different, but good
As an American it took me a bit to adjust to the differences in the way a high school is run. 3 years instead of 4, lunch anywhere in the school, not just a cafeteria, and things like that. There are a few inconsistencies in the story such as she didn't move in with only her brother until she was 12, but in her defense when talking about a previous action that had to take place after they were living without her parents she says I was only 10. Many minor grammatical errors, wrong words etc. The most annoying of which is the common mistake of ending things inside a quotation with a comma instead of a period. The other thing that bothers me a bit is that the guy in her own grade who almost practically rapes her she then sets up with a friend a few months later. I get that he was helpful with her other friend's bad situation, but that doesn't change the way he acted when alone with her and I find disturbing that she would set a friend up with someone who was so aggressive when alone with her.
All that being said the story was great. The characters are well defined, and the story really draws you in.
needs work, but good.
This story is currently unfinished, and I definitely want to see how it ends, but there are numerous areas that need work as well. Such as your paragraph breaks are in the strangest places. There should be a new paragraph whenever someone new is talking. It is frustrating to constantly have to stop and figure out who said what. There are some dropped words and you have a habit of repeating the same word in the same clump, thankfully it isn't the same word throughout the story. The main problem I have with the plot is you want the MC and the fuckboy to get together, but if they do he wins the stupid bet. I think it would work better if there was still one girl he hadn't slept with besides her, and by committing to her he gives up on his bet, but that's me. Also it comes off as a diary or something, you might want to consider either changing from the first person view, or adding a lot more about her emotions and stuff as she goes through everything- currently it is a bit flat, matter of fact this happened, followed by this. You want people to connect with all her emotions not just her physical attraction. Ethan is not only the guy who tries to make a move on MC, but also the one to trick them into talking, maybe one of those things should be done by one of the other guy friends. You have a really good base for this story, once you iron out the kinks, and fatten it up with a little substance, and end it, it could be great!!Read the story now
The story itself is great. You spend the whole book wondering the same things as the characters, until they get some answers. There are however numerous grammatical errors, that mess up the flow of reading, far too many to note here. The thing that bothered me the most though was the outlandish number of g-d-its placed through out the story. They don't add anything to the story, and actually take away from it. In most places where it is put an f word or Damn would work as well if not better. (there are actually more g-d-its than F-ks, and that is disturbing) Also Sloane starts off in the story being in the Navy, and later she starts being called the Marine, should really pick a branch and stick with it.Read the story now
Once I started reading I didn't want to stop. A few minor grammatical errors caught my attention, but a quick edit can fix those. I found the main character's view interesting, and her thinking process a bit odd. Yet it was easy to follow her train of thought. The story ends with the reader wanting to know what happens next which is always good if you are planning a series. I do feel bad for the one uninfected guy living among the infected, talk about hard to maintain celibacy.. The skipping forward and then going back to explain thing was a bit hard to follow at times, because it happens suddenly without warning. I understand the need for the way the story unfolds, but maybe warn two days later or later that day when leaping forward. Over all Great story.Read the story now
The author catches the emotions of both the patient and the lead scientist well. Te reader can't help but wonder how waking a person up is going to save the human race, let alone prove cy-humans aren't horrible.. But the story does need a good editing. Sometimes the words are the wrong tense, a word is dropped, or a similar word is used. It comes off as English is not the first language of the author. Also the lack of speech tags makes it hard to follow who is talking.. One other note, why take the time to slowly interrupt the story with back story details just to have it all repeated in one fluid statement in front of the board? Repetition should be done as little as possible. But I love how the Lead scientist cares so much for her patient, even if it is slightly self serving to do so.Read the story now
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