there are some issues that need to be smoothed out. There is way to much telling in this story. I think that if you use more telling it will draw the reader into the story more. For example, in the first chapter, you talk about Bob and you say, "Bob is this and this and this," basically listing out his attributes. This is exceedingly boring. You could make this so much more affecting if you showed this through his words and actions rather than giving us a list. Maybe instead of doing this, give us a scene in the kitchen or at the breakfast table with her and Bob interacting so that we can see how he treats her, how he talks, how he dresses. Instead of telling us how they have raised Joey, show it to us through the way they interact. Of course, you will need SOME telling, but showing empowers your writing, and you should try to do that as much as possible. It might also help if you made the meeting with the young man more significant by providing specific dialogue and a description of him. He must be a pretty significant person to throw her into conflict so fast. Show us him oozing sex appeal through his actions, words, and bearing. Then maybe try to cement her decision at the end to stay with her husband. Or, if that's not what you're going for, show us her desire to do the right thing but also sneak in that trickle of doubt. If you do this, I think it will vastly improve the story. Besides that, there were also some formatting issues with there being big spaces in between the lines, and the formatting of the dialogue was a bit clunky. If you smooth these out, I would definitely be interested in reading it again. I hope that this helps. This story has a lot of potential, it just needs some tweaks to REALLY make it shine. Great work, and happy writing!

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A thought-provoking read

I'm honestly not really sure how to review this because I'm not sure whether to think of it as a story or as a statement, so I'll just try and lay out my impressions of the work. It was very interesting. I haven't learned a whole lot about the historical subject matter in this work, so now I'm very curious to look into it. You do a great job of showing the horror of the time while not making it over-dramatic. I liked the characters that you put into it and their interactions. I thought the final chapter was especially well-written in the area of character. Some scenes I had a hard time reading because they were so vivid and gritty. I did struggle a bit in this work. I hadn't the slightest idea what was going on until chapter four and was still pretty lost. In places, the writing was very vague and left me confused as to what was happening (this was especially the case in some of the first chapters and in the chapters where there were depictions of battles). I think it would help if you clarified this a little because I spent a lot of the time muddling through and not understanding what was happening. There were some typos in here as well. All in all, it was definitely thought-provoking and left me extremely curious about the subject matter of your work, but I think it needs a bit of polishing.. Good work!

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An enjoyable start

So I usually don't read vampire stories because they're not really my thing, but I did enjoy this start. It had me interested from the beginning and kept me engaged the entire time. I like this world that you've created - contemporary with the fantastical, inter-dimensional twist. I also thought that having your protagonist (a witch) be a Hunter. It was a very interesting conflict of interests. I also liked the idea of the hunters turning on her so that Isaac has to save her. The end of the last chapter was a sad twist (poor Justin). I enjoyed the story, but I found the characters to be rather bland and generic. I really don't have much of a feel for any of them. I think that if you built on them a little more (showing personality through words, actions, and their interpretations of the world), it would make this story more compelling. There were also frequent typos in here, and there's a bit of a formatting issue. Inkitt does this thing where it smashes the paragraphs together, so you may want to go through and add spaces in between the paragraphs. Other than that, it was an interesting start! I can tell that this has a lot of potential. Great work! I hope you get lots of reads!

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OH MY GOSH!!!!

This story is absolutely incredible. I don't know if I've ever been so involved in a story on Inkitt. I wasn't sure if it was going to be my type of story at first, but it immediately drew me in and didn't let go to the very end. I read this thing in two days and stayed up way too late trying to finish it. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!! I can't wait for your next one to come out! On a more objective note, your story was very interesting. I like that you had a nice pace with time in between the action. It was well-balanced. The story plays with the reader's emotions as we see Shy and Michael in their struggles between their emotions and their situations. The characters were really great. Your protagonists were well-developed and likable. I liked that you showed us how they responded differently to different situations. Your side characters were also incredibly well-developed, and by the time I was done I cared about every single one of them. I have never really been a person that "ships" characters, but I really want Shy and Michael to get back together. I would have liked to know more backstory about the two of them, but I assume that's probably coming in later installments. You do a good job balancing their dark sides with their lighter, more likable sides, which is extremely hard to do. The writing itself was tight and evocative. I did notice typos in there but not enough to really distract me from the story. There were a few times when I didn't really think that you needed both points of view (when you tell the story from Shy's perspective and then show the same thing from Michael's perspective). In some places, it works, but in others it seems very repetitive. Another problem I noticed was that you give the reader little warning when you transition, mid-scene. One minute, Shy is doing something in one place, the next it's weeks later and she's doing something else. When you have these big changes where it's still one character's perspective but there's been a big time gap, I would use asterisks or the swirly symbol that Inkitt has made available. Other than that, the writing was really solid. I'm kind of foaming at the mouth right now wanting to know what will happen next, so you've done your job. Incredible work! This should really be published. I can't wait for the next book!!!

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Unique and fascinating

I have seen a lot of people try to pull off the concept of heart-reading and such, but I think this is the first story I've encountered that was actually successful at it. I was fascinated from the very beginning, and it didn't lose me the whole way through. I read the whole thing in one sitting. I loved the politics that you poured into this. The way you explained the development of this strange and yet not-so-strange world gave me an immediate feel of why things were the way they were. I haven't yet figured out what the main theme of this story is, but I think it could go in a lot of directions. The plot-line was very intriguing, with the boy that could not be read and the huge, disastrous trial. The despair of the children as they faced a world that demanded perfection was very touching. My favorite scenes were the ones where the courtroom exploded into chaos and the ending scene where Lee first encountered Nara. I liked the characters that you used. Lee and Eri were very enjoyable and relatable. I also liked the boy that couldn't be read Nara, although I am seriously curious as to WHY he couldn't be read. Is this the whole story, or is there to come later on? I loved it all the way through, but I found the ending a bit dissatisfying because there were so many answered questions. Then again, I'm not sure if this is the whole book, so I'm not marking you down for it. There were a few issues that I encountered in the story. In many of the chapters, especially the ones earlier on, the scene would start with simple "he" "she" dialogue tags when I had no idea what "he" and "she" you were referring to. This led to a lot of confusion on my end as I tried to figure out who you were talking about. A little more clarification in some of those areas might be a good idea. :-) I also noticed a lot of grammatical errors and typos in here. The writing really needs to be polished. I could usually follow your train of thought, but there were glaring mistakes in many places. This could probably be fixed with a read-through with a red pen, so no panic. Aside from that, I just had a few areas where I was confused. Why are the people wearing masks? Are they trying to avoid having their hearts read? Or is it something else? I was also very curious as to the purpose of the school. Did the kids live there? What do they study? And then, of course, why couldn't they read Nara? I am very very intrigued by this world you've created and eager to figure out what happens next. I feel like this can't be the end of the story. All in all, this is a great start! The story is fresh and unique, and you've got great characters! There are a few areas that need work, but I would definitely read the rest of this if there is more to come. Great work!

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Great potential but needs some work

This story was very interesting and unexpected. I don't think I've ever read a story quite like this, where the younger sister is searching for the older sister's kidnapped daughter. That's a really interesting storyline, and it's got a lot of potential. Good for you for trying something unique! The writing itself needs some work. There was a great deal of grammatical issues and typos. From the first three chapters, I don't get much of a feel for character, so I think I'll focus on that this review. Chapter one is SUPER important because it sets up your premise and introduces your characters. It is super important (as well as super difficult) to draw your reader in within that first chapter. While I was curious as I was reading, there was a real problem with the pacing (this goes for the three chapters, but I'm focusing on the first chapter). There was so much inner dialogue that it kind of clogged up the chapter and made it a slow read. Most of it was also repetitive and seemingly unnecessary. I would try to shift the focus away from her inner world toward Scarlet's outer world. Rather than TELLING us her thought process, SHOW us how she feels through her words, actions, and dialogue. I would take a red pen to a great deal of that inner monologue and let the reader focus on her interactions with other people. That scene with her sister (and later the other characters) is very interesting, so I think it would help if you focused on that more. Let the dialogue and action carry the story. All in all, it's a good start, and it's got a lot of potential. Great work! I hope this helps!

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Enjoyable but needs to be fleshed out

I'd never really read one-shots before, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but I enjoyed both of them. I like the idea of just capturing and delivering a single moment to the reader and leaving the rest to their imagination. That must be very hard to do, packing so much into something so small. I was a little confused by the first one. At first, I thought that Eric was on the train with her, but then I realized that those were just flash-backs. It has a lot of potential, but I think that it needs to be fleshed out a little. The second one was clearer to me. I liked that it was very up-front and brief. I liked the emotions that you packed into it -- you could bring even more in if you wanted to! And I liked the argument that Sammie made to keep him from jumping. I would say that you might improve these by including more physical description. Since this is so short, it's hard to get a feel for character. I think that you might help the reader along by telling us what the characters look like, especially in the case of the boy that's preparing to jump. By showing us how broken and haggard he is, you can really show us how much agony the poor thing is in. These are really good, and they have a lot of potential! I would just try to flesh them out a little more. If you did this, I would be glad to read them again. Short fiction is really fun for me, and these are quite enjoyable. Great work!

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Wonderfully enthralling!

I sat down with the intention of reading one chapter before I started my homework and ended up binge-reading the whole thing. This story was extremely enjoyable, and I'm eager to see where it goes. Everything about it was enthralling, from the plot, to the cast of characters. The world that you've created for this story is dark and beautiful, and I'm curious to see where things will go next. I liked the idea of there being so many dangerous creatures outside the villages and towns. It added a really fun, fantastical element. I was surprised by the turn of events that led to Alex fleeing from the Sanctuary, and it was handled very well. The assassins remind me of a group called the Dark Brotherhood from a game called Skyrm. I'm curious if you've played this, because lots of the elements, from the assassins group and the college to the cast of characters remind me of Skyrim. I think my favorite part of this story was the characters. I loved the interaction between Alex and Conner (I ship it). And I also liked the characters that you developed in the Sanctuary. I'm really curious about the one mysterious guy (I saw him called both Micha and Micah in there, so I'm confused about his name). I was amazed at the way you gave each character a different voice. That is EXTREMELY hard to do, and it makes it so much more real. My only complaint is that I went through the first half of this story not knowing if Alex was a girl or a boy. I'm still not certain, although I assume by Alex's relationship with Conner that she's a girl. I would appreciate some clarity on that because I like to have a picture of the protagonist I'm following from chapter one. Other than that, it was great! The writing was very clean and enjoyable, and I like Alex's voice. I only noticed a few typos here and there. All in all, it's a great start! I can't wait to see where it goes!

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Intriguing

I just read your first two chapters and really enjoyed them! The plot is very intriguing, and I like the characters you've introduced so far. It left me wanting more. I especially liked the character of the boy in the second chapter (I can't remember how to spell his name). He is a nice balance of arrogant and courageous. I'm curious where his journey will take him and what part he will play in the story. I also like your world-building thus far. It's apparent that your story has a very broad scope with a beautiful, dangerous, detailed world. The one issue I did notice is that your story suffers from too much telling. I enjoyed both chapters, but it felt like I had to wade through a series of exposition and info-dumping in order to get to the more interesting parts. Most of it really seemed kind of extraneous. I would try to cut down on that in order to give the reader more content and more time with the characters. For example, in the first chapter you talk a lot about the war and the people involved and about the land and such, but I think that you could cut out a lot of that and, instead of telling the reader, show the reader these things. You could show us maps where the General has sketched in the positions of the enemy and banners from the other armies and his own beaten, dirty, weathered armor. Of course, you will need SOME exposition, but I don't think you need nearly as much as what you put in. In the second chapter, I also noticed the same issue - for example, when you are discussing the character of the boy and his position in life. You could cut a lot of that and show it to us by the way he acts, the family he runs into, and the condition of his possessions (home, clothing, shoes, etc.) If you do that, I think your story will have an even greater draw. The only other issue I ran into were a few typos and grammatical errors. Great start! I'm really intrigued so far, and I can't wait to see where it goes! Hope this helps. :-)

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Thought-provoking and enjoyable

I have to say, this isn't the type of story that I usually pick up, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Once I started, I couldn't stop, and I finished the whole thing in two days. It was so interesting to see this cast of characters that love art and spontaneity and writing. I could relate to so many of the concepts that were presented, and the idea of bringing more adventure into our lives really challenged me. The plot was unexpected and interesting. I liked the idea of the girl entering Avery's life to "help" her, and I liked the twist ending where Avery's life was turned upside-down. You kept the entire story interesting even when there wasn't much going on. Although I liked the unexpected turn of events (Eden using Avery for ulterior purposes), I was a little dissatisfied with the ending. The whole story is so beautiful, but it kind of fell flat in my mind once revenge was thrown into the midst. I could understand her hurt (I would be ticked off too!), but I was hoping that she would be the bigger person, take what she learned, and go home to make a new life for herself and restore the relationships that Eden broke. It was still good though. I also really enjoyed the characters you had in here. They were very unique and three-dimensional. When I found out that Avery's father was dead, I was really surprised and immediately admired the way you built up to that realization. Avery's development as the lead character was really cool. I liked the way she was challenged, and I like that Jared ended up liking her instead of Eden. She was extremely real and relatable. I would have liked to see her overcome this trick that Eden played on her in the end rather than turning to cheap revenge, but I can't have everything. :-) Eden was an especially interesting character. I can't say that I liked her, but I was always very intrigued by her. I especially liked the times when she revealed a bit of a dark side because that added to her complexity. That being said, I would have liked to know more about that dark side. I wanted to know why there were these sudden spurts of anger and violence, and I was also disappointed that I never got to find out Eden's secret (the one about what she did to her friend's book). Other than that, the characterization was wonderful. You did a brilliant job capturing teen life and throwing in unique people. Great work! The writing style was also very good. I loved the descriptions you used and the way that you evoked emotion into the reader. There were numerous grammatical issues in the story as well as some typos, but technical stuff like that is easy to fix. All in all, this was amazing! I don't read a book all the way through unless it really sinks its hooks into me, and this did that. Great work! I hope this does well in the contest!

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Good voice

Chapters 1-3: I just read the first part of your story and really enjoyed it. This is not usually the type of story I like, but your unique voice and writing style made it very interesting to me. I liked the details that you through in and the way that you described people's inward environments. The plot-line with the overly-obsessive ex is a little cliche, but I like where you're going with it so far. Eva is an interesting protagonist, one that I feel I can support, and I'm interested in finding out more about her. Your writing was generally very clean and tight, but I did notice several areas where the grammar seemed a little off. I was also confused by some of the areas where Eva was texting (it might help if you italicize the texts). And also, I would have liked to see more setting in the first chapter. I didn't really have any sense of time or place during that chapter, leaving it a little vague. It's especially critical to give setting through the eyes of the protagonist if you're not going to give a physical description of the protagonist right away. It helps the reader feel more connected and gives them a sense of character. All in all, it's a good start! Great work!

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Good start but needs more depth

I just took a look at this story, and I was very intrigued. I would like to know more about this family and the old lady and what's going on. It seemed really too brief for me to grasp what was going on or the implications of the story. You could do a lot more with this if you wanted to. At the end, I found myself wondering if the old lady was responsible for their father dying so quickly. I even wondered if maybe she was the mother, coming to release their father's soul. I think that if you expanded the characters more and gave them some backstory, it would give this story some needed depth. You could start by the physical descriptions of the characters, then move to things like the way they move and the way they talk. Everything a character does should reflect their personality in some way. Short fiction is super tricky because you don't have a lot of time with the reader, so that means that there needs to be a LOT of character in a really small place. You could also make the situation with the old lady scarier by adding some atmosphere. What do their surroundings look like? Is it dark? Does the dark seem to cling to Nathan? Is there a yellowish fog gliding through the streets? That sort of thing can build mood and tension in the reader. If you worked on some of this, I would be very interested in reading this again and seeing what you can do with it. Other than that, just the writing itself needed to be cleaned up, due to issues with grammar. I hope this helps! I would love to see this cleaned up and developed a little more. Great work!

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Entertaining beginning to a brilliant series

This is a fantastic read. It sunk its hooks into me from the beginning and didn't let go. From the unique plot to the humorous characters, this entire story was fascinating. The prologue is rather vague, but after that the plot is gripping. I liked that you were able to blend fantasy into science fiction for a sort of blend. I haven't seen many people do that successfully, but I think that you make it work in here. I really liked the way that you worked slavery into your world. The unjustness of the situation and Zam's attitude toward everything that was happening made him all the more likable as a character. I enjoyed the time spent with all the slave boys. Then, after he was taken to Stormlock, the plot really picks up. While the testing thing is overdone in most stories of this genre, I think that you do a good job of giving it a unique twist. The characters were my favorite part of this story. I loved Zam and his character. He was a good blend of intelligence and humor. Seeing the story told from his perspective made it very entertaining to read. I think one of my favorite sections with him was the one where he took over the vehicle that was transporting him and the other boy into slavery. His actions throughout that scene were so unexpected and off-the-wall. I also liked the other characters you introduced, from Mars to Sao, Argo, and Alicia. They made a good team, and their different characteristics provided one another with foils. The scene between them where the AI goes haywire the first time was very interesting to me. At first, the scene felt like one of those stereotypical scenes in the movies where one character takes charge and major butt-kicking immediately ensues. The fact that Sao shut him down (and that they didn't work well as a team during that fight) made the scene very unique and much more interesting than it would have been if they had all listened to Zam. The writing itself was very well done. I ran into the occasional typo and grammatical error here and there, but that is to be expected. My main critiques have to do with the clarity of writing in certain scenes and the emotional content. The scenes told from Zam's perspective were usually clear and easy to follow, but the one told by people from Stormlock were often confusing and a bit convoluted. I was constantly getting confused as to which character was which, and I would often get stuck in the middle of the scene trying to figure out who was who and what was going on. This sort of pulled me out of the story. But, luckily, I think only three or four of the scenes with them did this to me. So those could use a bit of work. My other critique has to do with the "drama" of the story. Don't get me wrong here. I really like that you filled it with so much humor and that Zam was able to adjust to all of his situations. However, I think that it lacked an emotional core. Some scenes needed drama, and it just wasn't there. I think the only scene that I really felt any emotion toward was the one where Zam was taken away from his parents. There were scenes like the one where Alicia was telling her story that felt kind of flat. Zam was saying how bad he felt for her, and she was crying a bit, but I was sitting there going "well that doesn't sound all that bad". Of course, it WAS a bad experience for her, but since she tells it so matter-of-factly, it doesn't come across that way for the reader.. So, I would try to add more vividness to scenes like that. Bring in little details and try to play on the reader's heartstrings. It's good that you've toned down the drama, but try not to squash it altogether. I also found the initial scenes in Stormlock a little flat because of Zam's indifference. I wanted to see him a little more freaked out and a little more questioning. He seems to accept that he is a wizard without a second thought. Him being more shaken by what is going on would also give him a little layer of vulnerability that would be nice. :-) It was the same after the fight that just about killed him. I wanted to see him having a harder time getting around, feeling more doubts about Stormlock and his team. Things like that would have added a bit more tension to the story and added more to Zam's character. Those are the only things that I noticed though. All in all, it's a really great story, and I can't wait for the next one to come out! I want to know what adventure lies in wait for Zam and his friends!

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Intriguing

I came across this, and the moment I read the first few sentences, I was hooked. Your story has a wonderful draw that will immediately pull in readers. Due to numerous errors in the writing, I read the prologue and decided to review based on that first part. I thought it was fascinating that you wrote that scene from the perspective of a killer. And a serial killer/Sheriff? That's a really cool concept! You give the reader just enough to be intrigued, which is brilliant. The issue I stumbled across was the writing itself. There were numerous grammatical errors that made it a little difficult to read. If you sweep through and clean that up, you'll really have something here! The plot thus far is extremely exciting (and dark, of course), just try to pretty up the wrapping! Great work!

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Terrifying and fascinating

I just read what you've posted so far (chapters 1-6), and I really enjoyed it. It drew me in immediately and didn't let go the whole way through. The tension and fright woven into this story was masterfully done. I read the first half of this section late at night in my bed, and the scene in chapter one where the creature was coming after Coby and Layla in their bedroom really got to me. It just got more and more spooky from there. I liked that you used something so innocent, like a children's storybook about why monsters AREN'T scary, and turned it into something that is absolutely horrifying. The description of each location and character really conjured pictures into my mind. You have a very nice clarity to your writing. The fact that the two characters are children made it even more frightening because of that added vulnerability. There's also a lot of mystery in this story. I'm wondering if the children can somehow alter the world inside the storybook, since Coby called for a flashlight and batteries and they dropped into his lap and Layla gains the strength to save herself and Coby several times in the story. I'm not sure if this is the case, but if this a world created by their imagination and fears, it almost adds a layer of allegory which I find quite fascinating. I'm also wondering why their father showed up and guided them (or lured them) throughout the world of the storybook. His presence also made me wonder if the world of the storybook is a little allegorical. A world that is created by their minds. But I'm beginning to think that my initial thoughts about this were wrong, since Layla has physically disappeared. :-) I also found myself rather confused when Sara saw her husband standing in front of the television but walked in a few minutes later and realized that he was dead. This makes me wonder if she saw something else, and her husband was dead when she first walked into the room. Chilling. I'm very intrigued and hoping for the next chapter so that I can find out what is up. The characters in this story are very enjoyable. I was immediately rooting for Coby and Layla, and I'm wondering what on earth happened to that poor girl! Sara is also a very interesting character (I was SO glad she stabbed Michael), and I'm also intrigued by Ashton and Emily. The writing in this story was very clear and evocative. The only reason I marked it down was due to frequent grammatical errors and typos that I found in the text. A quick read-through could probably wipe out most of these. All in all, this is a fantastic start. I haven't been so chilled by a story in a long time. Masterful work!

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Mind-blowing tale!

OH MY GOSH, I absolutely LOVED this story. It sunk its hooks into me from the very beginning and didn't let go. I am putting the next book in my reading list. This story was so fascinating and unique. I loved the themes of trust and friendship that were woven into this. It had its funny moments as well as its heart-wrenchingly sad moments. The story was well-balanced and riveting the entire time. I think that my favorite thing about this story was the characters. It's so cool that you took a bunch of criminal delinquents and made them into likable, relatable characters. I was immediately intrigued by the Cencreas Club, and the cast of characters involved. I had some trouble remembering who was who at first, but you did a great job creating unique, individual characters, which would be no small task with such a large cast of characters! The only one that I couldn't keep track of was Riley. I also had a difficult time keeping track of the workers inside the Facility where they were being kept. I knew who Jude, Bruno, and Bertha were, but I was constantly getting confused about the others. Maybe giving the reader a more proper introduction to these characters would help in that regard. I loved the absolute intelligence that was in each of these characters. Kendall was extremely interesting - with a heart-breaking backstory - and I hope that he and Herder are eventually reconciled. I expected Kendall to be a bit more strange. In the scenes where Jude is talking about him wearing different personalities and such, I expected him to act with more abnormalities. Especially in the scenes where you let the reader look inside his head. Instead, he seemed strangely ordinary. I think that my favorite character was Herder. I absolutely loved him and his attitude. He was so enjoyable, and I loved the way that he was able to predict Kendall's every move. I am hoping that things will work out for him. I liked the way that you tied in the painting that the boy found in the beginning of the story. It was a cool little addition to the story. As far as plot goes, this was very enjoyable. I think that you do a pretty good job of bringing things together in the end. I liked the way you wove the mystery of the CC and how it turned out they weren't trying to escape. That was a very good twist. There were times when I found myself getting confused. I am not sure how Kendall caused the power outage or why Herder ended up in prison and how Jude being an agent fits into this. There were also certain scenes where I became confused by the visuals. An example is the scene where Mazda crashes. When you initially described the mobile hanging precariously from the building, I didn't know what you were talking about or what was going on. Maybe trying to clarify stuff like that would help a bit. That was a great scene, I just didn't understand what was going on at first. The setting in this story was also very well done. I liked the idea of the ice-locked planet that was covered in nothing but prisons and metal institutions. Very ominous. The writing itself was enjoyable and clean. I ran into the occasional typo and grammatical error. One thing that I struggled with in the writing were the changes in perspective. They were often so abrupt that I wouldn't realize the POV had changed until I was several paragraphs in, and then I would have to go back and read again. I would suggest separating scenes where the POV changes with some sort of symbol, such as " *** ". It would clarify things for the reader. I was constantly getting thrown off by the changes in POV, and a marker definitely would have helped me. This story was absolutely wonderful, and I'm really sad to be done with it. My only critique has to do with clarity, both with communicating the actions taking place in the story and more technical things such as changes in perspective. Tightening these things up a little would really add a nice spice to an already magnificent work. Once again, I LOVED your characters. They were so enjoyable and unique and intelligent. I'm curious, you mentioned that Herder has a personality disorder. Did you research a specific one when you were writing, or did you just kind of make it up as you went? I would be interested in knowing exactly how and why his brain works the way it does. The same goes for Kendall -- though I think his maladies are more explained in the story. GREAT WORK! I loved this, and I hope that you get lots of readers for this. It's truly wonderful. I would definitely read more by this author.

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Enjoyable

I read the first bits of your story and am enjoying it so far. Romance isn't really my preferred area, but I figured I would try and give you some feedback. The idea of the couple being separated by the car accident is very sad. In the first chapter, you do an excellent job of conveying Matthew's grief toward the loss of Jenny and his sexual struggles. Your dialogue in the next chapter was very sweet, until everything went horribly wrong. I think my favorite part of this story so far are the visuals you use and your ability to show rather than tell. You never had to tell us that Matthew was well-off, you showed it to the reader by giving us a look at the inside of his house. I feel like you do a good job conveying Matthew's character just by that scene in front of the mirror and the little snippets of dialogue/monologue. You also did a good job of conveying the scene between him and his lover without getting overly graphic. As a reader that's not super into romance, I appreciated that. Sometimes less is more. When I first started reading the story, I skipped the synopsis. It may be just me, but it felt like a spoiler to have that right at the beginning. I'm not sure why you put it there, but I would just delete it and let the story itself sink its hooks in. Your first chapter has enough draw that it should be able to entice readers. :-) Also, while I liked the snippets of dialogue in chapter one, I thought it was weird that Matthew was just walking around the empty house talking to himself. If I were you, instead of having him talk out loud, maybe use italics and make that a sort of interior dialogue. A way of letting the reader tap into his thoughts. I think it would be much more natural that way. Other than that, the only thing I noticed were little issues with the grammar here and there. I think it's an excellent start to a very enjoyable story. I hope that this helps, and I hope you get lots of readers. Good work!

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Intriguing beginning

I just read the chapter that you have posted, and I am very intrigued. I want to know what is going on and what is going to happen next! I like the name Azora, and I sense in him a protagonist that I can support. I would like to know more about him in this first chapter, such as his age and physical appearance. From the way he acts, he seems young but tough. I'm also curious about his relationship with the boy that was chasing him and the woman whose house was broken-into. This story has a good draw, but it needs a bit of work. The chase scene drew me in right away, but the little section before that seemed kind of off the wall and unnecessary. Unless you have a specific reason for it being there, I would just cut it. Your chase scene has enough draw as it is. In the area of content, I would also say that you should try to add more visuals to this story. This chapter is very short, and you have plenty of room to give the reader a picture of the city, the characters, and the half-destroyed house. If you did that, it would give the story an even greater draw. As it is, it's a little abrupt and does not give the reader enough time to become emotionally invested in what is happening. I would say, use this chapter to explore your world a bit and introduce to the reader what the story is going to be about. This story has got good bones, just take some time to flesh it out! :-) On the technical end, this story needs a lot of work. There were many grammatical issues in this that made it a little difficult to read. If you'd like, I can go through and make comments in those areas, and those comments should be emailed to you via Inkitt. Also, there were large spaces in between your paragraphs that didn't need to be there. The site automatically puts a space in between the paragraphs, so you do not need to add them manually. All in all, I REALLY want to know what's going to happen next. I like stories told from the perspectives of young boys. I really hope this helps! Happy writing!

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Intriguing beginning

Not much is handed to the reader in this chapter, but I'm definitely intrigued. The writing was very surreal, and I think that you did a good job setting her dream-like surroundings. I liked the mention of the flower petals tickling her feet. I found it interesting that the girl was almost able to read the dragon's mind. I'm wondering about this special ability and if this is rare in the world she lives in. You have a lot of potential here to go in many different directions. You ended it in such a way that I wanted to know what would happen next. The writing style was clean and evocative. The only thing I would say is that you should cut the rhetorical questions in the first two paragraphs. They seemed unnecessary and a little clunky. All in all, this is a great start, and I'm curious to see where it goes!

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Bizarre, sweet story

I just finished what you have posted and very much enjoyed it! I never read the blurbs because I almost feel that they spoil the story, so this definitely wasn't what I expected. It was a really bizarre plot, with the man who is desperate for a wife and the woman that seems pretty cool with everything that's going on. I almost had to laugh at what was going on. Lucy was so chill about everything, even with a gun pointing at her head. It was really fun to read, and I'm hoping that there's more to come. I enjoyed Tyler and Lucy's interaction, and I thought it was nice that he was so sweet to her. I didn't really understand what he expected her to tell him - in order to let her walls down - since they don't know each other yet. He seems very pushy about getting his own way, but I think that's an interesting aspect of his character. I'm curious to learn more about them. I liked how Chase and Shay gave a sort of foil to their blossoming relationship. Devan was also an interesting character. I would be curious to know how he and Tyler are connected and more about what he does. The plot is very simple so far, but I liked that you created some mystery in your writing. I was really curious to find out why he needed a wife so badly and why Lucy was okay with it. It would be interesting to see these expanded on, but I thought you did a good job of explaining. The setting was clear and concise. I would enjoy getting to see what the characters look like, but you did a good enough job with their actions that I don't think it's necessary if you don't want to. I only marked down the story for grammar. The main issue I found - although I spotted a couple typos while i was reading - was with the dialogue tags. I believe the rule is that when you use a tag like "he said" "she says", you use a comma to connect the tag to the dialogue. But when the tag contains an action rather than a "he said" "she said", you use a period and don't connect them like a dialogue tag. Also, I think that you should use something to divide Lucy and Tyler's switches in POV. I use a " *** " but Inkitt has a symbol that you can use that looks really pretty. :-) All in all, this is a very enjoyable story. It is very unexpected. Great work! I hope that more is to come!

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I want more!

Chapters 1-5: I just read the chapters that you have posted so far, and I enjoyed them a lot. The chapters were short and action-packed, making them especially fun to read. I like the cast of characters that you've created, and I think the names are very creative. I really like the name Zero for your protagonist. I'm interested in knowing more about him and his father. I'm also excited to learn more about Doctor Terror. The name sounds kind of cliched to me, but I can't make any judgement calls on that until we see him in the story. I like the idea of an insane antagonist. The concept of the virus is very intriguing. When I think of a virus, I think of something that you can't see and that causes sickness, so this is a very different take, making a virus an actual monster. It reminds me of the WAU creatures on a video game called Soma. They weren't viruses, but they were basically a manifestation of a computer program, so it's kind of a similar concept. I'm not sure I can picture what a virus would look like as a monster, so I'd like to see some more description in this. :-) I marked it down because there were technical issues with the grammar and areas where words were missing. It needs cleaned up a little bit, but this has a lot of potential. I'm looking forward to seeing if more chapters come out. Great work!

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Beautiful writing

So, it's getting late, and I only had time to read the first two chapters in this sitting, but I really enjoyed what I read. The writing was beautiful and drew me in from the start. I was amazed at some of the word-play embedded into this story. It seemed really beautiful and polished. The story also has me intrigued. I really enjoyed the interaction between the elderly couple, and the short conversation with the two little kids was pretty sweet. I was also very intrigued by Jince's situation, and I thought it was strange that the doctor would offer her a place. I'm very curious what will happen next. So good work there! There were a few things that threw me off a little. In the first chapter, I got confused when you switched from telling about the elderly couple to telling about the two kids. I wasn't sure if you were switching perspectives or even if the two scenes were happening at the same time. Maybe try to tie them together a little more? Also, there were some misspellings that threw me off. I can't remember all the words that I noticed, but one was the spelling of "tyre" intstead of "tire." There were more in the first chapter. Anyway, all in all, this is a great start, and I'm definitely intrigued. Great work!

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Fun but a little cheesy.

I read to episode three, and I was definitely intrigued, but it's kind of going the way I expected it to, with the boy stumbling across the guitar and the enigmatic Mr. Music, and the mysterious and dangerous young woman. It's pretty predictable thus far. I think the story would be more interesting if you built the characters more from the beginning and made them more unexpected. I like the idea of the hundred years and the chosen warriors and such, but I found the execution kind of cheesy. Also, I have to ask, is this mean to be a movie script? The formatting was a little strange. I didn't change the rating because of it, but I was curious why it was being written differently. If this is a screenplay or a script, you may want to mention that in the teaser so the reader knows what to expect. The writing was good, but there were some typos and grammatical errors that need to be taken care of. All in all, it's a good start, but I did think it was a little stereotypical. I hope this helps. Good work!

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Bizarre but intriguing

Hey there! I just took a look at the first few chapters and I'm interested in seeing where this will go. It was very bizarre. I don't think I've read a story quite like this on the site. It's a brave concept to try to deal with. I think you do a good job of presenting what's going on, the two people sharing the body and the magical elements. I'm not sure what time period you're going for, since with this sort of thing you could lean in just about any direction you wanted. I would say that you may want to try and strengthen the genre, showing the reader whether you're leaning more toward sci-fi, fantasy, present day, or whatever. I liked the descriptions you included, and the dialogue was enjoyable. The reason I stopped was that there were frequent grammatical and wording errors that made it difficult for me to understand. In places, I was getting confused because I wasn't sure what you were trying to say. So maybe try to clean this up a little bit. But this is a great start! I'm interested in seeing where this goes, and it drew me in right away. I hope this helps. Good work!

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Really fun read!

Chapters 1-3: I am really enjoying this so far. I was reading the first few paragraphs doubtfully because I really don't have any interest in circuses, but after that I was enthralled. It was so fun watching your characters interact. You introduce quite a few over the course of these chapters, but you immediately gave me a picture of each one of them. Their dialogue was both entertaining and soul-searching. It was highly amusing to read. I think my favorite part in this was where "Scotty" was talking to Lulu, and he was getting disturbed by the fact that she had her eyes rolled back. Every chapter was hilarious and entertaining, and I'm curious to see where this goes. It was definitely not what I expected after reading the intro. The writing was clear and evocative. I don't really have pictures of the main characters, but you've given me such a good look at who they are that I almost feel like I don't need one. Which is very unusual for me, because I'm usually a very visual person. I don't think I ran into any typos or grammatical errors. This is a very clean draft. All in all, this is a great start! I can't wait to see what happens next!

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Wonderfully imaginative

I just started reading this story, and I absolutely love it so far! It's so unique to anything else that I've found on this site! I love your idea of the "Shepherds" and the "Sheep" with the wings and the "Master". I'm super curious as to why things are the way they are and what will happen next. I loved the way you set up the situation in the first scene, with the dance, the Shepherds making advancements, and the strange boy with the gorgeous wings. Everything flowed so naturally. Your word choice was fantastic, and I loved some of the imagery that you used. I never found myself confused, and I always had a clear picture of what was going on. The writing itself is very clean, and I don't think I ran into a single typo. All in all, this is an amazing start! I can't wait to see where this goes, and I hope it does well in the contest! Great work!

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Neat story

I just looked at the beginning of your story, and I like it so far. I'm not sure that it's really my cup of tea, but I figured I would try to give you some feedback. The story is very interesting, with what I assume to be two war veterans talking about their experiences. The imagery in this is very vivid and evocative. I liked the way you handled the PTSD involved and his attitude toward his therapist. The story he tells is appropriately gruesome and well-handled. It was powerful without being gory. I thought your use of the voice in his head was very interesting. It made him seem more disconnected from the situation, like he was on autopilot or trying to help someone else through it. Your description of his feelings was really good. I thought that adding in the picture of Chappie's family was a stellar - and sad - touch. The writing was good but needs to be cleaned up. I ran across numerous grammatical errors and typos. I did enjoy reading this. I hope that it does well in the contest! Good work!

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Fascinating

Chapter One: Not much is happening in this chapter, but I was absolutely fascinated by the depth of your character development. I love how you just sat there with the reader and explored Eddward. Usually, that sort of thing gets boring very fast, but this was actually really cool! He's so unique and different from most male main characters that you would expect! The plot is unclear right now, but you've got a great main character to start out with. The writing style was simple but evocative. I ran into numerous typos and grammatical errors. You may want to try to clean it up a little, just to give the reader a more seamless ride. All in all, this is a good first chapter, and I'm interested in seeing where this goes. Good work!

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Wonderful start!

I absolutely love this so far! Your character development is very thorough, and I love the way you work the character's old lives into the story. The instances and examples you give from their past lives are very creative. I like your take on the post-apocalyptic scenario with the gang twist, and I like the characters you've set up thus far. The names are also very interesting. Your writing is very descriptive and evocative. I immediately had a picture of the setting and of the mutants in my mind. I didn't notice any typos or errors, so it looks very clean. You've obviously put a lot of time and thought into this. Great work! I hope this does well in the contest!

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Good voice but hard to read

I just looked at the first chapter and stopped because the writing is a little hard to get through. In the technical sense, it really needs cleaned up. I liked the voice that you tried for. If you clean this up, you'll have something. I thought you did a good job of drawing the reader in and setting up conflict in the protagonist's life. Although, I thought the self-harm thing was a little too blatant - I would make that theme a little more subtle, or at least introduce it later. I enjoyed the dialogue, and the characters seemed interesting. But this does need work. I'm curious to see where this will good. Good job. :-)

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I love this story!!!

*******Chapters 1-3: I just started reading the first three chapters, and I absolutely love this so far! This is definitely going on my reading list. The writing is very professional and clean. I only ran into a few errors here and there. I absolutely love the way that you're building your characters. There's a great deal of showing rather than telling. The dialogue is really good, but I love your inner dialogue too. Usually it's hard to get into the heads of characters when you're using third person, but you do it very naturally. I am not sure where the story is going so far, but I can't wait to find out! I'm curious as to why Marcus is hiding in the Doctor's office. It was very interesting listening to his rather unstable-sounding thoughts. I also really enjoyed the scene with the Doctor. He seems like an interesting character, and I think that the whole talking to himself thing is a neat touch. I hope that he can help poor Molly. :-) All in all, this is an amazing start, and I definitely think I will continue with this. I hope this does super well in the contest, because this deserves lots of readers. Magnificent work! ***********Chapters 4-7: I just took a look at these chapters, and I'm loving them just as much as the others. I love the way that you're taking your time in building the story and the characters. It always leaves me wanting more. I did into some typos in here, and, in chapters four and five, there were a few areas where I got a little confused. I kept getting mixed up as to who was who, with Sam and Scotty. Other than that, I didn't have any trouble. Holly's situation makes me really sad, but I found the doctor's observations very interesting to ponder. I can't wait to see what happens next!

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Very intriguing

This was very interesting. After reading your preface, I decided that I wasn't going to read a whole lot of this story, but I wanted to try to give you some feedback on the first chapters. I really liked what I read. First of all, the quote that you put in the first chapter was really good! It was ominous and fitting for the story. Then, I really enjoyed the scene in the desert with the man and his family. You did a great job of setting the situation, and I was so sad when I realized that his kids had died. And then realizing that he was chained up...that was a good moment. I kind of wish that you would have expanded that part. I was curious to know what the place he was being kept in looked like, how he felt after the ordeal, if he wondered what had happened to his wife. That sort of thing. You could have poured some more emotion into that scene. After that, it was a little slow moving. I liked that you took the time to real flesh out your setting. You might have been able to do that through the eyes of a character to make it more interesting. I don't know exactly where the plot is going yet, but I'm thinking that maybe you could have worked that information in elsewhere? Like you could have interlaced it into the scene with Neil and into later scenes? I also really liked the scene with Neil. It was really well written and you did an amazing job of showing rather than telling. You do a great job of sinking your hooks into the reader and making them want to know more! This was really good so far. I like that you chose to use shorter chapters. It's very refreshing and gives the story a nice, snappy pace. The writing was simple yet descriptive. Great work! I would definitely read more by this author!

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Cool story, but needs some work

I just took a look at your story, and I was definitely intrigued. I really liked your writing style in the prologue. It had a lot of draw to it that had me hooked right away. Your take on the apocalyptic future with the "beast" and the "falling" was very interesting. I also think it's cool that you chose to tell the story like the reader is looking through a journal. That's often hard to do, but I think you made it work. The writing itself was a little sloppy. For the most part, your sentences made sense to me, but there were a lot of grammatical errors and places where you used the wrong word. For example, in many instances you used the word "are" instead of "our". So your plot and the writing style you used was great, I just think that you need to try to clean it up a little bit. It was a very good start! I was pulled in right away. Great work!

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Yikes!

Okay, so I just read the first chapter, and I don't think I'll read any more because the content is a little too dark for me, but I really like what you have going so far. I thought that the chapter was brilliant and gave the reader a very clear look into the world you're creating. I liked that you were vivid without being overly graphic. Your main character was interesting -- rough but not unfeeling. I thought that your dialogue was very natural, and the way you employed the contrasting chanting toward the end of the chapter was well done. I didn't notice any flaws in the writing, but this may have just been because I was drawn in to what was happening. You did a great job providing backstory on why the world is the way it is without making a huge info-dump. It left me curious to know more. Great work!

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Wow!

Chapters 1-3: This is great! I usually don't like these "new girl at school" stories, but I'm actually intrigued by this one. I love the way that you're building up the mystery of the girl's past with her father in prison and her aunt Helen. You did an excellent job of setting up amusing high school characters. I enjoyed your descriptions. Even the way that they moved and talked conveyed details about them. I'm not sure where the plot is going yet, but I'm definitely interested. I'd like to know more about the new town that she's living in, but I'm sure that's coming later. There were frequent typos and grammatical errors, but those could easily be spotted and solved with a read-through and a red pen. All in all, this is a great start! I would definitely continue reading this!

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Neat short story!

This was great. I loved the idea of the man that lost his friends to war and then later heard the strange, scuffling sounds that haunted him. I also liked that he later discovered that these sounds were really a comfort rather than a menace. I was expecting things to go horribly wrong, but I'm glad that you didn't. You did a great job of building a relatable protagonist in such a short period of time, and I thought that you also did a good job of setting up the time period, from the setting to the ideals of the protagonist. It was a nice, patriotic, comforting read. The writing itself was clean, and I don't think I ran into any errors. That may have been because I was pulled into the story, of course. :-) Great work! I'd definitely read more by this author!

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Good start!

Chapter one: I just read the first chapter and really enjoyed it. It pulls you in right away. The dialogue between the characters felt very natural and amusing. I'm curious to learn more about these characters, what they look like, and who they are. Skylar seems very three-dimensional, and I find his take on what happened to him very interesting. I think that the interview was well-handled and interesting. It was really like listening to one of those silly talk shows! I would have liked to have seen some more setting and description in the writing -- just because I'm kind of a junky for that -- but there's plenty of time for that in later chapters. All in all, it's a very good start, and I'm curious to see what happens next. Good work! If I can, I think I'll try to continue with this. I hope this does well in the contest!

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This is amazing!!!

I have to say, I really loved this story. I was sucked in from the very beginning. The protagonist's situation really spoke to me, and I felt so bad for him. I loved his internal dialogue and the way that you conveyed his feelings. This world, with its ideals and flaws, is so unjust and terrible sometimes. I really wanted things to work out for him. I liked that you were able to convey his situation to the reader without making it overly piteous. The fact that he seemed sort of disconnected from what was happening made it somehow more sad. I loved that the little people saved him and that the old lady turned out to be nice. The writing in this was great and very tight. I thought that you did a good job of making the tyrant-creature frightening. The one thing I didn't understand was why the recitation didn't work the first time? Maybe I misread something, but I didn't see any difference. The ending was very sad, and I'm eager to find out what will happen next. I found myself really caring about that boy, and I'm glad that he's still in one piece. XD. Great work!

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Really nice writing!

I just looked at the first couple chapters, and this was really pleasant to read thus far. The writing was smooth and clear and descriptive. I liked the voice that you used in your writing. There was a lot of good imagery mixed in. It was very polished compared to a lot of work that I've seen on here. I really liked your description of the little man in the first chapter....and how he took a slightly ominous turn as the scene progressed. I thought that you did a great job of setting your scenes and showing rather than telling. I was a little confused in some places as to what was going on - like why the man was being so pushy and how the bizarre nightmare tied in - so there might need to be a little more clarification. Then again, it's possible that I just haven't read enough yet. :-). Thus far, I'm sensing a bit of a feminist undertone, and I like that it's kind of quiet and toned down but there nonetheless. I like your main character so far and don't think that I'll have any trouble rooting for her. All in all, it's a good start. Great work! XD

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Yikes!

This was truly terrifying! The ending of this story gave me chills. Like "DUDE, DON'T GET IN THE CHAIR!!!" It was a little slow, but it drew me in and kept me hooked the whole time. The idea of the mysterious phone calls and the strange video game was really interesting. I don't think I've encountered a concept like this. It worked really well, providing just enough information for things to make sense but also holding things back so that it had a feeling of mystery. Really well done! I wanted to know more about the protagonist. I wasn't sure if it was a he or a she. At first, I thought it was a girl, but then toward the middle I started to think that it was a guy. So a little clarification there would be nice. Also, there were a few areas where the dialogue confused me. The dialogue was really well done, but a few times I wasn't sure who was talking. Your description of the strange room with the chained up man was chilling and added a good sense of dread to what was happening.I'm always amazed to see how many stories you've written! Great work!

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Interesting concept

I just read from the intro to part three, and I was intrigued from the beginning. I like the concept that you've put into play, and I'm curious as to where the story will lead. I wanted to see some more description in the writing. In a world where there are supernatural elements, I think that setting and character description is critical. It would be super cool to see what the Green Hand looks like, and what the souls look like, and what Kitty looks like. I was also wondering what time this story is set in. It seemed to be a medieval/fantasy thing, but I wasn't quite sure. The writing was good for the most part, although there were more typos and grammatical errors the farther along it went. Overall, this is a great start! A little added depth would make it even better. I hope you continue with this. Great work! :-)

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Whoa!

I was not prepared for this. This was really scary! You did an amazing job of building the suspense gradually. I really liked the prologue, where the boys were taunting Tim into going to that cabin. It was done so naturally, yet it had such a great creepy factor. Especially with that sadistic kid, Del. XD I'm eager to find out what will happen next. I found myself really caring about the protagonist, and I loved his voice in the text. The writing was clean, and I enjoyed the dialogue a lot. All in all, it's great so far! Good work!

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Break-neck pace and beautiful themes

I finally read through the whole story and loved every bit of it. Most stories aren't bold enough to take on innocent themes like dreaming, but this one does a great job dealing with that concept. Dreams are really a beautiful thing. I liked the idea of the totalitarian government that banned dreaming and creativity, and it provided the base for an interesting story. It was interesting to see other themes such as love and passivity vs. violence shining through. These themes were very affecting to me. While reading it, I attended a miniature Irish concert at the theater where I live, and, while I was listening, I wondered what it would be like if this was an illegal activity. If I was a rebel that dared to dream. The plot was a little jumbled at times, but I was always excited to see what would happen next. The characters in this story were also very enjoyable. Some of them needed further development, but I particularly liked the main character and her "brother", Ambert. It was very gratifying to see their development throughout the story. There were a lot of excess characters in this book that could have been cut without losing anything, but I really liked the central cast. My main critique has to do with the language itself. It had some consistent grammatical errors that could be improved. But I really loved this story and would definitely recommend it to any other "dreamers" out there. Great work, girl!

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Great imagery

I really like this story so far! I just read the first bit, but I hope to read more when I get a chance. Your writing is so clear and evocative. It was really just fascinating watching your characters interact and think. I love that you left me wondering but still gave me enough information to be pulled into the story. I am really interested in knowing more about this world that you are creating. The writing itself was tight and concise without being overly flowery. I can't wait to see where it's going. I think that the only part I was uncertain about was the list of gods in the first chapter. It is fine, I just tend to think that when I glance over a story, a list at the beginning sort of turns me off to it. Either way, this is a great story so far. Good work!

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Intriguing beginning

I really like what you have going so far. Not a lot is handed to us plot-wise, but it does leave the reader curious. I like the idea of the lost love that comes back to visit like a ghost. It was very short, so there wasn't a lot in the way of character. I think that the thing that struck me most about this story was the language. It was so elegant and visual and polished. It feels like you took a lot of time to perfect it and to paint a picture in the reader's head, and not a lot of people do that. I didn't notice anything clunky. And I think that it was your writing style that brought soooo much emotion into this little piece. You have mad skills. ;-) Great work! I can't wait to see where this goes!

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Great story!

I had glanced over this a few times and not really been interested because of the information dump right at the top, but this time I actually read past that into the story and was completely sucked in. This is a great story so far. I love the characters that you are building, between your female protagonist with the broken past, the love-struck military leader, and even the abusive orc. I want to see where this goes next! Not much is revealed plot-wise at the very beginning, except that war may be coming, but I think that the writing and the characters make up for that. I'm curious to know why people would want to sabotage the protagonist's work -- charcoal in the wax, etc. The writing itself was good -- it felt very polished -- but I felt like there could have been more showing and less telling. Don't tell us a character is excited, show us their hands knotting together with anticipation. Don't tell us it's a sunny day, show us the sunlight reflecting off the polished windows. In some places, your imagery is absolutely amazing, in others it's a little vague. Also, I'm not sure that the information dump is necessary. That may be information that is vital to your story, but I almost feel like you should mix it in elsewhere because when you put it all right at the beginning, it's kind of hard to get through. Your story has so much draw once the reader gets past that. I hope that this helps. I'm putting this into my reading list so I can read more. Great work!

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Intriguing

I like where you are going with this so far. I read the first bit of the story, and while I was confused as to what was going on, I did find it intriguing. It had me wanting to know what was going to happen next. I'm not sure if the beginning was meant to be vague or not -- perhaps a draw to the following chapters -- because not a long was explained about what was really happening in the story. I think that the emotion and dialogue was well done. This felt very reminiscent of anime. I think that this story needs some proofreading though, because there were a lot of sentences that were clunky or just had a lot of fluff that could be cut. Tightening in the sentences would bring this story forward leaps and bounds I think. Great work so far. I'm excited to see where this goes. Hope this helps. ^^

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Fun read!

I read the first part of this story and really enjoyed it. The atmosphere and setting for this story is really great -- it leaves the reader wanting more and keeps you intrigued. I really like your portrayal of the main character and how they react to everything around them. I am looking forward to seeing what happens next. I loved the writing style except in the prologue. On one hand, it came across as being from the perspective of a child, which is good, but it was very vague. It didn't employ the senses. I think that if you added more to the prologue so that the reader could really FEEL what's going on, it would help a lot. The prologue is vital because it'll be the first thing your reader sees, so you'll want it to have lots of draw. Other than that, I really like it so far. Great work! And good luck in the contest!

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Interesting, but unclear at times

This was a very clever read. I read the first half and enjoyed it quite a bit. Not a lot is given to the reader from the beginning about why the world has become such a dark place and what has happened to the population, but I think that all that makes it intriguing. The setting was very well done, and I love the characters that you have, especially your protagonist. His way of being both cocky and calculation at the same time added new layers to the story. I want to know what happens next and who those strangers really were! I really enjoyed his struggle to protect his siblings even while he was injured. That said, I had some trouble with the writing itself in this story. In places, it was very evocative and skillful, but in other places I found it unclear. I had to read over different spots several times to try to figure out what was going on. The transition between Donnie being attacked and dragged off to suddenly being with his siblings was confusing, and so was the place where there was suddenly a "predator?" coming at him. It felt like in those places, there needed to be less flowery writing and more just telling what was going on. I think that more clarity would add to the reader's experience. I hope that this helps. I really like this story so far, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Keep writing!

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Great beginning

I read the first bit of this story and thought I'd review it while it's still fresh on my mind. I really enjoyed the first chapter from beginning to end. The idea of the slaughter in the night and Rosalia's loss was very interesting. I like how she took things over and became the strong female character that many fantasy stories lack. The plot is very intriguing, but I would have liked to see you explore the happenings of that night in more depth. I think that you could have played up on the description of the room before the murder and then the struggle between her and the assassin. I think that the loss of her innocence might be more affecting if there is more of a fight. If we see her anger and fear and see her struggling for her life and for vengeance over the death of her crow. I am very hooked on imagery, so it would be more powerful to me if the reader could really SEE it rather than having it told to them. The writing itself was generally good, although it confused me toward the beginning. It left me wanting more, so that's always a good sign. I really like where this is going. I think that this could be a really enthralling story if you gave it just a little more. Great work! I hope that this does well in the contest!

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Intriguing story, but hard to read

I just read the first part of this story and thought I would review it now. I had mixed feelings about this story. It has a lot of potential, and the beginning had me really intrigued. I wanted to know more about Molly and her struggles. But it was a bit hard to get through. The writing itself made me think of a stream of consciousness type thing, because in a lot of places the sentences blurred together, and there was little to no punctuation. I think that if you worked on the presentation a bit, it would make the story clearer and more legible. Also, would take the bold font off the writing -- it's a little distracting. I hope that this helps. I think that with a bit of work, this could be a great story. Keep writing!

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Nice pacing

I've just read the first chapter so far, and I really enjoyed this. On the surface, the characters are what might be expected. The free-spirited daughter, the vain, cruel stepmother, the drunk of a father. However, I like how this explores those clichés and brings new life to them. There was a lot going on in the first chapter, and it was very fast-moving, which I definitely like. The thriller style writing with the old Victorian style setting is very unique and interesting. My only complaint is that I think that the setting and feel suffers from the break-neck pace. The reader doesn't get much of a sense of time or place, and it lacks atmosphere, so I think that some more description intermingled through the writing would help quite a bit. Also, there were a few areas when one of the characters was speaking and you forgot the last quotation mark, so the dialogue blended with the following action. Other than that, this is great work. I want to know what happens next! Great work! :-)

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Amazing

Okay, I enjoyed your first story, but I liked this one even more. The young boy with the bad reputation and the broken family, his feelings about the situation, it all feels so real and heart-wrenching. I love his reactions to the things around him -- his cynicism makes him all the more likeable for me. I thought that the argument between Sky and his mother was very well done. I felt myself very drawn into this story. And that ending! It really leaves the reader wanting to know what is going to happen next. I can't wait for more of this story to come out. I thought that the description of Jay's fear as he realized he was being followed (the blood rigid in his veins, the hammering heart, etc) was very evocative. This is a great piece of work. I enjoyed the writing itself, but I felt that in places it was little over the top, especially toward the beginning. It almost felt like you were trying to hard, and it made the language a little clunky. I think that more short sentences mixed with the long ones would help the rhythm. Also, toward the end, there were a LOT of rhetorical questions. I feel like they served a purpose at times, but other times it just felt like filler. Anyway, great work! Please let me know when and if you post more of this story.

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Intriguing

I have to say, I liked this story from square one. The genius boy with his crushed dream, the bullies and friends at school, the mysterious woman at the end. It all wove together in a way that was both believable and fantastical. It felt very real. I thought that your dialogue was very good, not forced or awkward. It leaves the reader wanting more. There were some typoes through the story that were a little distracting, but another read-through should take care of those. I thought I saw you saying something about not liking your writing style on a post, but I thought that it was great for this story! My only critique would be to add more description and feeling to the part where the woman, Carlos, and Adam are soaring up into the air -- that part felt a little vague and rushed. I can't wait to read more of this. Great work!

UPDATE: I really like the changes you made here. You eliminated a lot of the typoes (although there are still a couple), and it was a lot smoother. And I thought that your description of the characters flying was a lot better. It made it feel much more real. Great job!

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Great story!

Wow, this really left me hanging! I want to know what happens next! The writing in this was really great, especially toward the beginning. That first description you give us is just great. Although we are only acquainted with them for a little while, your characters feel very real and tangible. The interactions between grandmother and granddaughter was very good, and I want to know if the grandmother survived the ordeal! I liked the idea of the crow and the strange incantations. Your ending was very abrupt and it leaves the reader desperate to know what happens next. My only complaint would be that I wanted more description during the part where they are flying. It was dealt with very casually, so I didn't really have a picture in my mind. It might have been an opportunity to explore the setting of the story a little more. Anyway, great work! Let me know when and if you post more of this story, because that cliff-hanger is killing me!

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Really cool

I loved every line of this story, from beginning to end. It has a very natural, smooth, flowing feel, and I love the voice that you employ. The idea of the surgery and the gruesomeness of it was very unexpected and well done. It made me think of things differently, and I love writing that explores new sides of things. The last sentence was just perfect to wrap it up. Most stories this short don't feel like they go anywhere, but I think this one does. Great story! I love your writing!

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Slow but intriguing beginning

Chapter one: I had mixed feelings about this story. I liked the plot itself, with the death of Alina's mother and her over-protective father, and I thought that the dream sequence was very intriguing. It has me wanting to know what happens next. But I think that the writing style could use some work. There were typos and places where you used the wrong word. Also, I feel like this has a lot of potential to be a very powerful story. The way you have it now is sort of a narration -- that works, but it often keeps the reader distant from the character. I think that if you put us into the character's head more (whether through showing more and telling less or switching to first person, your pick) it would make this story more powerful and hit the reader harder. This is a good beginning, I just would like to see you do more with it. Good work! I can't wait to see what happens next! Keep writing. :)

Chapter two: Lots of intrigue in this chapter too. I like that you're beginning to set up the greater plotline here. I was surprised about the lady and the boy turning out to be ghosts (or dead). I wondered why Alina wasn't more skeptical about the whole thing, and why she was willing to follow a strange boy to a "quiet place". But perhaps that's because you're expressing her as a naïve character? All in all, another enjoyable chapter. Great work!

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Neat fanfiction

Although I do not know what this is based off of, I enjoyed this quite a bit. I felt like it was a very powerful story, and I liked the way that you conveyed the relationship between Jace and Clary. I was really worried about him losing her, so you did a great job engaging me as a reader. The beginning had a good draw to it. I would have liked to know more about what attacked them and why, but perhaps if I knew the fandom I would better understand. Also, I have a thing for fight scenes, so I think that it would add some entertainment if you would have described the fight a little more. I also really liked the interaction toward the end between Alec and Jace. It was believable. There were some grammatical errors and places where you used the wrong word, but it wasn't very distracting. Great work! I'd love to read more by this author! :)

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A Jedi tale

I have to admit, I'm not really one for Star Wars, but I did enjoy this. The dialogue was excellent, and I like the intrigue that you developed, especially toward the end. This story has real potential, and I'd like to see what the Padawan does to get out of the situation. The reason I marked this down was because of the lack of description. To me, Star Wars is about all the stark colors, different worlds, and strange characters. I think that if you deployed more of that into your story, it would really empower it. Use every possible tool you can to draw the reader in and keep them there to the very end. Very well done! I hope that this does well in the contest! :)

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A tragic tale

Most of the time, I don't like stories that don't have specific dialogue, but you pulled it off masterfully in this story. The writing was powerful and the story even more so. Despite his arrogance and perhaps vanity, I sympathized with the main character and his plights. It hurts to fall from such a high plane. And I like how you tied it all right back to that specially, sun-shaped mirror. I also enjoyed the setting and the incorporation of the movies and Hollywood. It made it even more interesting and gave it a grounded setting. Very cool story. Well done! I love your writing.

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Great beginning

I loved the way this story drew me in so quickly. From the very start, I wanted to know what was happening and what was going to happen. Your characters were well done and enjoyable. I wasn't expecting the niece to be so rude, but I think it shed more light on Max's character. The plotline itself was interesting, with Max and his super-strength, and I liked the way that that curiosity manifested itself in the story. The writing was simple and descriptive, but at times I felt like you were telling the reader too much. Over-stating the obvious, I suppose. I've read an equation that went like this: First draft - 10% = Second draft. I think that if you cut the fluff from this story, it would really empower it. Also, I thought that the constant jumping back and forth between past and present and changing perspectives didn't really work. A little is okay, but, at least in the first chapter, it felt like you switched almost half a dozen times. I'm not sure what a fix for that would be, but I personally thought that it was a little hard to follow. Other than that, it was a really great story, and I would definitely read more of it. Very good work. Keep writing!

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Layered and tangled

This was a really cool story because every time I thought I understood what was going on, you layered more on. Between the backstory with her mother and the handsome stranger, plus the added heartbreak with Aaron and the mention of magic, you've got a real interesting beginning. I've only read the first couple chapters, but I am very intrigued. You have created a tangled storyline befitting the name, because I definitely feel like I've waltzed "into the briars". The characters are very 3D, and the love interest -- bad boy on the outside, Scottish softy on the inside -- was a fun addition to the cast. I marked this story down in a technical sense, so the problems I noticed should be easy to fix. Firstly, I personally didn't really like the amount of swearing. I realize that swearing is something that you can use to convey character -- and in some situations characters are going to swear, good or bad -- but it was used so much that it just felt unnecessary and made the writing feel cluttered. There was also, mostly toward the beginning, a lot of adverbs that made the writing sort of clunky. Besides that, it was just some grammatical errors that distracted from the writing. Very well done! This story kind of reminds me of Caitlyn E Jones' story, "Chimehour". I would definitely read more of this. Very well done! :D

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A cute story

I thought this was a very fun short story. The idea of the dragon and the man that encouraged him to explore the outside world, the conveyance of feeling. And that last line was great! I loved the creativity that you employed into this piece. I thought that this could have been stronger toward the beginning -- perhaps through a stronger description of the oppression that dragon suffered or through something a little more hands-on for the reader. I was a little confused at first. I also wondered why the man was called Monster Mozart. Was he actually a monster or was it something else? I think the layers was what really made this story. A few technical fixes could really make this shine. Hope this helps. Great work! :)

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Neat beginning

I just read the first chapter and part of the second and thought I'd review it while it's fresh on my mind. I really like what you have going so far. Your characters are intriguing and well-developed so far. I like the attitude of Promise...and I can't wait for her to fall from that prideful plane. The way you build her relationship with her betrothed creates a good tension in the story and gives the characters more layers. The writing itself was very simple and could use a little work in places, but I thought that the way you introduced the social structure in the first chapter was really masterful. I don't feel like you did an information dump but it tells the readers what they need to know. That's a tricky thing to pull off. Good job there. I am really enjoying what you've got going plot-wise with the idea of the Powers. I want to read more so that I know what happens next. I was a little confused as to the setting of this story. The first chapter made me think that it was a fantasy/medieval sort of setting, but the second seemed like it was more of a dystopian sort of thing. A little more clarification there - perhaps a bit of background as to where the Powers came from - would help. Then again, maybe that's coming later. This is a very good beginning. I am really liking this story so far. Well done! Keep writing! :)

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Very enjoyable

I liked this story a lot. I thought that for the most part it stayed true to the feel of Harry Potter. It was very funny, and I liked the whole interaction. I was a little confused though. From what I understand, this is some sort of alternate story where Lily and James are still alive while Harry is a boy? The setting and time could use some clarification. I also wanted to point out that at one point Malfoy says, "Breakfast please," to Dobby. It didn't sound in character for him, especially since he's not treating Dobby well later.

The scene with them coloring the pictures was very funny. And Harry saying, “Whoa, my name's nine syllables now!” had me busting up. The humor element was very well done. It came to a bit of a rocky stop, only because it didn't seem to stand alone and I wasn't sure whether or not there was more.

I enjoyed it a lot! It was very well done. I hope that this helps. :-)

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Really neat story

I thought that this was a very interesting beginning. We see the character begin to develop, and then you end with a line that leaves the reader wanting more. I found it very engaging. While it had a few technical issues, I feel like this story has a real heart to it. You can tell when the writer pours his or her self into their project, and I can tell that's what you did with this story. It's the heart and feeling of a story that really matters, and I think you have something that could be really powerful. Very cool story! I can't wait to see what happens next!

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Phantom of the Opera Fanfiction

Although I don't know the story of the Phantom of the Opera, I really enjoyed this story. The writing was very evocative, and it really put a picture of time and setting in my mind. The voice of the story really added to the character development. The idea of the time travelling -- or whatever really happened to her -- is a typical storyline, but it works very well because you approach it in a fresh way. I have only read the first two chapters, but it has really drawn me in. I'm interested to see what happens next, especially since she's working in the theater now. I've also decided that I have to go see the Phantom of the Opera movie so I know more about what exactly is going on. My favorite part of your writing is the word-crafting itself. It was so smooth and interesting. Very well done!

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Before 24

I read the first chapter and am really enjoying it so far. I never thought about what Jack was like in his younger years, so I found it quite interesting. I never pictured him as being hot-headed, but I could see where he might be. The plot line is intriguing, and I'd like to see what happens next. I like the tension of his father pulling him one way and Jack's desires pulling him another way. It brings more layers into the story. Your writing style was quite enjoyable too, but there were a lot of grammatical errors and places where words were missing. Just technical stuff like that. The setting was excellent, and I feel like you know your stuff. I don't know a whole lot about present-day (or close to present-day) Middle East is like, so that made it all the more intriguing to me. I liked this a lot and hope to read more soon. Really good work!

Chapter two: This was just as engaging as the first, and I think that the shorter length worked better. I really like how you portray the bad guys as being human, not evil stereotypes that just walk around going "Fear me! I am evil!" Your writing gives me a real feel for the setting, and I just love that. I'm curious to know what this story is based off of, because it's been very interesting so far. There were still a lot of grammatical errors and missing words, but I don't want to harp on that since I pointed it out before. Great chapter!

Chapter three: You have a way of fleshing out your characters that I just LOVE. It really brings me into the story. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, so it was either much better or I was too engaged to notice. I was a little confused in one of the scenes where it was talking about the Polish man (I can't remember his name) because at first I thought you were talking about the other guy (Rakkash?). That may just be because I'm not used to the names though.

Chapter four: Things are really picking up now! I love the relationship between Jack and the girl, although I can't help but feel that she is either doomed to die or to turn bad. But that might just be my 24 paranoia showing through. That ending had me going "Oh crud!". Great chapter!

Chapter five: This was super exciting! You handle the fight scenes very well and kept me I suspense the entire time. The terrorists were cruel and nasty, and I love that in a bad guy. It really increases the stakes when you know that the badguys aren't messing around. I also loved Jack's ingenuity in this chapter. This is the Jack I know and love. :)

Chapter six: This story is so good. I love the way things are coming. It keeps me guessing and is exciting at every turn. I love how you included the stuff about the Rapture and the Tribulation. It's not in your face, but I think it really adds character (not to mention witness) to the story.

Chapter seven: Very gruesome, but I liked the way it was handled. These guys are awful. I enjoyed the interrogation scene even though I was cringing a little.

Chapter eight: Whoa! This was intense! When I realized that the Israeli leader was leaking, I was going "NO!!!!" It was very unexpected, which made it even more reminiscent of the TV show.

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Stormshadow fanfiction

I have always loved stormshadow, from the old TV show and the new movies. He's always been my favorite, and after seeing the way you've handled his character in the first three chapters, I'm not at all disappointed. Using his disappointment and resentment after taking away his dream is a brilliant way to get the reader's sympathy. His voice in the story, though very simple, is interesting and really gave me a look into his head. I can't tell where the story is going yet, but I am certainly enjoying it so far. I think that my favorite scene out of the first three chapters was his interaction with the female ninja guarding the vase. It was very unexpected, and I just love that. The reason that I marked this story down was because there is a devastating lack of description of any kind. After three chapters, I still have no picture in my mind of time, setting, or any of the characters. The protagonist's own past is still unclear. I think that if you delved deeper into the setting, it would illuminate the story a lot, and description also does a lot for character development. I LOVE ninjas. Always have. I'd like to know more about what their clan is like, how life is, where they live, what they live in. That sort of thing. It would really add to the story. Either way, I enjoyed this a lot and would definitely read more. It's very enjoyable and well done. I hope that you do well in the contest and get lots of readers. Great work!

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Purge: Corruption Dies

I read the first chapter of this story and enjoyed it very much. The beginning was enthralling and drew me in immediately. Throughout the story, with only a few exceptions, I was always unsure of what would happen next. It was very unexpected, and I just love that. The story itself was interesting, and liked the idea of the Chimera. It was a fresh look at an old monster. Your characters were also very entertaining, especially Dai, who I'm guessing you had a lot of fun writing about. I marked it down because there were quite a lot of grammatical errors that distracted from your writing. Also, whenever you described a character or a creature, you did a lot of telling rather than showing, and the descriptions were a bit stereotypical. For example, instead of saying that the Chimera had a muscular chest (or something to that effect) you could say something along the lines of "Black goo (or sweat, etc) ran down the creases in the creature's muscular chest". I think that that would liven up your writing. The weapons that Dai uses is super clever, and I thought that his interaction with Stephanie at the end was very funny. There was one thing that confused me though. How on earth did Dai survive a 75-foot-drop without dying or being severely injured? Was it because of Stephanie? A little clarification would help in that arena. This really was an enjoyable story! I would read more of it. I hope that this helps. Good work!

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Beautiful

I love this poetry. Its flow and smoothness and fluidity paints a fantastic picture in my mind. I ended up reading it several times just because I was so beautiful. I loved the different depictions and meaning included in this. It really made me think, and that, to me at least, is a sign of great writing. I really enjoy your writing. Thank you for sharing!

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Great romance!

This was definitely not the normal cheesy story that I picture in my mind when I think of romance. This beginning chapter really had some substance to it, not all the ushy-gushy. I loved it from beginning to end. It kept me engaged, and I loved the interaction between Jess and Thomas as he drove her to the hospital. It was very well done. I can't wait to see what happens next! Please let me know when you post more of this story, because it landed in my favorites reading list. The reason I marked it down was because I feel like I would have liked to see more build-up during the car wreck. It felt a little rushed, and I think that if you slowed it down a little, it would make the story a lot more vivid. Also (and this might not be something you want to change) I thought it was strange that her mother didn't seem very worried when she heard that Jess was in the hospital. My mom would be freaking out. This was a REALLY great beginning though, and I just loved the whole car ride scene. I hope that this helps. Very well done! This story deserves to be read!

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Engaging

I think this is my favorite story by this author. I read the first few chapters, and I found it very interesting. I liked the combination of people and races as a band of unlikely companions go on a quest for their lord. Your characters were very well done; I like the potential of the selfish leader, Drew, and his best friend and brother, Justin. I would have liked to know more about what the other races looked like, but I think your descriptions were well done. I didn't really like the first chapter however, and it's because the beginnings where the author does an information dump about the world (even if it is labelled as a prologue) bores me. This may just be personal preference, but I think that you should kill the prologue and just work the information into the rest of the story. This story was definitely enjoyable though, and I would certainly read more of it. Good work!

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Intriguing but a little dull

I have mixed feelings about this. I read the first chapter, and I definitely enjoyed the second half. The first half didn't really draw me though. The whole dream sequence -- though you made it feel very dream-like -- seemed very distant and inconsequential. And I think that a big part of it was the lack of dialogue. Dialogue in the first half would have helped me to connect more with what was going on. Also, throughout the story, you use the same words repetitively, and it makes it read kind of clunky. The second half -- besides the issue of the wording -- was very enjoyable though. From the point where he woke up, I was completely engaged. And that ending! I stared at my computer screen going, "What? NOOO!" This story has a lot of potential. It just has a few kinks that need to be worked out. I hope that this helps. Good work!

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Wonderful!

I read the prologue, and I enjoyed it a lot. It drew me in, and I can't wait to read more. The plot itself was interesting, and I found myself very attached to your main character with his calm attitude and determination. I think it has a lot of potential, but I noticed a few things that may (and this is just my opinion) be holding it back.

1. I wasn't satisfied with the war just...happening. I think that something that big and devastating should have a clear beginning point. Maybe you will include this later, but from what I could tell, it looked like it was just going to be left that way. And I was curious about why people started getting powers. Was it the result of nuclear weapons? Chemical weapons? Something totally different? Again, this might be answered later, but I feel like the absence of these answers left the prologue a little holey.

2. There were some grammatical issues here and there, but it was very minor. I loved the writing style that you used in this story.

3. I wasn't sure how I felt about you switching between first and third person three times in the chapter. It works, but I think that it would read clearer if it was one or the other.

This was a really great start. You have me excited to know what happens next. I really hope that this helps. Good work!

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Amazing sci-fi!

I can honestly say that I've never read sci-fi quite like this. Looking through the eyes of a "Kniv" pilot was extremely invigorating. My interest is peaked. I loved the main character with his cool, calm attitude throughout it. I read the prologue, and I would definitely read more, because I thought that it was fantastic. I loved the last scene in the prologue and Sani's last words were just PERFECT. This is definitely a contest winner. I marked it down for a couple reasons. First, there were several spelling and grammatical errors that I noticed. Second, I would have liked to know more about the Knivs. I found it very surprising that he could feel pain when it was damaged, and I was curious as to how that worked. I love details. Good work! And good luck in the contest!

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Amazing sci-fi!

I can honestly say that I've never read sci-fi quite like this. Looking through the eyes of a "Kniv" pilot was extremely invigorating. My interest is peaked. I loved the main character with his cool, calm attitude throughout it. I read the prologue, and I would definitely read more, because I thought that it was fantastic. I loved the last scene in the prologue and Sani's last words were just PERFECT. This is definitely a contest winner. I marked it down for a couple reasons. First, there were several spelling and grammatical errors that I noticed. Second, I would have liked to know more about the Knivs. I found it very surprising that he could feel pain when it was damaged, and I was curious as to how that worked. I love details. Good work! And good luck in the contest!

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Amazing sci-fi

I can honestly say that I've never read sci-fi quite like this. Looking through the eyes of a "Kniv" pilot was extremely invigorating. My interest is peaked. I loved the main character with his cool, calm attitude throughout it. I read the prologue, and I would definitely read more, because I thought that it was fantastic. I loved the last scene in the prologue and Sani's last words were just PERFECT. This is definitely a contest winner. I marked it down for a couple reasons. First, there were several spelling and grammatical errors that I noticed. Second, I would have liked to know more about the Knivs. I found it very surprising that he could feel pain when it was damaged, and I was curious as to how that worked. I love details. Good work! And good luck in the contest!

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Great sci-fi

I really enjoyed the last four chapters of this story. The characterization was great, and I loved where you were going with the story, Cate trying to find her brother, the ship that was sending out the distress signal. I especially loved the argument in the sixth chapter. The dialogue was natural and just excellent. However, I found the first two chapters confusing, and I wasn't really sure what Cate was doing. I'm assuming, now, that she did something to get onto the ship where her father was? It just seemed kind of confusing at the time. Also, I'd like to know more about the interior of the ship and what exactly its purpose is. I think that if you added that setting, it would help to strengthen the story and paint a picture in the readers mind. This story has real potential. I hope that this helps. Good work!

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Just plain fun

I could really tell that the author had fun writing this. Although I'm not sure what this is based off of, I really enjoyed it too. You gave me just enough information to understand it, then let the characters carry the rest. The best part of this was the interaction between the two characters and the way that they mixed. I liked that this didn't get disgusting (seriously, thank you for that) and the ending made me giggle. Great work!

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I love this!

This is a great beginning! You have me hooked, and I want to see what happens next. I like the idea of the super soldiers going after III and them needing to bring a civilian into the mix. I want to know how things turn out! I loved it from beginning to end. The part where III was talking to the General over the screen was very well done. The characterization in this story was also excellent. My main complaint in this story (besides the grammatical errors that are in all NaNoWriMo stories) is that sometimes you tell the reader the obvious far too much. For example, you said that the general was becoming infuriated at III's arrogance. Well, from the dialogue we could tell that III was arrogant, and we knew that the General wasn't happy, so that sentence just cluttered it up, if you know what I mean. There were several incidents of that. This is a really good start though. Please let me know when you post more, because I'm hooked now!

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Vivid

The writing in this story was just fantastic. It was descriptive and intoxicating and gave me a very clear picture of the time and setting. I like how it has a kind of old England feel to it....just with magic. I immediately had a sense of the characters that you were presenting, and I loved their interactions. I was especially intrigued by the man in the silver mask. When I got to the end, I was going "NOOOO!" I need to know what happens next! I hope that you will be posting more soon! The plotline was also very interesting, and it took quite the wild turn toward the end.

My only complaint is that there were some grammatical errors scattered throughout the story. Nothing serious though. Also, there were several places where you used the word "It's" when it you have been "Its".

Up to chapter three: I just read more of what you posted, and I enjoyed it a lot. It just seems so unique and fresh, and I love the characters that you have employed. The scene in the sewers where the dead thing came back to life was very well done. Very scary...but very well done. I also very much enjoyed her interaction with the other characters (I'm horrible with names, so I can't remember.) There was still some grammatical errors, but those can be easily fixed. I was a little confused in a few places though. I wasn't sure about the nature of the "attack". Unless I missed something, it didn't seem like an attack but more like a spontaneous fire. And also, I would like some more clarification as to the nature of the magic that Minerva has. I love it because it's unique, but I don't quite understand it, like why couldn't she heal herself in the goblin tunnels and why did she need candles while investigating the "dead" creature. Just a couple things like that. I hope that you will post more soon, because I am REALLY enjoying this story so far. Happy writing! (And I love your name by the way! It's so cool.)

I hope that there is more to come, because I certainly enjoyed this. Great work!

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So sweet!

This was a really great story. I loved the main character with his quirky mannerisms and love for candy. All the characters were well-rounded and three-dimensional, and it's hard to do that in a short story like this. I especially liked the scene where Kensworth (I think that's his name?) was at the candy shop with all the little kids. It was so sweet! The dialogue in this was also really good. It flowed and felt very natural. I had a good feel of time and place from the beginning of this story, and the writing was very simple and descriptive. I loved it from beginning to end, and I really want to know what happens next. This writing is really great. I would definitely read more by this author. Great work!

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Amazing characterization

This was really good! I enjoyed this first chapter so much! I think my favorite part was the interaction between the brothers and the fact that each one of them was memorable. Often times, when you introduce that many characters at once, it becomes confusing, but not with this story. I really enjoyed the sense of tension that you sprinkled throughout it. The setting was great, and you gave me a really clear picture of the time and place. I want to know what happens next! This is going to drive me crazy until the next chapter comes out! You really know your craft. Great job!

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I really liked this

The thing that really struck me in the first chapter is that your character development is really great! I already feel attached to them and invested in them. Even though they have some creepy motives and ideas (taking the skin of a shape changer? Yuck!) I was totally rooting for them. I especially liked the way that you conveyed Micah's character. The plot line is very intriguing. I want to read more! And I loved your writing style. You were very descriptive and laid-back instead of rushing through the story. It was very well done. Great work!

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Cool idea

I read the prologue, and I like what you have going with the basic storyline, but I found it kind of confusing. In the first scene, I wasn't sure if the baby had just been born and if Kate was the mother, and I don't quite understand why and what is coming after the baby. I think that this was kind of rushed. Maybe if it was slowed down with a little more description it would become clearer. Although, maybe you were trying to be vague to intrigue the reader? I liked the basic idea of the story, and it did draw me, I just found it a little clunky in presentation. It definitely has potential though. Good work!

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Exciting

This one really had me on the edge of my seat. I wasn't sure WHAT was going to happen. I loved the idea of the girl sneaking out at night to read the manuscript and of the dragon attack. I want to know what happens next and if she finds the dragon. However, I was extremely confused about the time and setting of this story. I'm assuming it's a fantasy world.....with guns and aircraft? I think that this could use a little clarification. Also, I still don't know what kind of school she is going to or why the manuscript was not allowed. Perhaps this will come later in the story? Either way, I really enjoyed this, and I can't wait for more to come. Good work! And good luck in the contest!

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A very unique tale

This was very interesting. I liked the idea of the glitches and of a character performing a wager and eventually going on to become Death's apprentice. It has an air of mystery about it, and I want to know what happens next. However, there were a lot of grammatical errors that need to be fixed (And that is expected, especially if this is a first draft). Also, I got to the end of the story and realized that I didn't know the name or gender of the protagonist. I'm assuming it was a girl, but the only hint is that the character is crushing on Death. The other thing that confused me was that the protagonist referred to Death as being insane, but I wasn't getting that vibe. I think that if he is truly insane, he needs to be either a little more random in his actions or a lot more creepy. Aside from that, I enjoyed it a lot. It was very intriguing and kept me reading. I thought that the whole thing with the gum was super funny. I hope that this helps. Good work!

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Good fanfic

I personally enjoyed the movie, The Labyrinth, and I thought that you did a really good job playing off the end of that story and creating your own. I read the prologue and the first chapter. I like that you based it from Jareth's perspective, as I always liked him. But I thought that he seemed kind of one-dimensional in this story. I want to see more of him than just his brokenness and his bitterness toward the girl who broke his heart (In the movie, I never understood why he liked her in the first place). It was a good story though. I like where it's going. Well done!

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Really great!

I enjoyed this short story very much! It was unexpected and interesting. You really painted a picture in my mind, not only of the setting and characters but also of the time that this was set in. A lot of times, this gets left out of short stories, so well done! I loved how the girl used a song and how she was able to affect the protagonist in so many different ways. The ending was very well done, leaving the reader with an interesting twist to mull over. I kind of wanted to see the protagonist suffer a little more at the hands of the girl. This might sound creepy, but just like I was able to FEEL his affection toward this girl, I want to be able to FEEL that something isn't wrong and that he's suddenly afraid. I want to feel him dying. Just a thought. I think that if you give it a little more, it will be much more chilling. Either way, good work! I liked this a lot!

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Creepy

For a short story, you sure managed to pack a lot in here, and I definitely admire that. It was very interesting with a chilling ending. Your writing was well done, and I didn't notice any problems. I would have liked to know more about the setting though. I think you mentioned her being apart of a tribe? Like an indian tribe or something totally different? A little clarification would help. Either way, good work! And good luck in the contest!

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Sad and beautiful

Very well done! This story was intriguing and kept me drawn in throughout the entire expanse. I would have liked to know more about what exactly happened to Adam, but I loved the depth of character portrayed in this story. Between Adam's determination and faint pride, it gave this story a whole new layer. I feel like this story SAYS something, whereas a lot of stories don't I wouldn't be surprised if it rises through the ranks. The plot was well done as well, all though I expected that the dinner party wasn't going to be what he thought. I marked it down because some of the sentences could use rewording, but your writing style is great in this story. Just give it a little more. Well done! Good luck in the contest!

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Brilliant!

I love the whole idea of people hunting down magic users and killing them, the secrecy and suspense of it. It was quite exciting. And I liked the interaction between Jack, the Red Witch, and the old lady in the cottage. Both the plot and characters was very well done. I marked it down because in a lot of places you used the wrong word (for example, week instead of weak.) and there were also quite a few grammatical errors. If you go back and fix those, it will look much more professional. Good work!

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This is really great!

I loved this short story, and I wasn't sure how you were going to be able to wrap it up in the end in a satisfying way...but you did! I loved how deeply you delved into the characters and their situations. I was immediately attached to all of them. The element of dark humor in it was extremely well done. I'm totally nitpicking to find areas that need improved. I would have liked a description as to what the Undead looked like. I mean, everyone can kind of guess, but I wanted a little more. Also, I found it strange that Zac was able to crawl "on hands and knees" through his little hidey-hole. I expected him to have to drag himself. But maybe that's just me. Anyway, good work! I enjoyed this a lot!

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Interesting

I was intrigued by the story, but I'm a little confused as to whether or not more is coming. If this is all there is, I think that it needs more, but if it is the beginning of a longer story, it's just where it needs to be. I liked the idea of the relationship and of them having to separate. I didn't like all the sexual stuff though (I skipped over most of it), and I'm not sure that it was necessary. That's your call though. It definitely has a certain amount of intrigue to it, and you had it packed full of emotion, so well done there. I would read more of this story. Good job!

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A good beginning

I always love reading about characters that are on a college campus, and I enjoyed the first two chapters you have posted. I liked the characters that you built and the idea of the girl being in love with her best friend. The writing was simple and well done; I only spotted a couple of errors. I'd like to see you do more with the main character, maybe by showing different aspects of her character, but it's still early. It's a very good beginning, and I would definitely read more. Well done! :D

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Good beginning

Hey Jacky, I just took a look at the first chapter, and I enjoyed it a lot. The history lesson toward the beginning was interesting, and I liked the scene with Rosetta learning magic. There were some grammatical errors and switching in tenses that could be corrected. I was curious, is this a sequel to the second book or is it more of a prequel? Either way, good work! I liked it!

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Yuck!!!

I read the first chapter, and I'm not sure I can handle anymore, but I certainly liked what I read. The idea of the drug, Fortis, was very interesting, and I enjoyed how you conveyed its effects. The beginning is very intriguing. I think I'd like to see you do a little more with the main character toward the beginning besides describing her family situation. It was very well done. Yucky, but well done. Good work!

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Great beginning!!!

I only read the first chapter, but I plan on reading more and updating this review. I loved the intrigue of the main character's supernatural abilities and of this war that is ravaging her land. The whole scene with her taking care of the Watchman was very well done, and I liked that you didn't really beat around the bush with his injuries. Although, I kind of thought it was strange that she just pulled the bolt out and stitched him up. I expected her to clean his injury to make it less likely to become infected. Either way, my interest is peaked. I like this a lot, and I hope that you do end up publishing it. Great work!

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Yikes!

I love that you packed so much in here even though it was a short story. I liked the basic idea of the strange boy and the mysterious killings. That said, I think you could empower this story by drawing it out more and giving us more time to be afraid. I knew right away that the boy was evil, but maybe if they would have conversed for a while or something, it would have added more suspense. I liked that you gave it a chilling ending, but I would have liked to have known more about what the boy was and what he meant by the phrase, "Today you die. Tomorrow you wake." It was well done though, and I think it has a lot of potential. Good work! :D

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Very good

At first, I wasn't sure where you were really going with the story, but I think you brought that first chapter together very well. I love this new twist on fairy tale creatures being in new Rome present day. This caught my interest, and although I guessed from the beginning that the main character was a werewolf, I found it very intriguing. I like the main character, and now he's dying on the floor! I want to know what happens next! Your description of Prince Charming's hideout was very good. The only problem I had with this was the amount of obscenity, but that's just personal preference. Great work! Let me know if you post more of this story!

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A great beginning!

I read the prologue and the first chapter and really enjoyed it. Your description of the characters and their situation was tight and vivid. I've never read something where a character actually talked about a fight, and I thought that you handled it very well. You didn't lose me at all, and I wouldn't hesitate to read more. The only reason that I marked it down was because the rhythm of the writing was a bit clunky in places. Hope this helps. Good work!

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Good description

From the beginning, you gave me a vivid picture, from your description of "Dion" to the portrayal of what had happened to the world. The story has a dark (and obviously apocalyptic) feel that I really like. I'm curious to know more about where the Mana came from and what is going to happen next. Already, I feel an attachment to the main character, so good work there. The reason I marked it down was because of some spelling and grammatical errors. And also there were places where it just wasn't smooth. A few corrections would make it a lot easier to read.

Please let me know when you add more to this story! You certainly won my vote. Good luck in the contest! :D

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Dark

Very well written. I liked your depiction of the character, Death. The writing was smooth and flowing. Although it was a very short chapter, I was drawn in and want to know what will happen next. I found the sorceress character to be an interesting twist. She made me think of Morganna from Dragons in our Midst, for some reason. Good work. I can't to see what happens next! : )

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Intriguing

The story really drew me in. I liked your voice and the way you conveyed the characters. I could really picture them in my mind, inside and out. And then there was that twist in the end... I want to know more about what is going on! The writing and plot was extremely enjoyable. I could really sympathize with Margo and Lyon's relationship and the complications there. I only marked it down because of some spelling and grammatical errors, and there was a strange change in the writing style toward the end. I really enjoyed the story! I hope you do well in the contest!

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Simple and fanscinating

I love it when an author can take the same story (a commoner marries a prince and becomes a princess) and turn it into something completely new. The idea of the girl who worked the apple orchard and the mysterious stranger that helped her expand her business was very good. I never expected him to turn out being the prince, although I suspected that he loved her. The writing was clear and evocative and kept me reading. The only reason I marked it down was because it moved a little slow in places. Good work!

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Good beginning

I only read the first chapter so far, but I hope to read more soon. (Just so you know, I would classify this as supernatural. I think it would do well in the contest.) I liked how you incorporated the music lyrics into the story -- it helped to give a good look at the main character and some of his hidden scars. Plot-wise, I'm not sure where it is going so far, but I like it. The reason that I marked it down was because of some spelling and grammatical errors. It was quite enjoyable. Hope this helps. Keep writing! :)

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Chilling

That last line... Wow. Creepy stuff. It is a great story, with the teenage boy leaving written messages in a bathroom stall for the mysterious "K". I think that this story could be even more powerful if it was expanded. I wanted to know more about why the boy hated life, what his family was like, what his school was like. As it is, I never even got to know his name. Either way, I enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest!

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Haunting

Good grief, that's scary! This writer definitely knows their craft! The suspense and horror was woven in wonderfully with evocative descriptions and chilling thoughts. I want to know what happens next, although I would be afraid to pick it up again. I was rooting for the protagonist from the beginning. It was a really well-written story. Good work.

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Fascinating

I wasn't even planning on reading this story, but I glanced at the beginning and was sucked right in by the first paragraph. This story seemed very unique to any fantasy that I have read because of the technology involved. It reminded me of Skyrim a little bit. The beginning interaction between the nephew and his uncle was intense....and then hilarious. I loved it. The protagonist, Amando, is quite enjoyable, even in his arrogance. And the other characters are just as interesting. I liked his cousin's thoughts on what it was to be a royal and the way you made Amando's visit feel nostalgic. This is one of the best stories that I've read on here so far, and I hope that you will add more to it soon. It thrust me right into the story and kept me drawn to the very end. Also, his interaction with DIANA was quite enjoyable too.

Great work! Please, let me know when and if you post more.

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Unexpected

I thought that this was a very good story. I liked that the main character was a "failure" but that she wanted to be better. The idea of the magic and apprenticeship was enjoyable. I thought that the test the wizard did was unexpected and very good. I was pretty worried when she ran out of time. I would have liked to have known more about what the "Mana" looked like, but that was just a little thing. Good work!

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Love it

I didn't think you could top that beginning chapter, but you certainly did. This was great! I thought that your description of the "Ancient Ones" and their interaction was quite interesting. And I loved the third chapter! You really evoked Bergen's fear of what the demon might do to his family. I was on the edge of my seat. You really know your craft. Great work!

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Creepy

It kept me reading, and I loved the writing style. Although a few sentences were a little rambling, others were like art. My problem with this story was that I wasn't quite sure what was haunting her. The dead man? Other men that she regretted? A little more detail in that arena would make the story clearer. Other than that, I enjoyed it. Keep writing!

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Very interesting

It definitely wasn't what I expected. I liked the idea of the murder investigation and of the "Order" that seems to be so corrupt. Your writing was evocative and enjoyable. However, I didn't quite understand exactly what place the Order had in society. Why are they shut out from the rest of the world? Why can't anyone come in? Also, when Gali broke in I actually thought that it was a flashback rather than something that was happening currently. I think that I was confused because it was just a little too rushed. Other than that, I really enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest!

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Great story, but rushed at the end

Great description of the party! You gave me a clear picture of that...and of the protagonist...right off the bat. Although he was not a very nice person, I liked him. The interaction between him and the ninja was very funny, and I liked the way things ended up. It seemed very unique. However, I thought the ending, after Chris died, was a little rushed. And it seemed like you defaulted to telling rather than showing. But other than that, I really liked this story. Good luck in the contest!

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Chilling

Although it happened just as I expected it, it was quite enjoyable. I liked the inner dialogue of the main character and the way he carried himself, but I thought that we should have gotten to know more about the character. I hope that you will add more to this. :) Good luck in the contest!

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Too much missing

I like where the story is going, and the action is good, but I didn't really understand what was going on after the first chapter. I understand that you may be trying to create an air of mystery, but right now it is just too vague. We need more of an idea of setting. Where are they? What is the social climate? What on earth is the Dala? Just stuff like that. I enjoy Kim's character, but I think that you need to reveal more about him. Right now he feels a little wooden. Also, at the end of the first chapter, you mentioned a box resting on a mountain I think? I had a hard time picturing it.

It is a good beginning, it just needs a little work. I would love to read more. Keep writing!

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It's getting there...

I like the idea of this story -- the reluctant, rebel princess -- but I think that it needs some work in the delivery. There were a lot of grammatical issues that need to be fixed. I think that the main problem with this story is that there is too much telling and too little showing. The princess thinks, I hate doing this, but you could show her hating it -- looking at it with disdain, comparing it to something else she doesn't like, etc. Just stuff like that. I would like to know what happens next, however. Keep writing!

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Almost there

I thought that it was an interesting story, but it needed more. I'm not clear on Josh's relationship with his mom or his uncle. Why does he hate him? What's his problem with his mom? Is there a dad? Just detail stuff. Also, it seemed like you jumped from place to place a lot. There was no setting and little to no description of the characters. I think that would add a lot more emotion to what was happening.

Good work. Keep writing!

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Amazing story

I have only read the first couple chapters but decided to start a review now. I would like to say that you are a very talented writer. I was drawn in from the very beginning. The sheer emotion and tension of this piece is wonderful. I love the characters that you have provided so far -- Bensin, Ellie, Shigo, the owners, etc. I can't wait to learn more about this world that you have created. You build up our hopes with the prospect of escape and then hit us right in the chest with the plan's failure. As for the writing itself, it flows beautifully. I think that Bensin's inner dialogue fits in well and provides more to his character.

Wow. Just wow. I really love this story. I hope to finish it soon. Great work.

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Needs more detail

Plot wise, what I understood seemed to have potential, but a lot didn't quite make sense to me. If this is a teaser for something more, it does its job. But it doesn't stand alone. This bit of writing could definitely benefit from more details. I wasn't sure if the son killed the dad to free him or if something else happened. Why are they immortal? Why are they so controlled? Just stuff like that.

I think this has potential. It puts hooks in the reader from the beginning, but I think that it needs a little work. Keep writing! :)

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Good outline

Assuming this is only the synopsis of a longer story:

I think this would be a very good story. For some reason to me it has a distinct Ender's Game feel to it. The idea of the eDNA is interesting and a little scary. There were bits that I didn't quite understand, but there is only so much information that you can pack into an outline. The ending was quite chilling, unexpected. I enjoyed this a lot. The reason I marked it down was because in some places your sentences were so long and complex that I had a hard time reading them. Sometimes shorter sentences can be used just as well.

All in all, good work! And good luck in the contest!

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Great battle scene

So often I read battle scenes that are either too detailed or too vague, but I thought this way very good. It put a strong picture in my mind. For such a short bit of writing, you gave me a great sense of character and setting. I was immediately rooting for Gramm. Your descriptions were short and evocative. I loved the line about Gramm that said "he only felt alive when he was near death". The fact that the elf king was a man and not an elf gave the writing an element of mystery. You left just enough open to leave us wanting more. This is great work. The only thing that I thought could be improved was the description of the monster, Angaari. (Awesome name, by the way. XD ) I found it a little hard to picture.

I hope that you will add more soon. Good luck in the contest!

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Great story

I hope that this is only the beginning, because I loved it. The idea of the druid drew me in. I loved the way that you took the time to develop your characters. Through telling their stories around the campfire and showing us a few sentences about appearance, you were able to present believable and enjoyable characters. Not only that, but I think you also give the reader a great feel for the age that the story is set in. The dialogue was personalized and unique. I would have liked to have known more about what the "volsark" were, but that's just part of keeping the reader engaged. From beginning to end, I enjoyed this story. The characters in it gave me a Vikings sort of feel.

One issue: I thought that you needed spaces between your paragraphs. As it was, it was a little difficult to read.

Loved it. Good luck in the contest!

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The beginning of a fantasy epic?

The story was very interesting from beginning to end. I loved the idea of all the different races and of the adventures that happened in the tavern. I wasn't sure if this was meant to stand alone or if it was just the beginning of a longer story. If it is the beginning, I would suggest that you do some foreshadowing for what is going to happen next. Other than that, I really liked it. Good luck in the contest!

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Powerful

For being very short, I thought the story was very affecting. It puts things into perspective not only for the protagonist of your story, but also the reader. I wanted there to be more, but it did its job as it was. ;)

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Good writing

Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I loved your grasp of setting and character in your writing. Your descriptions were fresh and gave a clear picture. The plotline itself was very enjoyable and kept me hooked. I marked it down because I thought that it was a bit slow (however, that just might be my teenage side showing through.) Great work! :)

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Evocative

I found this story very enjoyable. Most of all, I loved the descriptions in your writing, of the old man and the black square; the sound of the doorbell being like a wasp trapped in a jar. I hope that you will add more to it.

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Chilling

Although I thought it came it a slow start, I really enjoyed this. It definitely made me shiver. The idea of the Iron Tree and Exbola virus just creeps me out. And it definitely served to draw me into the story. I hope that you will post more because I want to know what happens next. One thing, the story kept switching back and forth between past and present tense, and it confused me a little.

Good luck in the contest!

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Heart-wrenching

This was a really great story! I loved the whole thing, the interaction between the girl and the panther, and how it ended. One thing: I wanted to know more about the protagonist. Why was she an outcast in society? Why was her skin fair? Was everyone's? A little more character development would help that end scene pack a little more punch.

Good luck in the contest!

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Highly entertaining!

This story was hilarious with great interaction between characters and unexpected conflicts. It kept me guessing the whole time. I want more! :) The writing itself was very good, not distracting from the story but bringing me in with every detail. I wish you good luck in the contest!

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Needs work

The premise of the story itself is promising, but I think that it needs work in the realm of presentation. There were some grammatical areas that needed worked out. Try cutting some of the adverbs, and that should help. Also, you tend to switch back and forth between past tense and present tense a lot. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I found it confusing. I think that picking one and sticking with it would help to clarify a lot of things.

As for the story, I think that we need to connect more with your main character. While I liked where you were going with her, I felt a little distant. I think that you need to show different shades of her. What we see in this chapter is bitterness. That's not BAD. Maybe you have a bitter character. But it would help us sympathize with her if we saw a different side to her. A hidden hurt? A bit of kindness? Something. As for the introduction to the other characters in the story, I enjoyed that. A character driven story is often off to a good start.

I REALLY hope this doesn't bum you out. You've got something that could become a great story. Please, keep writing!

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Yikes!

I haven't read a lot of horror, but I very much enjoyed this. The concept of the strange videos was very intriguing. I was on the edge of my seat to the very end. The reason that I marked it down was because of the lack of dialogue. I think that if you added some specific dialogue it would help with the pacing and cause the reader to care more about the characters. Still, all in all, I loved it.

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Almost there

I think that this chapter does what it is supposed to do. It drew me in and left me wanting more. However, I marked it down because I did not think the dialogue was as believable as it could have been. Also, you could improve the emotion of this chapter by working on setting and character. This is a good beginning. Please do more with it! :)

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Affecting.

Honestly, poetry is not really my thing, and I don't have a lot of feedback that I can give. However, I thought that this was written powerfully in a way that affects the reader. Just don't mistake depressing for being the same as deep. You can have one without the other. This is only my opinion, and I don't want to sound like a know-it-all, but I think that you could do a lot more with stories and poems that teach something, that have some sort of uplifting message woven into them. Just a thought. But either way, I liked this.

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Great beginning.

From the beginning, I was pulled into the story. It was well written and intriguing. I have never read a lot of outer space science fiction, but I enjoyed this a lot. I hope that the next chapter is on its way. The only critical thing I could say about this story was the length of the paragraphs. Better spacing would help with the rhythm of the reading itself.

All in all, I thought it was a great beginning!

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Mixed feelings

There were elements of this story that I liked. Sky's situation was affecting. The format of the story (in journal entries) was interesting and fresh. But at the same time I think it could have been stronger if it had been written differently. It comes back to showing rather than telling, I think. Setting and character description are affective in evoking emotion, and so are the little details. With a little renovation, I think that this story has true potential. Keep writing!

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Wonderful story!

This is one of the best stories that I have read on this site so far. Although it was a murder mystery, it was not too dark and had a good ending. The plot was understandable and interesting, and the characters kept me intrigued throughout the whole story. I would certainly read more by this author.

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Intriguing

The story drew me in from the beginning, but I think that it deserves more. A clearer glimpse at the characters, more setting. A vividness in the way the characters interact will add to the draw. I hope that this author will post more, because I want to know what happens next! Keep writing.

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A good beginning!

I read the first few chapters and thoroughly enjoyed them. Both the characters and the storyline drew me in immediately. Also, I love the pictures and quotes at the start of every chapter. :) I hope that the author will soon post more.

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Unexpected

The story kept me guessing the whole time, sly and unexpected. I wanted to know more about the main character, particularly in the realm of physical description. I thought that she was an older lady, but I couldn't quite be sure. Also, I didn't quite understand the moral of the story. Was there one? All in all, though, I thought that it was a good story with a skilled author.

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Great story!

I was enthralled throughout the whole story. It was really great. From the very beginning I wanted to know more. In big ways, it shows human flaws for what they really are and conveys the danger in greed. Except for a few typeos the writing style was great. I would definitely read more by this author.

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Intriguing

I just read the first chapter and am thoroughly intrigued. I like the characters that you've introduced, and the plot is extremely interesting. I like the ideas of the comet that sort of melded with earth and affected only (strangely) the males of the world. I'm eager to see what will happen next. I think you could tighten the writing a bit. There was a lot of telling versus showing in here, particularly when it came to the characters' emotions. It will be more powerful if you can show how they feel more than tell it. I would also consider starting the story with her getting dragged out of the panic room rather than introducing the Novas. That beginning part reads a bit like an info-dump, and you want to throw the readers into the action as soon as possible. All in all, this is a great start, and I think it has a lot of potential! Good work!

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Creepy and fascinating

Usually I'm hesitant to read stories that use a different format than what I'm used to, but I really like this. The idea of giving us a story through (mostly) text messages is really kind of fascinating. It worked extremely well for this chilling plot, and I also liked the chapters where you pulled back from that and showed us what was going on with the characters. I also liked that the chapters were so short. It gave the story a fast-paced flow and kept me hooked. It was a tight read, and I liked that you didn't make the reader wade through unnecessary dialogue. It all seemed to add to the story. The plot line itself was extremely intriguing, and I very much enjoyed it. All in all, great work! Good for you for taking a risk and putting this out there. I really enjoyed it, and I would definitely read more of your writing.

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Great story tackling a difficult subject

This was really incredible. I love it when writers can take something as simple (or not so simple) as family life and relationships with friends and turn it into an interesting, enthralling, meaningful story. You do an excellent job of bringing each character to life and making them feel real. Their emotional journey kept me hooked from the beginning to the end, and I was always excited to see what would happen next. One of the things that really stood out to me was your protagonist. He struck me as interesting because most people would try something bolder for a protagonist. His simplicity gave him a whole new layer of depth. You didn't need to go big and bold, and the fact that you made him more of a hapless, wounded character really allowed you to delve in to what it is like to be the bully and the bullied, to hurt and to be hurt. I loved him, he was interesting, he challenged me, he frustrated me, and in the end he made me proud. I also thought your writing style was excellent, particularly when you wrote about him being in kindergarten. It read like it was really being told from the perspective of a kindergartner without being babyish, which is HARD to do! I marked it down for some typos and issues with punctuation, but all in all I thought this was a really great story! The way you dealt with bullying really challenged me and, at times, even made me feel sick. This is a story that deserves to be read. Great work!

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Hilarious and intriguing

I REALLY enjoyed reading this first chapter. It was funny, it had a good draw to it, and it left me wanting more. Several times I was chuckling during this story, and I can already tell that the protagonist is one that I can support. I love her sense of humor and the sarcastic tone that is so inherent in your writing. The bee part and the kareoke scene were so hilarious! It was really fun just watching your characters interact. I think that you could probably add more setting and description to this, so that the reader has a better sense of character, time, and place. More setting would also add to the build-up right before the car accident. Other than that, all I noticed were some grammatical issues and missing words here and there. This is a really good start, and I would definitely read more of this. Also, I just noticed, I think the title should read "If We're Meant to Be" instead of "If were mean't to be". All in all, great work! I can't wait to see where this goes!

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Fun story!

I actually remember reading this the first time you posted it, so it was really fun to read it again once there was more to it. I still like the idea of the charms and of the people who live in cities high above the ground. Your characters are interesting, amusing, and easy to support. Your dialogue never fails to make me chuckle. I don't remember a lot of chapter two being there when I first read it, and I think it's really cool that you show us both worlds, the one above and the one below. There is a lot of mystery in your story, and you kept me curious. I do have to say though, I think the writing needs to be tightened in order to help with pacing. The story moves kind of slowly to me, and I think it would have more draw if you tightened it and made it more fast-paced. Also, in the title I think you want an apostrophe so that it reads "No One's Charm". All in all though, it's a great start, and I think it has a lot of potential. Great work!

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Incredible story!!! (Spoiler alert)

I really can't even tell you how much I love this story. The writing and the plot and the characters are so amazing, and i just LOVE it. You have a writing style that was both evocative and casual enough to allow me to get deeply connected to the characters. When Laurence died, I almost cried, and I am not the type to get that emotional while I'm reading. I had a really hard time getting through some of it, but it was so amazing to be able to walk with Parker through that whole experience. I loved the way that you handled abuse and suicide in this (although I had an incredibly hard time with it). I noticed a typo here and there, but all in all this was an incredible story! I would definitely read more of your writing. Great work!

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Intricate and fascinating

I don't think that I am exactly the intended audience for this story, but I really like it. The story itself is intriguing with good twists and mysteries. I love the way that you build the characters throughout the story; they felt very real to me. Your writing style is very detailed and gives the reader a strong sense of time and place. The pace was a little slower than I would usually like, but I think that mostly goes back to the fact that this is probably written for an audience above my age. All in all, a great work! I would definitely recommend this story!

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Cool premise!

I really love the idea behind this story! It's so fresh and unique, and it has a lot of draw to it. This story is quite enjoyable with an interesting plot and a fresh writing style. It was very clean, and I didn't notice any typos. All in all, great work!

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An enjoyable short

I really enjoy short stories that pack a good punch, and this one did not disappoint. Your blurb left me intrigued, and then I was drawn right into the story. It was short, sweet, and to the point. I loved your use of contrast in the story: the office versus the picture, the outside world versus the inside, etc. I also liked that you sort of foreshadowed the ending with the conversation. That was very well done and made it feel very well-rounded. I would like to think that the wife is the one that set the house on fire in order to fix the dullness of their everyday lives, but I'm not sure if that's actually the case in the story :D. I was also impressed because I didn't see any typos in here, and that's REALLY hard to do with a piece of writing! The first reason I marked it down was due to the writing feeling rather bland at times. With a story like this that is so short and sweet, it's very important that you have a vibrant and outstanding writing style. For example, the first sentence read, "The sound of ticking went completely unnoticed by the man". This is good because it sets the reader up for a certain amount of intrigue, but several things in this is rather vague. You might describe this dull, monotonous, never-ending ticking that is the bane of this man's existence with a word or two. The phrase "the man" is also very vague. You could add a descriptor like "the robotic man" or "the bored man" or something like that. Something to make it sound less generic. If you applied this to the writing style in your story, I think it would make it stand out even more! The second reason I marked it down was that I would have liked to see more mystery in the ending as to why the house burned down. I like the hopeful thought you give to the end, but I also think it would be really cool if you found a way to hint even more at the fact that maybe this wasn't an accident. Maybe the wife did it. Maybe not. Leave the reader wondering. All in all, I think this has a lot of potential, and I hope this helps. Great work! I would definitely read more of your writing! ;-)

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Cursed (SPOILER ALERT)

This was a very enjoyable read! I read it all in a day after about three sittings, and I'm really enjoying it thus far. It was fast-paced and interesting. I was immediately drawn in by the scene with the robbery. I have to say, I have a bit of a soft spot for stories involving the street life, so I especially liked the first two or three chapters where a lot of that came through. I think one of my favorite things about this story was your unique voice. I loved Jack's wry, self-deprecating sense of humor. Most protagonist's feel the need to paint themselves in a certain light, but Jack just sort of tells it like it is, embarrassing moments and all, and I just love that about him. One of my favorite parts was when he first encountered Rose, and he was all like "I totally didn't whimper...... I DIDN'T whimper, and she smirked". That one really had me giggling. :-) The writing was very tight and clean, and I never noticed any typos which is no easy thing. This story reminds me a lot of a comic series called "Brody's Ghost". As far as characterization goes (I was going to focus more on this than on plot since you mentioned it in your post), I did notice some stuff there that could probably be improved. The first issue I noticed was the dialogue. In many of the scenes, I found it very enjoyable to listen to the characters interact, but in other places it felt kind of corny. This especially occurred in fight scenes, where the characters are spewing wit at one another between blows. A little of that is okay, but it was laid on so thick that it began to hurt me physically. Your protagonist usually felt very real to me, but when he started doing this he started to remind me of a 2D anime character or something. This was especially the case when Jack and Sam were fighting. After being locked into this terrible, exhausting battle, they split apart and just began a conversation, and I kept wondering.....how are they not so out of breath that they can hardly speak? Also, this is completely personal preference, but I kind of wanted the sword to be less sassy (my reasoning being that all the other characters are SO sassy, and a little more variety might add to the realism). Then the second problem I noticed was just that the characters were a little 2D at times. I totally get that it's REALLY hard to create real people on paper, so I have been trying to think of ways that would have made the characters in this story more real to me. One thing I noticed was that Jack was constantly mentioning the fact that he doesn't want to trust others and he doesn't want to be in debt to other characters. I really like this dynamic and it makes for a very interesting character.....but this is one of the only things that we see in him. I feel like it kind of takes over his personality. I want to see more about who he is and how he feels about other things in life. I want to see different situations eliciting different reactions from him. Another thing that would have made him (and other characters) more real to me would have been to know more backstory. I realize that you may be withholding information to maintain a certain amount of mystery (which is fine), but holding back too much leaves the reader more confused than anything else. I think it would make Jack even more likable if you delved more into his memories and the horrors of his backstory. He is likable because of his sense of humor, but I think we would sympathize with him more if we get more emotionally connected to his suffering. I also found this to be an issue with Rose. I have NO IDEA how they know each other or what they think of each other, and that leads to me simply not understanding their character dynamic. He obviously likes her physically, but does he like her personality? Dislike her? What does he dislike or like about her? We started to get a bit more of this in the last chapter (another of my favorites, btw, great work there), but i think more of that should come earlier on. Other things about his motives and thoughts confused me too, such as why he was training and stuff like that. Sam's conversion also left me completely confused. I have no read on him whatsoever because all I've seen in the story is him being a zealous, evil-purging maniac. I don't understand his motivation for joining them. I LOVE the idea of having him convert, I just want to understand who he is and why he is first. :-) I really really hope this helps. I have spent a lot of time struggling with creating real characters, and I still don't think I'm there yet. This story has a great amount of potential, it just needs a little work to really make it shine! Please let me know if you have any questions or comments or whatever. I'd be happy to try and help in whatever way I can. Great work! I think you'll go places! (And please forgive any typos that may be in this review. Midnight is swiftly approaching as I post this.) :D

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Intriguing

I love reading fantasy, and this one did not disappoint. I loved the depth of the world you've created and all the interesting racial differences. I'm intrigued by your diverse cast of characters. You put a lot of detail and care into the world building, and I definitely appreciate that, especially when it comes to a fantasy story. I do have to say that I noticed a bit of an issue with the pacing. After reading the acknowledgment, I was all revved up and ready to go, but the first chapter started SO SLOWLY. I feel like you could have cut the first page or two with all the world-building stuff and just bring it straight to what is going on with the characters. It would make the beginning more interesting and give it more of a draw. Plus, I think that setting is better if it is interspersed throughout the story rather than dumped at the beginning of each chapter. If you cut down on a bit of this, I think it will definitely help with the pacing and the overall draw of the story. I hope this helps. It's definitely a good start. Great work!

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Clean and intriguing!

I don't often come across stories on here that have such a concise, evocative writing style. This story was very clean and polished, making it all the more affecting for the reader. I was drawn in from chapter one, and that's definitely the makings of a good story! Great work!

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Great story!

I enjoyed this a lot! The plot was unique and intriguing. It's hard to come up with an idea that is different from the millions of others clogging the world of literature, but I think this is definitely an idea that has set itself apart. I was hooked from the beginning. The writing style was professional and clean, and I felt immediately connected to the characters from chapter one. I liked that you also worked some racial aspects into this story. All in all, great work! I would definitely read more by this author!

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Enjoyable story!

I found this to be a very pleasant, enjoyable read with interesting characters and a plot that kept me hooked. I loved how your protagonist's voice set her apart and helped us to get to know her better. The story has a lot of draw, especially in the first chapter. I think the main issue I noticed had to do with pacing. There was a lot of telling rather than showing when it came to the protagonist's thoughts. Following her string of inner dialogue became a bit tedious within the first chapter since, for the most part, it seemed to be restating the obvious. I would cut out a lot of that interior dialogue and try to SHOW what she's feeling and thinking rather than telling it to the reader outright. Make us hunt for it. Layers. :-) All in all, this has a lot of potential. Great work!

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Needs more draw

I found this story to be intriguing, but I felt that it needed more draw to it, especially in the beginning. Prologues often are a turn-off for me personally, because it often feels like telling rather than showing. The first chapter started to get into the meat of things, but it still moved a little slower than I would have liked. If you work on increasing the pace of the story, I think it would help. Other than that, it also needed some work on the technical end of the writing. This story has a lot of potential, it just needs a bit of work. Hope this helps. I wish you good luck in your writing ventures!

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Get out alive (SPOILER ALERT!)

This was a really great story! It sank its hooks into me from the beginning and kept me engaged until the very end. I liked the excitement and action that you poured into this. The plot was enthralling. I liked the idea of the school shooting where a group of kids had to take control and solve the problem. It was really cool watching them face each situation. I liked the characters that you introduced. I was immediately rooting for Margaery and Axel and all their friends. I especially loved the descriptions that you gave of them in the first chapter. They were really thorough and interesting. I also thought that Max was a very interesting character (although a little flat). I would have liked to have known more about him and his weird thing for the protagonist. There were a lot of touchy subjects in this story, but I thought that you did a really great job of handling them with tact while letting them be the gritty, horrific things that they were. However, there were a few things I noticed that kind of took out the realism for me. Firstly, I thought that the dialogue was a little unrealistic. It seemed like the characters were saying exactly what they were thinking all the time, and this made them all feel kind of fake and bland at times. I wanted to see more character in them, especially in the things they said. I wanted to see some ulterior motives and some different coping mechanisms kicking in. Secondly, there could have been a lot less telling and a lot more showing, particularly with the protagonist. I liked the first and second chapter because I felt that they were extremely evocative. Later, there were these huge chunks of internal dialogue where the protagonist was reacting to things. I think that this could be more effective if you cut down on the internal dialogue and try to show it more through what Margaery does, what she says, what she notices in her surroundings, and how she sees herself. This would help with pacing as well as making it more real and evocative. Thirdly, I felt that Max was a little undeveloped. I like the idea of the cult, but I felt I needed to understand him better and what brought him to such a horrific place. It wouldn't have to be much, maybe just things in his physical appearance, mannerisms, and the things he says. That sort of thing. All in all, this was a really great story! There were a just things that I thought could use a good polishing. Great work! I hope you get lots of reads on this!

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Intriguing

I was drawn to this because I was a huge Erin Hunter fan a few years ago, and it didn't disappoint. It definitely had the same flavor as the Warriors books but with a different twist. I like what you have here so far, and I'm intrigue as to what will happen next. I liked the strange vision administered by the spectral visitor. The first chapter creates so many questions in the reader's mind. I want to know more about your protagonist. I will say that if I hadn't seen the picture, I wouldn't have any idea what the creature was - I'm still not sure I understand why the cat has wings. You might give a description of the protagonist to avoid confusion. I also noticed a few typos, but other than that this was a really good beginning! Great work!

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Amazing story!

I just want to preface this review with one statement: I don't like dogs. I have been scratched (in the eye), trampled, growled at, chased, and just about everything else by dogs, so I usually have a deep prejudice against reading what I like to call "sappy dog stories". However, this story really took me by surprise. I had kind of been dragging my feet on reading it - due to the aforementioned reasons - but when I did I couldn't put it down. This story is AMAZING! The writing style was clean and enjoyable. I loved Sal's voice throughout the story. The characters were well-developed. I liked every one of them in their own way, and I liked the element of Eric's ghost that played into the story. The main character was especially likable to me because she is SO relatable in SO many ways. I laughed out loud when I read the scene where she almost broke John's nose and then tripped on her shoelaces. Boone was a really cool character too (which surprised me because of my deep and abiding dislike for dogs), and I REALLY liked that you gave him such a unique voice. The plot itself was simple but it held so much meaning and so much emotional impact. There were some scenes where I even felt my eyes getting a bit misty. This is really good writing! I knocked a star off because I encountered some typos, but all in all this is really great, and I have no doubt that it could be published. Great work! I would love to read more by this author!

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Stereotypical but interesting

This story seemed to follow a lot of the tropes of a romance story, but I did enjoy it. I liked exploring the minds of these two different people, both when they were young and when they were a bit older. It ended on a bit of a cliff-hanger and left me wanting more. I liked the idea of Storm having to go back to her love due to her need to try and help a friend. That created a bit of an interesting dynamic, and I'm curious as to how that will unravel. You do a lot showing us the inner workings of the characters, but I feel like you could give us more. Based upon what we see here, they seem to be wholly defined by their relationships and their work. I want to know who they are apart from that - who they really are when no one is looking. I also would have liked to have seen more setting in this story. Setting does huge things for giving the reader the mood of the story, and I think it would make this more endearing depending on the setting that you give us. Other than that, it could also use some work on the technical end of the writing. It was definitely an enjoyable beginning. I like that you use shorter chapters; it's refreshing to read them because they're often to-the-point and feisty. All in all, good start!

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Fun beginning!

This was a really fun read! I found the voice in the story very amusing and Ross even more so. He makes for a likable protagonist. I also liked the way that you set up the government and its attempts to keep control of the country. The book-burning was especially interesting to me. I also liked some of the names that you used -- Sisterland and....what was the other one.... Abnormalities? I can't remember now. But I remember liking it! I would definitely say that you should try and work on more showing and less telling. I never really got much of a sense of setting in this story, and I think that if you added more setting it would really help to make this even more believable. I also think that you could try and slow down. It felt like you were kind of rushing from one event to the other. I would have liked to have dwelt in some of the places for a longer period of time with vivid details and visceral images - especially with the parents' death scene in the first chapter. I would also move all the telling about the government out of the first scene. That first scene with the firefight should just grab the leader's attention without the need for exposition. I would add that backstory into the next scene once you've already snagged your reader. However, I really enjoyed reading it. All in all, this is a really good start, and I'm eager to see where it goes! Good work!

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Really enjoyable story!

I started reading this, and I was intrigued from the very start. I want to know what happens next! Since this is a "work in progress", I assume this isn't the end? One of my favorite things about this story was that it was always unexpected. No one ever acted quite the way I thought they would. Whenever I felt like I had things figured out, another piece was thrown into the puzzle. It was definitely a page-turner! I liked Darren's character and the way that he progressed through the story. He was a flawed but interesting character. I was always sad to see him being so selfish and self-destructive, but I really like the way that he develops throughout the story. It makes him seem very real. His later commitments seem to show that he is trying to be more responsible with the way he lives, which is really cool. I also thought it was interesting that you kind of divided him into two people - Darren and Dude. It was very interesting the way he compartmentalizes his life. It makes it very clear that that's a coping mechanism. I also really liked Kay (I felt so bad for her) , Celiene, and Jeffery. I would have liked to have known more about them in the story. It seemed like they were very much defined by their relationships, so it would have been cool to see more individual and ulterior motives thrown into the mix. The plot was very intriguing. Like I said before, it constantly kept me on my toes. I was never quite sure what was going to happen, and it caught me off guard numerous times. I love it when a story surprises me! The writing style was nice, and I enjoyed Darren's voice. I noticed later on where parenthesis were missing, and there were also a few typos here and there, but overall it was pretty clean writing. All in all, this was a really great read! I don't think I've ever read a story quite like this on here. I really want to know what will happen next! Thanks for sharing this great story on here! :-)

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Amazing beginning!

I have to say, this definitely wasn't what I was expecting, but I really love it so far. I don't know if I've ever seen a world where fantasy and today's reality are so seamlessly intertwined. It was so strange to see fantastical creatures sitting in a bar watching television and talking about guys. I also like the way you explained the government's involvement with supernatural matters. That detail added a lot of explanation and realism to the story. I'm very intrigued as to what will happen next! Your plot is already pretty-well lined out from chapter one (although I'm sure there are plenty of twists and turns along the way), and I really like your characters so far. I already feel like I have a pretty good understanding of your protagonist, and that's hard to do in one chapter. I really wanna read the next one! The writing was tight and pretty well polished. There were some clunky phrases and typos here and there, but, all in all, it was really good! Let me know when you update this, because I'd definitely be interested in reading more! I hope that you get lots of reads on this. Great work!

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Bizarre but enjoyable

So I just read this, and all I have to say is wow. This is truly the most bizarre story I have ever read on Inkitt. It starts out normal, but then it just keeps on getting weirder and weirder. I like the idea of the quill that allows your characters to break the laws of time and physics. Travelling with them to different universes was extremely enjoyable and, needless to say, strange. I also really liked the idea of the directors, who write out our fates. It was odd but really quite cool to see the parallels between life and writing. The characters were really cool, and I liked that you gave us such a broad cast of characters. The writing itself was good, and I didn't encounter many typos. I can tell that you put a lot of time into this. The one thing I will criticize was that I didn't feel much of an emotional impact in this story. It was almost so bizarre that I couldn't really relate to a lot of the characters. In the first chapter, when we see Jeremy's flashback, I really felt for him, but after that he didn't seem quite real. He never really seemed scared by what was happening, and that made it feel less real to me. But, all in all, it was still quite enjoyable. Great work!

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Fast-paced and enjoyable

I just read what you have posted, and I did enjoy it. It worked out well for me stumbling across this, since i really like stories about gangs. This story reminds me a lot of a TV show I watched a while back (I think it was called Durarara). There was a gang in that called the Yellow Scarves too. I also really like the name 'Yakuza" for a gang. This story was very fast-paced, and things happened in rapid succession, making it seem very fit for something like a TV show. The plot was enjoyable. I'm not sure where this story is going yet, but I'm definitely interested. I'd like to know more about Lee and who he is. As of now, I don't really have much of a read on him. It was interesting that he was so casual about all that killing, and it makes me curious as to why he's that way. One thing i noticed was that he seems to talk to himself A LOT. A little of this is okay, but eventually it starts to get a little creepy. I would turn some of that into thoughts and inner dialogue so that he doesn't seem quite as weird. :-) The writing itself needed some more, but this definitely has potential. Great work! I hope you get lots of reads!

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Dark, ugly, and incredible

I'm not sure what this says about me as a person, but I absolutely loved this story in all its rawness and ugliness. The idea of following such a sick, twisted mind through his struggles in mundane everyday life is so unique and intriguing. You sunk your hooks into me in the first chapter and didn't let go since them. Plot-wise, I'm very curious where this is going...if it will be a story of a madman finding his way back to power or if it will be a story of redemption. I think I would follow it to the end either way. I loved seeing Damon's disconnected interaction with his family and his girlfriend, and I'm very curious as to what Eric is planning and what his true motives are. The characters in this are probably my favorite element. They are deeply developed and three-dimensional. I love seeing things through Damon's eyes and following his depraved struggles. His reactions to different situations are so unexpected, and yet his love for his brother gives him a more tender, sensitive side. Eric and Rick are also very interesting characters with quirks that set them apart. I'm interested in seeing how they fit into the story. The writing style itself is amazing. I love Damon's voice and the way that you vividly depict his emotional struggles. I hope that one day I will be able to write like this. There were a few typos in there, but not enough to distract from the story. The only part that I would criticize was in the second chapter. The first chapter hooked me, but the beginning of the second chapter lulled a little too much. Don't get me wrong, I really like the way that you take the time to explore Damon's psyche, but I think that you should try to bring on the action with his girlfriend a little quicker so that you don't lose the reader. Fight to keep them in your grasp. It was lulling for the first half of the chapter, but seeing his reaction to the drunk man drew me in SO quickly. It was really a brilliant scene. All in all, this is really incredible. I can't wait to see where the story goes! Great work!

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An American Hunger Games

I started reading this story and just couldn't put it down. It has a lot of parallels to the "Hunger Games" series, but it has a really nice American, political, realistic twist to it. I love the idea of the volunteers having to climb the tower. The simplicity and horror of it is really striking. One of my favorite aspects of this story was the world-building involved. Most people - when going for a fallen-nation type setting - take it to the extreme, but this just took the world back to a simpler life. I really liked that Richard was a farmer doing normal, every-day things with relatable relationships and goals. This real, vivid world made the story far more impacting. I especially liked the political elements that you included into it. They were very thought-provoking. The characters in this were also quite good. Richard was likable from the start and continued to be even more so. I loved his relationship with Jenny, and one of my favorite scenes was when he told her about the tower. I was expecting some big dramatic argument with lots of self-righteous vigor, but instead I saw two real, honest, broken-hearted people, and that was really touching. I also found myself becoming attached to all the climbers even over such a short period of time. I would have liked to have seen more distinction between the characters - some like Kris and Own seemed very very similar to one another. Even so, I really liked them, and I enjoyed the almost fatherly scene between Owen and Richard during their first night. Charlie was very intriguing, but I never felt like I got to understand him, and the same goes for Alex. I think they would be more impacting if you developed them a little more. Plot-wise, this is pretty solid. I enjoyed it all the way through, and it really held my attention. The ending seemed a little abrupt. I was surprised that he ended up taking the job. It almost left the story with a foreboding tone about diminishing lower class and the greed of society. I would have liked to know more about his thoughts in that area. Did he feel guilty? Like he deserved what he was getting? Like he could make a difference through his position? You don't have to include this, but I was very curious in that last chapter. Also, I as I was reading the scene with the actual climb, I was thinking that you might want to add in more details to make it more vivid. You could include things like the way his limbs feel as he climbs, the way his clothing rubs, the feeling of the wind dragging across his sweat-soaked back. That sort of thing. That scene is your opportunity to paint the true horrors of the climb, and while Jeremiah and all his dead friends definitely do that, I think you could take it a step farther by including more of what Richard is physically feeling. The writing itself was enjoyable. I liked Richard's voice, and I didn't catch very many typos. I noticed a few formatting issues; 1) In the first several chapters, there were areas where the paragraphs kind of mushed together - Inkitt sometimes does this for some reason, but it's not hard to fix. 2) I think there were some scenes missing in chapters 15 and 16 that led up to fights with Charlie and Richard. Since some of the information seemed to be missing, these chapters seemed kind of fragmented. 3) There were those swirly scene-break symbols (for lack of a better descriptor) in places where they didn't need to be (especially in fifteen and sixteen). I think you mostly just want to use those for scene breaks and for times when the perspective shifts. Sometimes they were just in random places, and it confused me a bit. I hope this helps! The story was really super enjoyable, and I pretty much had to nit-pick to find things to critique. I really like your writing. Personally, I like this story better than the "Hunger Games" because you have a really nice, likable protagonist, and I really like the political elements that you worked in. I hope that you get lots of reads on here. Great work!

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Gripping and meaningful

This story was incredible. I love novellas, so I was excited to pick this up to begin with, but once I started, I couldn't stop. Plot-wise, it was extremely intriguing. I liked the idea of the mysterious kidnapping and the "confessions" and their chase through the old factory. It was creepy and unique, and the interaction between characters was really fun. I also liked your twist at the end painting the intentions of the "antagonists". The final chapter was a marvelous and satisfying wrap-up, which is hard to find in a story these days. I also really liked your characters in this story. From the beginning, I thought it was really interesting that Harvey liked the dark. That's just not a trait that you see in characters very often. That trait did a good job peaking my interest, and then he just became more and more three-dimensional from there. I especially liked the light shed on his character by his confessions. His development through the story was really touching, and I was SO HAPPY when I realized that Tess was on the drive with him. For a while I was worried that the scars had ran too deep, but that was a really touching ending. Cara was also an interesting and well-developed character. I enjoyed the tension of Harvey pleading her to confess while the water kept on rising. The writing itself was very clean and evocative. I really liked the imagery you put in there - I always had a very clear picture of the setting and of what was going on. I did run into areas where the grammar confused me a little, but that could be easily smoothed out. My one suggestion is that you might improve the pacing by breaking the one MONOLITH chapter into several smaller chapters. That way, each smaller chapter could end on a cliff-hanger and keep the reader foaming at the mouth for more. All in all, this was an amazing story! I loved the emotional content, and I especially loved Harvey's development as a character. Great work! I hope that you get lots of reads!

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Fun story!

I just took a look at the first couple chapters, and I really like this so far. Your main character is very enjoyable, and I like the inherent sarcasm in your writing style. All of the characters in this feel very real in a very short period of time. I have really enjoyed watching the different people interact in this story so far. The plot is developing well, and you've definitely sunk your hooks into the reader with that opening chapter. There's a nice element of mystery in here too, making me wonder how May and Marc are connected and why they seem to dislike one another now. There's very little given to the reader in the way of setting. I might try to spruce that up a little in order to give the reader more of a sense of time and place. The writing style is very clean and enjoyable with a nice touch of teenage angst. There were some issues in the grammar, and I spotted a few typos as I read. One persistent error I saw in the writing came through interior dialogue. When you're writing interior dialogue, the dialogue itself should be italicized but the tags should not. I was often finding the opposite in the writing, with the tags (usually "I thought") italicized and the dialogue not. Just a nitpicky thing. All in all, this is a great start, and I'm curious to see where this goes. Great work!

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Intriguing

I couldn't stand to see a story with a one-star rating, so I decided to check this out, and I'm glad I did. I completely disagreed with the other reviews. I actually really enjoyed the first chapter. Though it's a little vague, the word-play in it is fantastic! I loved the phrase you used...."overburdened by our own cleverness". Things like this lent a feeling of realism to this story that makes it a little haunting. I like that you take the time to set the stage for your story. It got me hooked, and now I want to see where the story will go. I enjoyed looking at the world through the eyes of your character. It strikes me as a tale of survival and rebuilding. The idea of the "bunker" type place where the protagonist is hiding reminds me of a novel called Wool (I can't remember who it's by, but it was a fantastic story). The writing was very clean and polished. I would definitely read more of this, and I hope that you put more up on the site. Great work so far!

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Quiet and enjoyable

I just read chapters one through three and really enjoyed them. It starts out a little slow, but I like that you take the time to really set the scene and give the reader a sense of time and place. Many writers don't do this, and it gives your writing a very full-bodied feel. I'm really enjoying the characters that you've introduced so far. I enjoyed Roger's interaction with the sailor - his name just slipped my mind - and I also really liked his conversation with Ted, the cabin boy. You do a great job giving the readers an immediate sense of character. I'm curious to know more about these characters, especially the shy little boy. There isn't a whole lot going on in the story yet, but you definitely make up for that in your characters and setting. The writing was very clean, and I didn't notice any typos. The only thing I saw was in chapter two - i think during the conversation with Ted, if I remember right - you use "..." with a comma at the end whereas it should just be the three periods, no comma. This is a great start! I think I will definitely come back to this when I get the chance. I hope that you get lots of readers on this. Good luck in the contest!

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Great fantasy!

Prologue through chapter 1: Okay, so I only had enough time to read this much in this sitting, but OH MY GOSH, I really love it so far! I was hooked in the prologue, and you didn't let me go in that first chapter. You do a great job of setting the scene in your writing and describing setting. Your imagery gave me a clear picture of what was happening, and you are also very good at describing the political setting involved. I found myself really sad in the prologue when Michael died. It was very emotional, even though I hadn't known him for long. I also like Jacob and the enmity between him and his father. The dialogue between them was very interesting. Your writing occasionally was on the borderline of info-dumping, but I think that you pulled it off for the most part. The only time i really noticed it was when the monk was contemplating the history of Ironwood. Also, I noticed some grammatical errors with your dialogue. When you split a large line of dialogue into two paragraphs, each paragraph should start with parenthesis but should just end with a period - no parenthesis - until the ending line when the person stops speaking. Other than that, the writing was very clean. I added this story to my reading list so that I can come back to it. Great work!

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A really pleasant read

I really enjoyed this. I would love to see a longer piece of fiction with this trio. I thought that it was a great cast, with the lovable older soldier, the wily teenage sniper, and the prickly sorceress. It was so fun to watch them interact, especially with the burping contest. I thought it was so funny when they were all laughing at Ivy and Ace fell out of his chair. There wasn't a whole lot of story here, but you gave the reader enough to understand what was going on. Like i said, I would love to see this story expanded. You gave the reader an immediate sense of time and place. The only thing that confused me was the fact that magic was paired with weapons like rifles. But even that choice was interesting, and I wanted to know more about the world this was set in. The dialogue was a lot of fun in this story. I thought that your writing style was very clean and polished, and I don't think I ran into any typos. Great work! I would definitely read more of this if it were to come along. :-)

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Bizarre but enjoyable!

Wow. I really don't think I came into this story prepared. This caught me completely off-guard, but not in a bad way. It was so bizarre yet so entertaining that I was drawn in right away, especially after I realized that the initial scene was only a fantasy. This story was a little too graphic for me, so I decided to stop after chapter one, but I really enjoyed what I read. I thought your characters were hilarious...well-described and two-dimensional...but they also had their dark sides. The plot line with the Youtubers and the recent zombie apocalypse was definitely not what I expected, but I kind of loved it. This piece of writing doesn't take itself too seriously, and that's great! I want to know what happens next. Your dialogue was very natural. I had to skip over the part where they were beating the zombie to death because it was written rather graphically; you did an excellent job of painting those characters as complete sickos. The writing itself was clean and, at times, comical. I was confused in a few parts because of wording issues, but the rest of it was great! This story is very unique and has a great draw. I hope that it does well in the contest!

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Good love story

Chapter one: Oh my gosh, I love this! Love stories aren't usually my thing, but this is really good so far. You established a really good, playful female character and a kind, strong, male character. I loved the way they met and their interaction throughout the story. The fight with the drunk body builder was a nice touch. I definitely want to see where this goes. The writing style was simple and evocative. I liked that you were very specific about where they were. I'm curious as to what war he's fighting in, but I'm guessing that will come later. I love your use of songs as chapter titles. The only reason I marked it down was due to frequent grammatical errors and typos. I would definitely continue reading this. Great work so far!

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Fun story!

********Prologue through chapter 2: I just read the first couple chapters, and I'm really enjoying this so far! You did a good job setting up the tense relationship between father and daughter, and their relationship seems very natural. The dialogue in this story is really good so far, both between Mike and Jenna and between Jenna and her friends. I'm intrigued as to how the prologue ties in to what is happening in the story. The writing itself was very clean. I would have liked to see some more setting and description, but other than that it was really good! I noticed a formatting issue in there also. When you're switching between perspectives or scenes, it looks like you pressed "enter" several times. A better way to do this may be to use a line or a " *** " symbol so that it is more uniform. Just a suggestion. This starts out really good! I'm excited to see where it goes! Great work! *************

Chapters 3-4: These were really good. We're starting to get into the meat of what's happening. I'm interested in seeing where this goes, with the huge war and the Engineers. Having the girl that disappeared there was a good twist. I liked seeing Mike's reaction to what was happening, although it surprised me that Alex seemed more in control of the situation. There's a lot of mysteries here, but I think that you do a good job of giving the reader just enough to understand. Good work!

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Good beginning

Chapters 1 and 2: I was drawn in by this right away. You had a good pull to the beginning that made me want to know more about what was happening. I was a little confused about the concept of being chained in time, and I didn't expect Cynthia to be able to walk on earth. Maybe a little clarification in there would help. Your writing was very clean, and it looks like you took a lot of time with it. Which is great! I ran into a few sentences that could use restructuring, but overall it was pretty good. I'm curious to see what happens next. I recognized some references from your other books, and I'm wondering how this particular story will tie in. Hope this helps! Good work!

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Laid-back writing but interesting plot

Chapters 1-3: I don't usually enjoy mystery stories very much, but I'm really liking this one so far. It seems like a bit of a laid-back story, with a chill protagonist and a peaceful setting. I like Henry's character, with his loner-type attitude and his domestic issues. The fact that he is a detective makes him interesting and authoritative. I liked the amount of realism you gave these chapters, from the casual conversation to the reactions from people about the murder. I'm definitely curious to see what happens next in this story. The writing itself was flawless and evocative. Nothing really distracted from the story. The only reason I marked it down is because it seems like a pretty stereotypical mystery thus far. Which could definitely change depending on what happens next! I like this a lot so far. Great work!

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What the what?!

Prologue: Whoa! My gosh, I haven't been pulled into a story this quickly in a long time! This was great! It reeled me in from the get go, and I think I will definitely delve deeper in. To me, prologues usually act as a sort of....buffer before the REAL stuff starts happening, but I didn't get that vibe with this prologue at all. Great work! I get a bit of a Percy Jackson sort of feeling from this, and I'm intrigued to see what happens next. Plot-wise and character-wise, great work thus far. That being said, I think that there could be more description in this chapter. I realize that you may have written this to be a brief, hook-sinker type thing (which is great) but I think that a few lines of description for the characters, the three-headed dog, and perhaps the setting would help to make it more vivid. I hope this helps and look forward to hearing from you. Love this so far! Great work!

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Whoa!

This was intense! You sucked me in from the beginning and didn't let me go! I liked that you took time in the introduction to set up her living situation and her relationship with the people in her family. It added a good layer to what was going on. The plotline was unclear, beyond the fact that something was chasing her. The whole scene was so well handled, with a break-neck pace (especially when she fell down), but I felt like it came to a very abrupt halt. If that's all there is to the story, I'd like to at least have an idea of who snatched her and why. It was a chilling ending, but it didn't really make sense to me. You could make it even more creepy by adding more details to it. Also, there were some areas where the language was a bit clunky, so I think that if you read through it, it would help to smooth out the language. Beyond that, good work! I would definitely read more by this author!

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Such good characterization!

I love this so far. It pulled me in from the beginning and didn't let go. The plot is intriguing, and I LOVE Jack's character. There's something about the adopted foster boy with the tendency toward bad behavior that really interests me because there is so much potential. I thought that the interaction between characters was so well done. I feel like you have a way of just laying out the characters more through showing than telling, and it's all tinted with Jack's vision. I can't wait to see what happens next. I have it in my reading list so that I can come back to it. The writing style was really good -- I like the way that everything is colored by Jack's cynical nature. I think that there are some areas that need to be tightened -- and you repeated yourself in a couple places where it wasn't necessary -- but you could probably fix that in one sweep. Anyway, great work! I hope that this does well in the contest! You're a great writer.

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A pleasure to read

Wow, what a ride! I enjoyed this story from beginning to end, between the girl that needs to know what to do with her life to the strange dream to the mysterious man in the red cape. It builds throughout with a constant feeling of "something isn't quite right here". The writing itself carries the reader through quickly, but it is also very thorough. I love the picture of character and setting that you paint with just a few concise sentences. I think you in a lot of places you do a great job of showing rather than telling. The ending of the chapter left me wanting more. I can't wait to see what happens next! There's so many different questions that you tactfully slip into the reader's mind. I'm excited to see where this goes. I thought that you dealt with the intensity of the chase scene very well, although I wondered why the main character didn't know that the "bird" (and this is just my assumption) was a dragon. It just seems really unlikely that she wouldn't know that. I thought that the writing was especially good when she was standing near the creek and photographing. Okay, I'd better stop because I'm starting to ramble. Anyway, I liked this a lot, and I hope this helps. Great work!

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I need more!

I got to the end of this chapter and tried to click for the next when I realized that there WASN'T another one yet. This was a great beginning, and I hope that there will be more coming soon. It started out slowly, but once it sunk its hooks in, it wouldn't let go. I really loved the interaction between the two brothers -- it was really endearing and natural. This story also had a sinister twist, with the incident in the fun house and Benji's strange episode (love the name, btw ^^). It left me wanting more and gave the cheery trip to the amusement park a whole new flavor. The writing itself was concise and very well polished, and I never noticed a time when it distracted from the story. This is really great work so far. I can't wait to see what happens next! Keep writing!

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A very intriguing story

I read the first chapters of this story, and I've really enjoyed it so far. It's unlike any story that I've read on this sight so far. Stories that involve religion -- especially when that religion is such a prominent part of the story -- seems to be a bit rare. I really like how you're putting everything together so far, with the miracles and the investigation by the authorities. I'm curious to see how things come together. I liked how you portrayed Cass's character, how he gives the credit for these miracles to God instead of taking the credit himself. It would be so easy to slip into that pride. From the beginning, this story keeps the reader wanting more, and I like the way that the intrigue has been employed so far. I think that my favorite thing about this story is the characters. Each one has a unique portrayal, and you have a real way of showing more than telling, which is great! I found Jack's character a little counter-intuitive, beings as he a priest and yet swears like a logger. The writing itself wasn't particularly flowery, but it fit the style of story that you're writing. It didn't distract and painted a clear picture of what was going on. I don't think I noticed a single typo, so it's obvious that you've done a lot of polishing on this story. So far, I like it a lot. I hope that you get some more reads on it. Good work! And good luck in the contest!

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Awesome sci-fi!

Okay, I have to say, I loved this from beginning to end. From the word go, you keep the reader guessing, giving them just enough information to follow along but keeping them wanting more. The idea of the super-human type experiments is very interesting, and I want to know what happened in between the prologue and chapter one! I enjoyed the dialogue between CORA Prime and CORA 300, and I was surprised by Lucky and Fox. The description throughout the story isn't particularly flashy, but it functions well to create a pictures in the reader's mind. In my opinion, your writing leads more to the technical side of things, and I think that style fits in well with this type of story. I was so drawn into what was happening that I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to the writing itself. The only time I got a little lost was when Lucky and Fox were first introduced and talking behind the door. It was a little confusing, and I think it may have been because of the sparse dialogue tags. Anyway, I really enjoyed this, and I can't wait to see where it goes. Great work! :-)

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Interesting prologue

I just read the first chapter so far and found it very interesting. Usually, people who have been in the writing business tell you that you should never begin with the history of your fantasy world, but I don't believe that any rule for writing should be set in stone, and I thought that your prologue was interesting. It gives the world you have created an interesting flavor. As far as plot goes, not much is revealed in the first part, but it does create questions in the readers mind that makes them want to know what is going to happen next. I was curious as to why the stars would fall down to earth if they knew they would fade. I think that you could have expanded on their motives for that, because their grief didn't quite make sense to me. I also think that you should explain a bit about the origin of the stars -- but perhaps that will come later. The writing style was very well done. While there were a few clunky areas, it flowed very well in general, and the wording felt very elegant. The wordplay in some parts was very well done. At the same time, you tended to lean toward more telling than showing, especially when it came to the description of the stars. Either way, this was a very good beginning. Great work! And good luck in your writing endeavors. :-)

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Cool steampunk

I really like the premise of this story, with the steampunk/medieval feel. The priest's murder draws us in, and you don't let go. I only read the prologue so far, but I hope to read more later. I liked the mention of the murderer's demons -- it sort of humanized him. Usually I don't like prologues, but I think that this one was very effective in setting up the history and setting of the story. It was surreal and interesting and it makes the reader want to plunge headfirst into the first chapter. Great work! Keep writing!

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Great short story!

I enjoyed this a LOT, from beginning to end. The first sentence had me hooked and you didn't let go until the very end. The violence between husband and wife and that chilling ending brought it all together beautifully. I think that while you did a lot of telling as opposed to showing, the characters were well put-together for such a short space of time. You might have done more with the chilling atmosphere during the scene where she's trying to kill him. And I'm not sure, is the wife dead? That's what I assumed, but I'm not sure. I like how you left the story kind of open-ended. It leaves something to the reader's imagination, and I like that a lot. There were a lot of typoes through the story that need to be fixed, but other than that the writing was enjoyable. Great work! I would love to see more by this author!

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Good beginning

I just read the first chapter and thought I'd review it now. I enjoyed the beginning of this story very much. You build tangible characters that seem to have depth, and you create an atmosphere of mystery and tension from the beginning. You don't give the reader very much along the lines of plot, and some of the things confused me, but perhaps that is illuminated in the next few chapters. I have to say, I didn't really like the first section of this chapter. I feel like you were trying to create intrigue but it just ended up being too vague. I think that you could improve it by adding more detail, such as who/what is speaking, where are they when they are speaking, why do they speak the way they do (I thought maybe they might be computers the way it was put together)? No biggee, just a thought because the opening sentences are the most important. I enjoyed the characters in this story quite a lot, and their dialogue and interactions felt very natural. I want to know more about them, so you've done your job. Great beginning! I hope that you do well in the contest. :-)

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Really amusing story

I enjoyed this quite a lot. The idea of Jayne's birthday present -- the bike -- was very fun, and I loved the way the story developed. For such a short story, the characters were well done. I thought that the use of the accents as well as the slurs was very well done. A lot of times, that makes things unreadable or slows the story, but that didn't happen here. I was smiling through the whole thing, and I want to know what happens next. There were a few parts throughout that were worded a little odd and several that I didn't quite understand. I also would like to have more of a feel for the setting. I wasn't sure what the purpose of the spaceship was and I kept thinking that it was a boat of some sort rather than a ship. A little clarification could easily fix that though. Great work! I really enjoy your writing! :D

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Very dark

I read the first five chapters and found this very interesting, from the voices at the beginning to the vile stories. I'm curious to see where you are going with this and how you are going to bring it all together. It was very effective in portraying the evil and sinfulness of humanity. Thank goodness for Christ's redemptive power in our lives. The writing itself was good, and I liked the way that you showed more than told the stories, even if it was a sort of narration from the characters' minds. It was subtle and effective. There were a lot of grammatical errors though, and that's why I marked it down. This is definitely an interesting story. Very well done. Keep writing!

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Tragic beginning

I really like this so far. It progressed fast but it kept me engaged from beginning to end. I like that Wren has to solve the mystery of how her lover died -- it's cruel and gritty and I love that about the story. I want to know what happens next. The writing was enjoyable and portrayed what was going on very well. I thought that the first few paragraphs were worded in a way that was confusing, and I didn't really understand how it pertained to the story until a while later. I would encourage you to keep posting on this site, because I like your writing a lot. Great work! Keep writing!

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Tragic and touching

Often times, we overlook the flaws that are in the heroes simply because we are heroes. I like that you sort of incorporated that into this story. It went by too fast, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. The writing was enjoyable, and I liked the way you had it put together from beginning to end. The idea of the love and revenge added some intrigue, and I'd love to know Maya's untold story. I noticed some places where you changed tenses, but that happens to all of us. The font on the story is very small, and it was a little hard to read, so adjusting that might help. Great work! I very much enjoy reading your writing!

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Interesting

This is the first Rise of the Guardians fanfiction I have ever read, and I enjoyed it. I liked the comparison that you made between Jack and the wind and the description of their relationship. It made me think of the movie in a new way. I'm not sure that present tense worked very well in the story and some areas had clunky wording, but those should be relatively easy to fix. Well done! I would love to see more of this sort of fanfic. :)

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That beginning though

I love how you just through the reader into the story. You don't dawdle around or play, you just give us the facts and draw us on from there. The beginning chapter is definitely not enough. I want to know more! You paint the world as if it is not a story, showing the reader that there is more going on than meets the eye and creating an air of mystery. I love the characters that you have employed in the story and the interaction between them, especially when they transform into characters from their old drama class. The first person style of the writing works very well, coming straight from the perspective of an artist. From the beginning paragraph, we see little details that reveal character and plot in an enchanting way. The writing was good from a technical sense, except that there were some grammatical errors that should be fixed. This is very well done. I hope that you will be posting more of this story soon, because I am anxious to see what happens next. Keep writing!

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Neat twist on an old story

This was a fun story because you took characters that we all know and love and, not only stayed true to their characters, but also added onto them and gave them new layers. I liked their interaction and the way that you pulled things together. It felt very reminiscent of the Harry Potter mischief. My only criticism is that I think the dialogue was a little clunky in places and didn't quite sound natural. Great work! I think that the ending was my favorite part. I hope that you do well in the contest!

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Beautiful

I really liked this. It was powerful and made you really think. It had a very surreal, elegant quality to it. Beings as I have no ability for poetry, I'm not sure what to say other than that. The writing style was very nice -- although I think that the first stanza was worded in a confusing way. I thought it was affecting, especially toward the end, and the progression felt very real and natural. As for the technical aspects of this writing, I honestly don't know how poetry is supposed to be punctuated, so I didn't see anything wrong with it. It was very good work. Thank you for posting it! I would definitely read more by this author.

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Sad

This was a very interesting short story. The power of your writing was extremely evocative and conveyed the emotion of the protagonist -- their loss, their yearning, the pain of imprisonment. The style of this story was engaging and addictive. I was sorry to see it end. I would love to see this turned into something longer...perhaps her escape or how she got into such a terrible prison in the first place. I especially loved the description of the sunset and the different colors. It really paints a picture in your mind. Great story. I would definitely read more by this author.

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Touching

I really enjoyed this story. I hope that you will post more soon. The storyline, with the girl being sent to marry the Emperor of the land is very intriguing. You fill the reader with tension from beginning to end, and the world that you create feels very real and tangible. I feel like you leave just enough unknown to keep the reader in mystery but you don't seem to withhold to much. I also appreciate the fact that, when dealing with more sensitive matters, you don't go into explicit detail. Most people would take the opportunity to make things vivid and graphic, so I'm glad that you had the discretion to leave it as it was. It was handled very well. The characters are interesting and kept the journey from getting dull. The writing itself was decent, but there were frequent grammatical errors and places where you used the wrong word. That should be easily fixed though. And also, some of the dialogue felt a little strained and unnatural. I would suggest reading it out loud and listening to it to work out the kinks. Other than that, great work! I can't wait to see what happens next!

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Creepy story

I like what you have going in this short story, with the sailor caught in a storm. I thought that your description of his struggles and of the storm itself was very well done. The idea of the sirens gives the reader an idea of time and setting, and the ending was rather chilling, which is what you want in a scary story. Like with the other, I think that adding more vividness and drawing it out longer would make it more haunting. Make the reader feel the icy waves, hear the faint, angelic song of the siren, shiver when he falls into the water. Writing is all about making the reader feel something, and it is possibly the hardest thing that a writer can possibly accomplish. You're on your way though, and I love reading your stories. Very well done. Keep writing!

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Intriguing

I really just love your writing style in this story. It captures little details and character quirks as well as painting with broad strokes that illuminate the story. I really liked the beginning scene in the bar. The character who seems to be the antagonist came across as slick and quite hate-able. I also enjoyed the interaction between the detective and her husband. I've only read the first couple chapters, but those had me quite intrigued. Everything about this felt very clean and flowing, and it didn't distract from what was going on. This was a really good beginning, and I'd like to read more. Thank you for posting this on the site. Keep writing! :D

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Please keep writing this!

I definitely want to know what's going to happen next! The prologue is very intriguing, and it leaves a lot of mystery. I liked the way that you portrayed the characters, and I want to know more about who they are...and WHAT they are. The feel of it was very dark and brooding, and I really love that in a story. I think that a little more description and explanation would intensify the mood and give it more depth, but that's your call, depending on what you want -- or don't want -- to reveal. Well done! I hope that you add to this, because I would certainly read more. :)

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This has potential

I found this interesting, with the chase through the forest, the mention of a promise, the mysterious uncle who was unwilling to save his niece. It has a lot of potential, so I would encourage you to do more with this story. There are a lot of unanswered questions in this, such as: Why is the werewolf coming after Sophia? What was the promise? Who is Ashley? I think that clarification in these areas would help a lot. Also, chase scenes have a lot of potential to create suspense in the reader. So if you drew that out -- the sounds of the growls from behind, the horrid anticipation of being caught, the tangles of briars and thorns that Sophia has to push through -- I think that you could make this far more chilling. Just a little food for thought. I would love to see what you can do with this story. Good work. Keep writing! <3

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Just really cool.

This story is truly fascinating. The moment you revealed that the girl was wearing a red cloak, I realized that this was a Red Riding Hood story, but it certainly wasn't what I expected. Your voice -- the voice of a wolf -- was really fun to read. I liked the terminology that you used. It made it feel very real and drew me in from the very beginning. This story kept me guessing the whole time, and you are obviously a master of intrigue. This was just really fun to read. My only criticism is the rampant use of adverbs. Some were necessary, most were not. If you cut the fluff from your writing, it will empower it even more. Very good work! I would certainly read more by this author. :-)

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That beginning though....

I read the prologue and just loved it. It drew me in and had me engaged until the last. I love your portrayal of the character (the boy -- I don't know his name) and his thoughts and actions. The interaction between him and the executioner is very well done. I loved the flow of your writing. It was very smooth and interesting. Your comparisons were also very well done. This was really a great beginning. My complaint is that there was a lot of telling instead of showing. While I had a picture of what was going on, I didn't have any setting or description of character in mind besides that of the executioner. I think that a little more sensory details would have gone a long way. This was definitely a powerful start though, even without the sensory. The method of death was extremely interesting and unexpected. This is very well done. I would like to read more. Good work!

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Amazing sci-fi

I think I can honestly say that I've never read a story quite like this. The idea of the Knivs was totally new to me, but I thought that it was really clever. I would have liked to know more about what they looked like and how they operated, but I think that you gave the reader enough information for it to work. I was surprised that he could feel pain when the Kniv was damaged. I read the prologue, and I really like what you have going so far. The main character, Archangel, was very intriguing, and I'd like to know more about him and his job. I loved his cool, calm attitude throughout the whole story. The ending scene of the prologue was fantastic, and I LOVED Sani's last words. This is a contest winner for sure. I would definitely read more of this story. Good work!

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Fun story!

I really love stories that have to do with bitterness and having to overcome that. I liked the way that you worked it into the Wreck-it Ralph story through Vanellope. I read the first couple chapters and enjoyed it so far. I am intrigued to see what happens next. I haven't seen the movie in a while, so I would have liked to see more description in your writing, both of characters and setting. Also, I noticed in some grammatical errors in your dialogue. In places, you would say he said(") Dah dee dah." with the first quotation mark next to the dialogue tag instead of the dialogue itself, if that makes sense. I hope that this helps. Good work!

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Another great fanfic!

I used to watch Pokémon when I was younger, and this brought back a lot of memories. I read the first chapter and really like where it's going. The plot line makes sense, and I loved the way you portrayed the characters, especially Jessie and James. They are just like I remember them. You should enter this into the new fanfiction contest! There were quite a few grammatical errors and spelling issues, but I think a quick going-over would take care of that. It's a good beginning. Great work!

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It's a start

I found this very interesting, a man who was considered a loser making such an impact on the world (a bad impact, but an impact nonetheless). I think that it is a good representation of cause and effect. I like the idea of it. The writing itself was a little difficult to understand, but I'm glad that you're trying. Everyone has a story (or many stories) to tell, and it takes courage to write it. So good job!

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Beautiful poetry

I love this. I really do. It conveys true feeling and emotion, and it is totally relatable. I love that this poem is easy to understand and yet contains layer upon layer of meaning. Your rhythm was flawless and easy to follow. The only reason I marked it down was because in a couple places I think that you used the wrong spelling of a word ("your" as opposed to "you're" if I remember right). Really well done! This poetry was really beautiful!

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Good beginning

I like the intrigue that you introduce from the very beginning of the story. The idea of the girl waking up in the alley with no memory of how she got there and with injuries is very interesting. It was very well done. There were a lot of grammatical errors that need to be fixed though. I think that it would be easier to read if you added spaces between the paragraphs. Also, I didn't know that the main character was a girl until you mentioned a bra. I think that you should at least introduce her name earlier on. All in all, a good story. It just has a few technical issues. Well done!

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This is really great!

I can definitely see why this was a contest winner. I read the first few chapters, and I am drawn in. It is so good! The writing style is easy and descriptive. This story is so affecting. When the dragon died, I have to admit that I was almost in tears. You have a very powerful way of conveying things. I love how you instilled the simple need for acceptance in Eliana. It gives her depth and helps the reader to sympathize with her. I especially loved the scene where she dove into the river, and the elf helped her. I can't wait to read more of this, but I'm a slow reader, so I thought I would review it now. It's really great! You definitely know your craft! Seriously, well done!!!

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Fast-paced and intense!

This story REALLY keeps you hooked from beginning to end. The action and suspense never stops. And that ending! I need more! This is going to drive me crazy until I know what happens next! Well done, there. I loved the character of the necromancer. It was really chilling. The whole idea of it was super scary, and you certainly didn't beat around the bush there. It made me sad that so many people died. I feel like this story is very affecting. I really hope that there is more to come, because this very well done. I almost though - reading through this - that you could expand that one part into several chapters if you chose to. Either way, it's great. Please let me know if you add more to it. Great work!

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Good opening

I think that the thing I liked most about this story was the dialogue. It felt very real. The conflicting ideas of the chief and Adila gave both of them some good dimension. I'd like to know more about what's going on, and I hope that more is coming soon! The writing itself was very well done. I enjoyed it a lot. Good work!

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Give it more

I liked this basic idea of this story, but I think that it needs reworked a little. Everything was so abrupt and packed together that I had a hard time following. I think that you could make this story a lot longer, and it would be really good. The characters were well done, and I liked the action. The whole thing with Darren was super out of the blue, and his badguy monologue was very cliché. I think that his character needs more dimension, and we need to meet him before then. It is really odd to me that he would just flat out say, "I'm jealous of my friend. I killed him. You're next." If you gave him layers, I think that he would be a really terrific antagonist. Also, I think at one point, you said 2000pm. Typically, it should either be 8:00pm or 2000 hours.

You did really great with the scene where Kendra found Oliver dead, and you used the element of surprise very well several times. I just think that you could really improve this story if you gave it more dimension. I hope this helps. Good work!

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Interesting fanfic

I had mixed feelings about this story. I really liked the emotional quality that it had, but I think that it needs a little work. I didn't know this was Pokémon fanfiction until about halfway through. I think that you need more of a description of setting so that the reader can relate more to the story. Also, I think that you should reformat the part where he is having the flashback. It might be better if you take out the italics and lead in by saying something along the lines of... "My mind drifted back to the night of the fight". That sort of thing. I think it's got real potential! I loved the song! Good work!

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Very intriguing

I would definitely like to know more. I am not sure if this is supposed to function as a short story or the beginning of a longer story, but it definitely has potential. I liked the interaction between characters and found your voice extremely entertaining. I was drawn in from the beginning. I would have liked to know more about why the main character (was Ryland his name?) hated the blue-haired girl so much. Not that I liked her, I just think that if you gave a brief description of their history it would help. Also, I thought that his change from hating her to thinking that she looked hot in his car was kind of abrupt.

It's a good story! I like it, and I would definitely read more written by you because I really like your style. Good work!

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Love this story!

Although I've only read the first couple chapters of this story, I have to say that I really love it. The plotline is intriguing and the character development superb. I love all the different elements that the author weaves into this story. Definitely a must-read!

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Good romance!

I read the first chapter and thought I would leave a review and update it when I got a chance to finish the story. I liked it a lot! It drew me in from the beginning. I don't usually like vampire/werewolf stories, but I was certainly enjoying this. It was very evocative. I thought that the idea of the sword that provided armor and battle skill was very clever. It left me wanting to know what happens next. I liked your descriptions of the characters. I would have liked to know more about what the vampires looked like, but maybe that will come later. The writing itself was very good. The only reason I marked it down was because there were several spelling and grammatical errors through it. Well done!

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Fast-paced and enjoyable

I love how in such a short space you crammed in so much. You instantly gave me a picture of the three characters and the plot. I really liked how you take stereotypical stories and give them a new twist. That's definitely a skill. I wanted there to be more, but I think that it stands alone as it is. Good work! I really liked it! :)

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Great story

I'm not sure if this stands alone or if this is the beginning of a longer story, but I definitely want more. The idea of the war and Eillie's feelings about it are very interesting. I liked the way you described the city, not just outwardly but its atmosphere and its people. The writing itself reminded me of a journal entry. I liked it, but there were some places where I thought it was a little clunky. The sense of foreboding that hung over the story was delicious, and I loved the little quirks that you gave the characters. It made them more interesting. I hope that you add more to this, because I want to know what happens next! :D

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Interesting

I read the first chapter and was definitely drawn in by the story. I loved the relationship between the brother and sister. It was very sweet and endearing. Although I have not ever seen Yugioh, I liked this piece of writing. I think that the beginning chapter did everything it needed to -- it gave me a picture of the characters, of the setting, of the plot, and it aroused my interest. Good work! :)

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Mixed feelings

I read Part 1, and I really liked the introduction to the idea of Randolph and his ideas about love and family. But the writing itself was kind of clunky. I don't feel like I had much of an idea of time and place in the story, but it was definitely a good start. :)

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Great beginning

I read the first two chapters and hope to get to the rest soon, but what I read was fantastic. In that short period of time you managed to present the protagonist and her situation in an understandable way, and then you gave me a picture of the conflict. I really liked the idea of the ghosts that are haunting the land...and the fact that they are trying to come back. The scene with the groundskeeper and the "detective" was really well done. And although I thought that the interaction between Margo and Quint moved a little too fast, I enjoyed that too. This is a great story. I can't wait to read more of it. Great work! :D

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Draws you in

Although I didn't like the more inappropriate content involved, I did like the story. The characters and plot was understandable, and I liked the twist of the bounty hunter catching them (he was my favorite character). I would definitely read more. Good luck in the contest!

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I want more!

From start to finish, this is great work! I loved the idea of the villain -- a young man with a sleeping disorder of some sort -- who is trying to fill his dead father's shoes and the kidnapped heiress. The writing was clear and gave me a great picture of what was going on. I liked the interaction between the characters. I thought it was interesting that the heiress didn't seem disturbed by the fact that she was being kidnapped -- was there a reason for that or did the fear just not come across. Either way, I really enjoyed it. I like that the heiress isn't beautiful, at least not in the eyes of society. It makes her a little more interesting, just like the young man with the sleeping disorder. Please let me know when and if you post more, 'cause I would certainly read it!

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Creepy...

Good read. I liked that it was so fast-paced throughout the entire story -- although at times it seemed a little rushed. I could totally picture the whole thing with the young adults going on vacation...and then having everything go wrong. The characters were clear and enjoyable. I liked the concept of the Indians and the rules. It seemed very fresh. Good work. And good luck in the contest! :)

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Great story

In most cases, a warrior female protagonist either comes off too strong or completely unrealistic, but I really liked the protagonist in this story. She didn't exceed her limitations and showed her human side in powerful and touching ways. For such a short story, you really drew me in. I loved all the different characters and was sad when they fell. The fight scenes were great. I thought that some more description of the city might have made it better, because I was having a hard time picturing it, and I though the ending was a little rushed, but all in all it was a great story. I enjoyed every bit of it. Good work!

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Wow

Definitely not what I expected from a Hansel and Gretel story. I liked your portrayal of the relationship between the two children and their stepmother, and the dialogue as they prepared to storm the city. The writing was simple and evocative. I enjoyed it very much. I would have liked to know more about what the man was, and I didn't quite understand the purpose of the whistling. But either way, I liked it a lot. Good luck in the contest!

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Creepy

By holding back information and slowly releasing it, the author keeps you drawn in throughout each chapter. Personally, I liked the chapter lengths themselves. It made it very easy to read. As for the story itself, I found it very enjoyable...and creepy. The idea of the persona possessing Amanda is very chilling, although I wasn't sure that was what was happening at first. I'd like to know more about why they were at the old shack and what Amanda's home life was like, so I hope that the author posts more. Besides some spelling and grammatical errors, it was very enjoyable. Good work!

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Good story -- give it more

From beginning to end, I thought this story was full of good writing and interesting plot. The characters were relatable, and I liked their interaction through the story. You left just enough unanswered to make me want to read more. Good work.

That being said, I thought that there were some things that could be improved. The characters were never really described physically. I thought that could have really helped in the development of the protagonist. Why didn't he think of himself as a warrior? Was he short? Skinny? Bullied when he was young? A little more knowledge of his home life would help, I think.

There were also a few parts that I thought were unrealistic. In one scene a wolf bit his arm, and that wound was never mentioned again or taken care of -- that I can recall. I'm pretty sure that sort of injury would make that arm pretty useless -- and a bite would get infected very quickly. It is the same with the battle scene in the fourth chapter. An arrow to the leg should have made it so that he could barely stand, but he was still leaping and jumping and attacking. Just that sort of thing.

I enjoyed this story. I hope that this isn't annoying, I just think that certain points could be made stronger. Good luck in the contest, and keep writing. :)

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Spine-tingling

Looking through the eyes of a psycho, this is a very engaging read. It gives the reader an interesting, and chilling, glance into a killer's mind. The descriptions and writing style were very good, presenting a clear picture. I wasn't quite sure what he was doing to the girls at the end, but I'm not sure I really wanted to understand it entirely. Creepy stuff. Good work. :)

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Funny

I liked the voice of this writing. The sarcasm and honesty of it was very enjoyable. The writing switched tenses at times, but other than that, I thought that it was well written. I want there to be more! Good work. And good luck in the contest!

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Fun story

I thought it was a cute story. I liked the idea of the reading fairy and the prince. From the beginning, you made their world seem very real. I marked it down because the beginning felt very rushed, and there were some grammatical errors. But all in all, I thought it was a very enjoyable story. Good work.

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A present day King Arthur story?

I almost think that this should be in the new thriller contest, because this story really kept me on my toes. I loved your writing style. It immediately sucked me into the plot and had me rooting for your protagonist. I also found the King Arthur twist very interesting, but I want to know more about how it fits in. The smoke from the mens' mouths...were they really demons? Dragons? A good story makes you think, and this one certainly does. I hope that you will add more.

Also, awesome ending. Loved it. Good luck in the contest!

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Good story

I really liked it, Emalee! The characters and the plotline was interesting. I'm curious to see what happens next. Also, you come up with really great names! The grammar and spelling could use some work, but I really enjoyed it. Great job! :)

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Too vague

It has potential -- I like the idea of the girl looking for her parents' killers and the whole Nightwalker thing. On the over hand, I thought the two chapters were very vague. I'm still not quite sure what was going on. There were a lot of grammatical errors that need to be taken care of, and it needs some work in the pacing.

I think that the death of the girl's parents needs to be more deeply felt in the readers. Maybe if you included more details as to how and why they died or perhaps included fond memories before their death. Either way, I think it needs to affect the reader more. Vagueness does not create an air of mystery in this case, it just creates distance.

Hope this is helpful. Keep writing!

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Yikes!

A chilling story! It kept me engaged and curious the whole time. You're opening was great, and you didn't drop it throughout the whole story. I loved the setting toward the beginning. It was fresh and evocative. The idea of the angel...and the being from the shard...was very interesting. I loved your descriptions and the fear that you created throughout the story. I was rooting for the protagonist throughout the story and feel a little sorry for him right now. Very good work!

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YES!!!

I thought this was very funny because it is exactly how I picture romance stories. Between the constant mention of him being muscular and his "deep" emotional scars, I was fist-pumping. Also, I appreciate that you didn't get to detailed toward the end, simply because it would have been unnecessary. Good work. And good luck in the contest!

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Much unanswered

The concept of the robots was quite interesting, and I enjoyed your description of the futuristic world. I thought that the first paragraph gave a good draw to the story. The writing style was simple and efficient. My one complaint is that it left a lot of things unanswered. If this is only the beginning of a long story I might be wrong, but as it is I thought it needed some more detail. I didn't quite understand why the robots were hated (and these robots, they can feel? Love? ) and I wanted to know more about the war that was going on. Other than that, I enjoyed this story. Good luck in the contest!

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Very enjoyable

I have read the first three chapters and would like to read the rest when I get a chance. So far, it has been extremely enjoyable. The characters were understandable and well-developed. In many stories like this the girl character comes across as unfeeling and too strong, but Claire is a good protagonist. I loved the first chapter -- the writing itself was beautiful and really portrayed the character of "Oblivion". One thing: I think that it needed a little more description in places. At times, I had a hard time picturing the setting.

This is a great beginning! Good luck in the contest!

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Unique story

The idea of the android was very interesting, and I liked the futuristic and yet strangely near feel of the story. The characters were well developed. I liked the portrayal of Serenity. There were some things that I didn't understand about the story, however. I wondered how other people knew about John's plans and why they wanted them. In places, the rhythm of the writing was a little off. Also, there were a few places where the paragraphs sat right on top of one another.

I want more! It was an interesting plot, and I really enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest! :)

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Unique

Definitely not what I was expecting. I enjoyed the idea of the seal people. Your characters and backstory were strong. Now, if I understood it right, the prince went down to become one of the seal people in order to protect his kingdom. I thought that it was a very admirable idea and made me sympathize with him even more. Many people pass on the blame or curse to someone else, but it takes a special person to pay a debt they don't owe. All in all, I enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest.

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Poetic

The writing itself in this piece was very beautiful. I was surprised by how unique this story was, with the idea of the maple leaf and seeing things through its eyes. I feel like there is a deeper meaning embedded here, whether it is exploring the unknown or learning to "bend to the wind" throughout life. Whatever it might be, I thought this story was very well written. It takes skill to write something from the perspective of a LEAF and have it be interesting. Great work.

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A story with potential

I liked the main premise and storyline, but there were certain parts that confused me. Like why would Esbrin want to help River hide the dragon right when they first met? Why did the Orcs and Goblins invade? Just a few things like that. Answering these questions and adding some more details to your story would do a lot to strengthen it. As it was, it reminded me a little of the Ranger's Apprentice series, which is very enjoyable. Your description of the battlefield was very good. Also, there were some typos that I noticed throughout, such as you often use the word "where" instead of "were". Good work, and good luck in the contest! Keep writing!

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Enjoyable

I've never read anything that had to do with werewolves, but I certainly enjoyed this. The switching between characters provided with unique perspectives. I liked that each of them had their own attitude toward the situation. I think that you needed to add more to keep the reader going. From what I understand, there is some sort of rebellion going on? A better understanding of the situation would do more to engage the reader. Also, I would like to know more about the leeches. That might be an explanation you are saving for later, but if not, you should add more here. I wasn't sure if they were humans that hated werewolves or if they were some sort of creatures.

All in all, a great start. I can't wait to read more!

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Pretty good

Character and premise wise, this is a good story. I liked the idea of it, and it kept me engaged. However, I think that it could still use some work. There were lots of typos that need taking care of. Also, I thought that your writing was a bit fluffy. It could use some tightening. First draft - 10% = second draft. Lastly, I think that we needed to know the age of the protagonist sooner, because it threw me off when I realized that she was a teenager. I hope this review was helpful. Good luck in the contest!

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Almost...

It seems to me that you have a good story here, but you're not doing enough with it. This is just my opinion, but I thought that it looked more like an outline than an actual story. If you delve deep into this story, create characters and lands and scenes it will make it far easier connect with and much more powerful. As it is, it seems to be only a shell of what it could be. But I am sensing so much potential. I hope that makes sense, and I hope that this review is helpful. Your plot is great, you just need more for the reader to grab onto. Good luck in the contest, my friend.

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Interesting

Definitely not what I expected. But very enjoyable. It was a unique perspective on what it is to live...and die. I think that you need to make the very beginning more vivid so that it will really pack a punch. I was confused at first. Also, there were a lot of typos that needed corrected. Other than that, I thought it was a great story. Good luck in the contest!

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We need more!

I really enjoyed this story. The characters were interesting, and I liked the plotline. I think that a little more setting would help, but I found it to be very vivid. The reason why I marked it down was because I thought that the beginning scene (where Conroy was saving Hannah) could have been a little more intense. It seemed to drag a little.

I hope that you will post more of this story. It is very good. :)

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Unexpected

I was drawn in from the very beginning, which is obviously a good thing, and I enjoyed where you were going with it. I loved some of the details and descriptions that you included. There were a few parts that confused me though. I wasn't sure about the age of your protagonist. At first I thought he was younger, because he was living with his mom, then I thought maybe he was older since he had a job. Providing his age would help with the development of his character, I think. Still, I did enjoy his POV.

As for the scene at the dining room table (during breakfast), I thought it was a little wooden. I was confused about the magic. They all know about it? How? Does the mom have it? The boyfriend? Perhaps this is information that you plan on providing later, but I think that a clearer glimpse of what is going on would help to clarify the plot from the very beginning.

All in all, I definitely enjoyed it. I hope that this review was actually helpful. Please post more!

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Hilarious and chilling

At the very beginning I was a little confused as to what was going on, but you brought everything together beautifully. I loved the interaction between the two characters and the end result. Please write more! I really enjoyed this. Good luck in the contest! :)

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Great sci-fi!!!

I really enjoyed this. Already, I feel connected to the characters and want to know more about them. The writing was evocative and powerful. Usually, what I see lacking in writing is dialogue, but you had very good dialogue. I hope that you will add more to this story. It drew me in from the very beginning and won't let go. This is just me, but I think you should submit it to the Beyond Time sci-fi contest, because this is a great story. :)

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Chilling

I love your writing. It is clear and descriptive. I couldn't stop until the very end. I would have liked to know more about who the monster was and why he played his game, but that just added to the mystery. Good luck in the contest!

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A quiet epic

Although I may not have picked up on the "influences", I did enjoy this story. It was enthralling and kept me engaged throughout the whole thing. I wanted to know more. Good luck in the sci-fi contest! : )

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Good beginning

I have just read the first few chapters and hope to get to the rest soon. What I read was very good. The story presented natural questions and that chapter endings left me wanting more. The only negative thing I could say is that sometimes the dialogue did not seem quite natural. It was a little forced at times. Also, a little more description could possibly heighten the emotion of the story. All in all, a very good beginning.

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Kept me on my toes

This story kept me enthralled to the very end. I wanted to know more. The emotion and description in every paragraph was fantastic. I thoroughly enjoyed both the writing style and the plot line itself. The ending left me wanting more. Definitely read this story.

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Great beginning

I thoroughly enjoyed both the writing style and the plot itself. The dialogue was fresh and the characters were very real. I found the ending very affecting. The reason that I marked it down was because I thought more could be done with the very beginning. At first, I was confused. Perhaps a more vivid description of the battlefield and what is happening on it would solve the problem... Despite this, it drew me in from the beginning, and I hope that the author will soon post more.

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Powerful

I was a little hesitant to read the story because of the warning, but I was not sorry that I did. The subject was indeed a controversial one, but I completely agreed with the point that the author was making. The writing was powerful and evocative, pointing out the truth in that particular subject. All in all, I thought it was VERY good.

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Deep and compelling

The story itself was very unexpected, an interesting take on what it is to die. More than that, I thought that the writing was beautiful. It had good rhythm and struck me very powerfully. From one fifteen year old to another I'd say you are very skilled at your craft.

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Chilling...

A great story with a very interesting character. The ending was very unexpected and left me open-mouthed. I hope that there is more to come, because I want to know what happens next! I wish this author good luck!

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Very good.

The story drew me in from the first paragraph and held me until the end. It had very good characters and compelling dialogue. I enjoyed this story very much and wish this author good luck in the contest!

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Amazing!

This was a great first chapter! I want to know more and hope to possibly find it on Amazon. The portrayal of the protagonist and his scars were vivid and affecting. It was very evocative. I would definitely read more by this author.

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A sinister story

The plot is very dark, but I think that how you end it is what's going to make or break it. I also think that the story itself should be expanded. If you explained a little more about the characters and why they are there, it would bring them more sympathy and draw the reader into the story even more. Either way, it pulled me in. Keep writing.

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Unexpected and enthralling

From the very beginning of the story, I was caught up in the story. It was full of unexpected twists and sly turns. It was a dark story, but most mysteries are. I would definitely recommend this story to any Jack the Ripper fan.

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Great spy story!

I am always happy to find a spy story on this site, and this one did not disappoint. I loved the plot. It almost had a bit of a Harry Potter vibe about it toward the beginning, with them going off to a strange school. I really liked the characters in this story; they felt very real from the very beginning. Your writing style was clean and concise, and I didn't really notice any typos when I was reading. All in all, this is a great story! Good work!

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Intriguing, but very confusing

I knew that I was up for a challenge when I picked this up because I don't often read stories that are formatted as screenplays. However, beings as I didn't see any reviews here, I thought I'd give it a try. I was very intrigued from the beginning, but then I was just completely confused and wasn't really sure what was going on. I think this was likely due to a lack of context and setting and explanation. What I was reading just felt like random dialogue. I don't know anything about screenwriting, but I've read several scripts that my friend has read - based off that, I would say that you could try to clarify this by giving the reader some context and explanation for what is going on as well as letting us know who the characters are and where they are (setting). If you do that, I think that things will be a lot clearer. As it is, it is extremely confusing. I hope this helps. :-)

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2nd Place in Beyond Time
Top 10% in End Game
Top 10% in Hither Thither
Top 10% in Wanderlust
Top 10% in Cult
Top 10% in NaNoWriMo
1st Place in Review Contest
3rd Place in Dreamlands
Top 10% in Vendetta

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